Divorce for low earner/high earner - suggested settlement

[Free83]

STBX and I are awaiting our Decree Nisi and have agreed on pretty much everything regarding our split. Our daughters (aged 5&6) will stay with me and he will have them every other weekend and one night during the week on alternate weeks.

We have £400k equity in our house, so £300k will go to me and £100k to him. The remaining assets (pensions, shares, cash) have been divided so that we each end up with pretty much 50% of the total pot each:

Me:
£300k equity
£65k personal pension
£6k car
£5k shares
£9k cash
=£385k total

Him:
£100k equity
£275k personal pension
£10k shares
£9k car
£20k cash

We both work full time, but I work in my daughters’ school so do the full-time childcare. I earn £11k pa and he earns £102k, plus bonus of approx. £28k (av.)pa. He wants a clean break on the basis of the above split.

I haven’t spoken to my solicitor since our initial advice meeting, but STBX says his solicitor is firm in her belief that the proposal is fair and just.

For anyone who has been in a similar position, does this all look about right??

He's relying on your biological need to be with your children when negotiating this settlement. At some point in the near future you will be resentful of him. You're going to be in a new house in a new area on a low salary doing almost all the child rearing whereas he will have thousands of disposable income each month and copious free time. He will be taking his new girlfriend on weekends away whilst you're unable to afford to take your dds on a day trip because you are a low earner and are paying for practically everything for them. You presumably won't be able to just pop to the pub on a weds night because your dd's will be with you, not him, he won't have that responsibility. You don't have to agree to 50/50 residency but you do need to see a solicitor and get advice.

OP I have said it before get yourself legal counsel NOW. This isnt amicable this is him controlling you and getting what he wants. As I said your OP says it 50/50 when its 70/30 in favour of him.

You need to realise this isnt best for your girls acquiescing to him completely

Dont sign anything at all. Refuse further mediation and go down the legal route to protect yourself and your daughters.

Why are you listening to your exs solicitor? You need your own.

You need a solicitor, I'd be surprised if a judge agreed to a consent order with this split with one party not having their own legal advice.

50/50 pension share is absolutely essential and non negotiable.

No fit and healthy 36 year old is going to get spousal, not unless dc have very high needs. The problem with putting your career on the back burner when you have dc is that your stbxh skips off into the sunset with their higher salary, you will get assets but their salary is theirs except for maintenance of course. You need at least 60-70% of the assets to compensate. My income and my exHs were broadly similar but with DC to house I got 70% of the equity and equalised pension pots.

You need to think carefully about what happens when your dc get to 18 and your income drops by £1k a month will you have retrained and increased your income by then?

He may well be able to work from home, I work from home, but I’d never be able to look after dc at the same time.

He’s using your maternal instinct to your dc to put you in a place he wants you to.

See a solicitor before agreeing to anything

OP

Be careful not to offend regarding not using childcare. Your children are 5 & 6. They are at school all day, most people use childcare. It is not a bad thing.

It sounds like you do not earn enough to support yourself & your share of their upkeep on your current wage.

Seriously do not assume you can continue like this and be largely supported by a man you are no longer married to. You will royally shaft yourself in the long run and up stuck earning £11k at 50, with no CM etc.

You need to do what the rest of us and do everything you can to earn more and support yourself and your girls. Being snobby about a bit of wraparound care for two school children is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Personally I think you've come out of this well....
You are getting a pension pot you wouldn't have had had you not married your DH

What was your earning potential had you never had kids/been married - if you were only ever going to be on low income than getting married/kids/divorced has got you a pay out far more than you would have earnt had you never had those things

Marriage and subsequent divorce shouldn't be about making you financially better off

And yeah your husband could go for a more even split of custody - he's coming off "poorer" in that sense

What's worth more to you??

Itwaslovely you have no basis for that at all (from the OP or indeed legally)

What was your earning potential had you never had kids/been married - if you were only ever going to be on low income

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted how have you decided that the OP would only ever be on a low income if she hadn't married and had children?

Marriage and subsequent divorce shouldn't be about making you financially better off

Of course not. And there's no way the OP will be when she's divorced. She's hardly going to be rolling in cash.

Have you even read this thread properly?

@SpiderCharlotte
I'm just saying if the OP say was a retail worker earning say £12k a year and she just so happened to marry a man on £100k a year why should she be given so much money/assets/pension/equity when she wouldn't have earnt that on her own had she never met and married him

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted but you don't know that that's the case at all. That's just 'what if'.

Do you think that someone working in retail on £12k at the moment has no opportunity to ever earn more than that? That's pretty insulting to be honest.

You might not be entitled to be better off after divorce but neither should you be worse off than your x which OP will be when no longer married. What OP had prior to marriage or what she could have/would have done is irrelevant. When you are married assets belong to both parties in the eyes of the law. She had a certain lifestyle, not exactly Melania Trump, but holding down a school hours job and doing all the childcare and I expect keeping things running at home, with his earnings and pensions as resources to equally draw upon, so all else being equal she should be able to continue to do that certainly as long as there are dependent children to consider.

I also agree a court might just not sign off this deal as they have to consider it fair and it's not even 50/50.

Thank you all - it’s interesting to see how some posters’ own experiences colour their judgements of others!

I at no point have said I’m looking for more - I’ve stated that we have discussed a 50:50 split and summarised what that split looks like.

I have absolutely no prejudice around childcare workers, nor those who use their service. Ironically, 12 months ago I qualified as a Childminder and have been providing wraparound care to children in my daughters’ school in addition to working P/T in the school as a TA. The only reason I’ve given it up is because I can’t get a mortgage while self-employed for less than 2years, so working F/T in the school puts me in a better borrowing position, despite it being lower paid. I have been providing a loving, safe, home-from-home environment for the children I care for, so have no issues with childcare providers at all. I’m merely commenting on my own situation and, knowing my children as I do, I believe that moving home, schools, community and away from our friends and family and then putting them in childcare as well, will be too much for them. My 5yr old is fairly resilient, but my 6yr old is very sensitive and I worry about her.

Prior to having children, my husband and I earned a similar amount (him slightly more). Since having children, his salary has almost doubled, while I have taken on low paid work to enable me to still contribute financially, but to be able to be with the girls all the time, too. Which also saved on childcare.

The pension I would keep is my personal pension, which I built up before having kids. I have not taken a share of his pension.

I’m not arguing the case for more, I’m just asking for feedback from people who may have been in a similar position so I can get a view of whether this would be signed off by the courts.

I’m not arguing the case for more, I’m just asking for feedback from people who may have been in a similar position so I can get a view of whether this would be signed off by the courts.

It might not be signed off. This is what my parents went for with similar salaries, the courts said 50/50 wasn't fair on my mum's behalf and pushed for 70/30 split due to her earning potential. Dad's solicitor said he could dispute it, but it'll cost 25K in legal fees and he will lose. They still haven't done their financials over 10 years later (both get on amicable split but just aren't that bothered).

OP the current one wont be because it isnt 50/50. Even if you make it 50/50 there is a chance it wont be

Have you taken legal advice

Yes, my solicitor says this won’t be viewed as fair, but STBX and his solicitor aren’t shifting. This is the firm, final deal according to him...

@Free83 the judge decides what is final, not them. I was warned even though I had a consent order to be aware the court can add or remove things, or refuse to ratify as judges aren’t there just to rubber stamp. Once it goes to court you all lose control of it.

OP you sound like a lovely person doing her best to keep things amicable and stable for your girls.8 get that, a lot of us have been there. However I think your ex is not doing the same, rather going for the best deal he can for himself. It will be you, and ultimately your DC who will lose out. His telling you that his solicitor thinks thinks this is a fair and just deal rings such warning bells. This is a fair and just deal on behalf of his client. Your solicitor will have a totally different view of what a fair and just deal is.

Please keep in mind that a fair deal can vary widely, but if you haven’t looked at the Matrimonial Causes Act, section 25 yet, then please do. In a long marriage, 50/50 is just the starting point, after which a lot of things are taken into account to vary it either way. The needs of the children are paramount. Then there is age, earning potential for the future, reasonable needs etc. At the moment the balance is in his favour. This is wrong.

Have you both done a reasonable needs form yet? This will show what you both have coming in and going out, and can be quite helpful in highlighting affordability for you and your girls for the future.

What a court might regard as fair for all can vary widely. If your solicitor tells you that they might not sign off on this deal what does that tell you?

This is the firm, final deal according to him...

Yes, they tend to say things like this. Just yawn, it’s not true in the slightest. Any time he says something like this, say you’ll have to consult with your solicitor, as he is with his.

I'm actually really pissed off on your behalf OP. This really isn't fair.

Definitely you need your own solicitor.
There’s too much at stake op
You’re children are so young and they are going to need you around for a long time before they become Independent.
Ask around for recommendation.
I interviewed three and went with the one who suggested I would get a more than a 50/50 split on account of husbands earning potential
I was sahm and also looking after our grandson full time .

You get one bite at the cherry mostly and this settlement has to do you for the rest of your life.
My ex cheated on me, was nasty at the end of the marriage, turned up at court with a file of papers as thick as his fist, determined to screw me over despite his huge Dubai salary..I got the mortgage free...because as the judge so succcintly put it..you already have somewhere to live..yes he was , with the ow

Please dont be fobbed off...as your children get older..it’s terrifying how much their needs rise.
My grandson will only wear designer items..he has a part time job to support this. The. There’s out of school activities..three of my grandchildren do violin, Spanish, the one teaching himself Japanese..needed a £45 textbook , the other one teaching himself guitar is adding to his collection quicker than you can say jack Robinson as he progresses..he always seems to need different equipment. The latest guitar is around the £600 mark..and my Dd and sil aren’t rich

Not too late for your husband to start another family and your mont,y allowance could be reduced..so please get yourself an expert.

Then you need a court date this shouldn’t be signed off at all

And his solicitor I suspect is aware I imagine he has a reputation as a difficult client

Why do you think that what he and his solicitor say trumps your own legal advice, and possibly the decision of the court? It's not for him to declare hat is the final deal. Jesus I'm so, so sick of reading and hearing about these men. It's like an epidemic.

I got the mortgage free house..it sounds very grand..at the time there was a valuation on it of £175 but I think it’s real value was nearer £150
To me it was priceless though. The family home. I really didn’t want to move.