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Original poster

Divorce for low earner/high earner - suggested settlement

121 replies

Free83 · 09/12/2019 21:58

STBX and I are awaiting our Decree Nisi and have agreed on pretty much everything regarding our split. Our daughters (aged 5&6) will stay with me and he will have them every other weekend and one night during the week on alternate weeks.

We have £400k equity in our house, so £300k will go to me and £100k to him. The remaining assets (pensions, shares, cash) have been divided so that we each end up with pretty much 50% of the total pot each:

Me:
£300k equity
£65k personal pension
£6k car
£5k shares
£9k cash
=£385k total

Him:
£100k equity
£275k personal pension
£10k shares
£9k car
£20k cash

We both work full time, but I work in my daughters’ school so do the full-time childcare. I earn £11k pa and he earns £102k, plus bonus of approx. £28k (av.)pa. He wants a clean break on the basis of the above split.

I haven’t spoken to my solicitor since our initial advice meeting, but STBX says his solicitor is firm in her belief that the proposal is fair and just.

For anyone who has been in a similar position, does this all look about right??

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/12/2019 13:22

I think I remember you from another thread - do you have legal advice?

Stop listening to him he is feeding your a set of half truths - look in your initial OP you state its a 50/50 split. Its not. I said on your other thread stop listening to him and what he is telling you. He is worried I think that the more you think about it the more he will lose. Because you do deserve more. His equity/pension split is the bare minumum of what you would get and the asset split is laughably in his favour

TheReef · 10/12/2019 14:02

He's playing games op. Please see a solicitor and discuss this.

Oh and part tell how would he do his job with more custody? He's bluffing

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 10/12/2019 14:04

Get your own solicitor.
You are entitled to 50:50 at minimum and are likely to get more.
Stop with mediation, it's useless. My friend is going through mediation at the moment and the mediator doesn't understand that "fair" and "equal" are not the same.
He won't go for "custody2 - btw there's no such thing these days. They all say that, but they run a mile in reality.
Why haven't you got your own advice? never try to save money on legal advice, it's a false economy. His solicitor is acting for him, not for both of you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law General money Relationship problems
charm8ed · 10/12/2019 14:28

What assets did each of you have before you were married and how long have you been married?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/12/2019 14:59

He will not go for custody. I presume on his wage he will be working long hours, he will have to pay for a nanny or childcare then and he won't want the hassle. Trust me.

AlyssasBackRolls · 10/12/2019 16:31

Whatever you're asking for is likely to be far cheaper than him getting chidcare to bridge the gap!

I agree there's very little chance he'll go for more custody unless he's got serious concerns about you and your parenting or he has a huge amount of flexibility in his work life which isn't likely on a high salary. Whatever flexibility he has is likely to have corresponding responsibilities which won't sit easily with having to go and get poorly children, take them to appointments etc. The help he would have to get in shape of housekeeper/nanny would make you look very affordable!

And just because he wants more custody doesn't mean you ever have to say "oh OK then" - you can disagree! This is why you need a solicitor - it's hard to stand up for yourself in these situations! I know you are motivated by a desire to keep things settled as possible for the children and that's really admirable - he's clearly not got that as a motivation - he's thinking of a way to punish you/prevent you getting more money. A court will not be impressed at that.

My XH, perfectly nice, decent dad, amicable split - he was determined to go for 50/50 but it ended up being EOW because basically his life is easier that way and he has returned to a virtually batchelor life whilst the family home ticks along here without him, with just me and my children. Yes it's more work for me but like you I was motivated by keeping things level. I wouldn't swap for all the tea in china.

Original poster
Free83 · 10/12/2019 16:33

@AlyssasBackRolls - thank you. I’m going to be really dumb here, but what does EOW mean??!

OP posts:
Original poster
Free83 · 10/12/2019 16:38

D’oh! I really am being dense! EOW = every other week. Sorry!

OP posts:
45andfine · 10/12/2019 16:49

The pension split is very unequal... He needs to give you a % of his, you've given up your earning potential during critical earning years.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/12/2019 16:51

Err, this is far from a fair split. You must get your own advice asap.
Crap settlement as he earns so much more.
Although, with 300 k are you in a position to buy a house outright so no mortgage? Depends where you live...
But even so, you still need more.

GumboDrop · 10/12/2019 16:59

I got 67% of equity and pensions were split so we had equal shares. At the point of divorce he earned £30k more than me but I earned 6 times what you earn. We agreed that ourselves but my solicitor said it was only marginally in my fabour. I opted for clean break but could have got nominal spousal support to protect against future loss of income. Custody of DC was 50/50 so no child support was paid in either direction. Based on that, you're being screwed.

GumboDrop · 10/12/2019 17:00

Given the disparity in your incomes DO NOT AGREE TO A CLEAN BREAK!!!!!

SpiderCharlotte · 10/12/2019 17:01

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I think you misunderstood what I meant - I said that full time hours in a school are not the same as full time hours in an office environment (for example). You acknowledge that in your own post. In a school environment, if you are working 8.30 - 3.30 for example, it may still be referred to as full-time because you're there every day for the entirety of the school day. It would be full-time in a school. At least it was in the school I worked in as a TA a few years ago and it is in the one I work in now as a Cover Supervisor.

SpiderCharlotte · 10/12/2019 17:02

Given the disparity in your incomes DO NOT AGREE TO A CLEAN BREAK!!!!!

100% this OP.

GumboDrop · 10/12/2019 17:03

Offer him 50/50 custody and watch him squirm. On £100k+ a year I imagine his job isn't compatible with having custody so he's being a dick by threatening that. However, as a mother who has had 50/50 for several years now, it's bloody marvelous.

TheReef · 10/12/2019 17:38

I'd offer him 50/50

You could then go back to your old profession full time. Which would end up being more than £1000 a month (his cm offer), and you'd be paying into a pension and future proof yourself financially when your dc are older

I doubt on a 100k + job his hours are 9 to 5, which means childcare would be difficult for him and very expensive (again more than his £1000 cm offer)

Plus you'd still be entitled to AT LEAST 50/50 equity, pensions, savings, cara etc

SpiderCharlotte · 10/12/2019 17:40

You could then go back to your old profession full time. Which would end up being more than £1000 a month (his cm offer), and you'd be paying into a pension and future proof yourself financially when your dc are older

This makes perfect sense OP. If you agree to his proposals you will be completely and utterly shafted. At least this way, you can safeguard your own earning.

Original poster
Free83 · 10/12/2019 17:44

@TheReef, that’s a possibility, but I’m trying to keep things as stable as possible for my girls. They’ve never been in any kind of childcare and have always had me with them (I work in their school). We’re having to sell the house to release equity and won’t be able to afford to stay in the area, so uprooting them from their home and community (and potentially school) feels like more than enough change for them right now. The thought of additionally putting them in the care of strangers is just too much to consider for them right now. The only stable thing they’d have would be me (STBX leaves the house at 5am and gets home at 7pm each night - although he is claiming that his boss would allow him to work from home a day or two a week) so I have always provided all care for them and want to continue, at least to get them through the upheaval of this divorce. Just need to balance that with the financial needs.

OP posts:
SpiderCharlotte · 10/12/2019 17:55

@Free83 totally understand what you're saying but unfortunately things will change no matter what. Children are much more resilient than we think sometimes.

Starlight456 · 10/12/2019 18:11

You need to speak to your own solicitor . His solicitor is not on your side.

charm8ed · 10/12/2019 18:15

How long were you married and how much did each of you have in your pension pots before you were married?

Pogmella · 10/12/2019 18:19

@Free83 in the same way he is trying to hustle you by suggesting 50:50 residence, you can hustle him right back by suggesting you would be open to that unless he drops the lack of clean break and agrees to a more sensible split (60:40 minimum).

I would also suggest you add in that he helps with school uniforms and fees for clubs.

On top of maintenance my financial order also includes a directive for him to pay 50% of all childcare costs which has helped me build up my career (and once DC is in bed I’ve even had him paying half for a baby sitter- it’s great!)

MerryGrinch · 10/12/2019 18:29

Given his hours it is extremely unlikely that he really wants 50/50 residency. I am making assumptions but I would assume you get your dd's ready every morning, take them to school, pick them up, do homework, dinners, Deal with school admin, be available on sick days and school holidays. If he has them with him say 2 school days each week he will have to get them ready for school, he will have to find childcare (good luck with that leaving at 5am), he will have to do homework, dinner, he will have to find holiday care, he will have to take the day off when they are sick. I'd be inclined to say to him that 50/50 sounds ideal to you - he will most likely reconsider this idea.

GumboDrop · 10/12/2019 18:36

He's making you sell the house? Jesus, please see a solicitor. As the main carer you could potentially stay in the marital home until your kids are 18. You are being far too accommodating to him. You need to look out for your own interests, you've presumably sacrificed your own career to be the main carer so he must compensate you for that both to date and into the future if he isn't taking his fair share of raising them. It might all be amicable now but that's only because you're being a mug and he's getting his own way.

Why are you accepting his proposed part time presence in his kids lives? He'll get to live a free and single life whilst you struggle on £11k a year.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2019 18:38

So he’s pretty much threatening you in order to get you Rob accept a lower settlement.

Don’t do it. Your kids deserve better than that. I think 70/30 of all assets should be the starting point in your circumstances in order to ensure the best possible future for your children. THey should not miss out.