Help! Overheard DD talking to a friend

[helpdilema]

Both year 9. Friend just 14, DD13

I was upstairs and she didn't realise I could hear. She was Skyping her friend who was telling her that she'd just had unprotected "accidental" sex with her 14-15 year old boyfriend. She seemed cheerful about it. DD was horrified, but now the dilemma is "Do I tell friends mum?" DD doesn't know i heard....
We are friendly but not close but I know in her shoes I'd absolutely want to know....

Your first responsibility is to your own daughter. I would not break that trust for another kid, so I would not tell the mother. If you could manage to tell a school safeguarding officer without bringing in your daughter I would, but I would not do it at the expense of your relationship with your own daughter.

Your DD’s friend was not abused or coerced. Unfortunately for her the repercussions of her behaviour may result in a teen pregnancy but she has already made that choice for herself, as stupid, unwise and thoughtless as it may be.

'You could take her to access medical help IF she wanted you to. It’s not like your taking her and insisting she has a termination FGS. She’s 14, all the offended mummies need to wise up! It’s about the teenager getting the help she needs, it’s not about Mummy.'

I can't help agreeing with this. All those saying they would be horrified if another mother did this for their dd, it's overstepping, etc. - I would be horrified too, but mostly at myself, that my dd was afraid to turn to me and another mother had had to step in.

I think your dd needs to tell this girl that you overheard the conversation and need to act, and maybe then she can be persuaded to talk with you and dd and decde a way forward.

If I had been that girl and someone had given me away to my mother, tbh it doesn't bear thinking about. 'A bit strict' can sometimes be the tip of the iceberg.

@finn1020

That is good advice.

I would not break your daughters trust, as pp have said, you need your daughter to trust you and know she can talk to you about anything, that is priceless. I would not jeopardise that for someone else.

My two eldest are 19 and 21 and talk to me about most things and are always calling me from uni for advice on relationship issues and talking through their problems and this is because over the years they’ve spoken to me about their friends problems and know that I’m not easily shockable and I won’t go behind their backs if they’ve told me something in confidence.

I think you need to be a little bit selfish here and think of your own relationship and you’ve done all you can.

I think the school will handle it carefully. You could ask them not to let anyone know who told them, and the girl has told others so there are many ways they could know. Deny to your daughter. I don’t usually suggest lying but in this case I would. You’re the adult, the only one who knows.

My mother was very strict and I think that is why I left home at 17. When I had my daughter I vowed I would let her have as much freedom as possible without endangering herself. She went to Uni at 18 and loved the city she was living in and never left. I did miss her at first but she is now married with a toddler and she has hinted she wants to move back closer to home so her little boy can see more of us. I am happy that she considers me as her friend as well as her mother and she has always confided in me and asked my advice.

I'm reading the responses here aghast it's like some of you have never been fourteen before?

If another parent stepped in because my DD couldn't come to me herself I'd be 1) appalled at my own parenting skills and disappointed that our relationship was such that she didn't feel she could trust me, and 2) extremely grateful that the mum stepped in and helped.

The people who would be fuming that another parent had the good sense to get your daughter the help she didn't feel she could come to you for? Seriously?

Op you cannot break your daughters trust like this by telling her mum or calling the school. If you do, I guarantee you'll regret it later down the line when your DD doesn't come to you.

I was in a similar situation myself at fourteen and my strict mum found out (she went through my private chats). She told the boys parents, so he told his friends, who then told the whole school. I was the girl who's mum found out. Then she grounded me for three whole months. I missed birthday parties, the christmas disco. Everyone at school knew why I was grounded, it was like a daily reminder of me being a slut, with all the slut-shaming that goes with it. During that time all the friendship groups at school shifted and by the time I was "ungrounded" I had lost so much confidence and was honestly spiralling into depression.

Sounds dramatic now at 30, but when your 14 everything IS dramatic.

My relationship with my mum NEVER recovered. There were things far more "dangerous" as our friendship group got older and I remember my best friend being able to tell her mum everything -- underage drinking, date rape, drugs, an abusive boyfriend, etc. I couldn't talk to my mum about any of this or the things my friends were doing because I couldn't trust her not to break secrecy.

Don't be that mum.

Don't tell anyone. These things happen. Give all the advice to DD and hope the girl gets the MAP. This happened to me when I was 15. I had a lovely boyfriend and a strict mum. I told no-one.
I made an appointment to get the MAP, then my catholic guilt kicked in and I couldn't go through with it. I walked out before getting it.
I was not pregnant, but would never have forgiven a friend if the school or anyone else had pressured me to tell my mum or take the MAP.

@themental

I had a similar strict mother but I am now in my 50s and it makes you want to leave home and I did as soon as I could.

School safeguarding / pastoral have probably got wind of this. Teenagers are not discreet! But I personal would ensure they knew by calling them and I would never tell DD I had done so. You want her to trust you but they still need some grown up help.

@CatteStreet - Sound advice.

This is not a safeguarding issue. I started having (protected) sex at around 15 (40s now!) myself and l was no wild child by any means. I didn’t need safeguarding. This is a possible pregnancy and a confidentiality issue.

I wouldn't tell the mother but I would get DD to tell the girl that I had overheard, that I'm not going to tell her mother and that she should come over to talk about it today.

Woops - misread the post - please ignore.

And no, I wouldn’t tell her Mum for all of the reasons already given.

How are a 9 year old and a 14/15 year old at the same school?

Year 9 so aged 13-14. Not 9 years old.

This probably isn't the first or the last time this girl has unprotected sex. You could take her for the MAP, next time she just won't tell your dd.

You could ruin this girls life if you get the school involved imho

Right enough, pregnancy after 'accidental sex' at 14 is a much better path

I wouldn’t tell the school or the girls mum. Your responsibility is for your own daughter here and protecting her friendships at school.

You really can't buy medication for someone else's child without the parents permission. She may have contraindications that you don't know about.

My dc have told me about some truly hair-raising issues that their friends have done, gound themselves in. Have i ever acted on these disclosures without the consent of the young people knowing? No way!

My dc's trust in me is paramount to our ongoing close relationship. I do however talk them through the options that are available to their friends so that they can pass the information to their friends. i offer my support in that if their friends want to talk i will listen and if they want an adult to step in to help then dh and i can do so.

I would hope that the parents of their friends would do the same for my dc. I takes a village and all that.

I have found that by dealing with things in this manner is more helpful than wading in and taking over. Young people need to be given information so that they can work from a point of autonomy, trust and understanding the bigger picture, whist not being alone to deal with stressful situations.

Trust is the key to openness.

My goodness, I'm shocked at how many MNers would break their DDs trust and interfere. OP has given advice, her DD will pass it on. It's the girl's body and up to her if she wants to take a MAP or have a STD check up.

What WillLokireturn said.

I'd be encouraging your dd to persuade her to take some action. Get your dd to offer to accompany her to the doctors/clinic, or to be with her when she tells her mum if she's worried about the mum's reaction. When i was 17, my whole friendship group seemed to have unprotected sex one after the other and i found myself going to the doctors with my various friends. Sat through many, many 'safe sex' talks and yet....when it was my turn...yep, you've guessed it. The nurse couldn't believe i was there, after seeing/hearing it all with my friends.

I would agree with the PP who said your first responsibility is to your own DD. Don't jeopardise that for another girl who does not want your help. Just ask your DD to subtly convey to the girl that you are available (because you are easy to talk to not because you know) to support her if/when she wants it.

@helpdilema it’s great that your DD has confided this to you and she is obviously concerned for her friend.

This friend has had sex once - eif “accidental” I’m guessing it was unprotected. Now this has happened its pretty certain it will happen again, so pregnancy is not just an immediate concern but a concern going forward. STIs are of course also a concern.

You’ve given your DD info on where to go for MAP etc to pass on to her friend. She is choosing to ignore it as she doesn’t want to go. This is the bit that needs addressing. How about your DD offers to go with her after school for support? She really does need both the MAP and info/ support for contraception - even if it’s just free condoms. If she is still resistant to going then perhaps a chemist that gives the MAP is the next best thing.

The other option for now or if she continues to have unprotected sex is for your DD to tell her friend she is so concerned about her getting pregnant that she is going to ask her mum (ie you) for more advice. As a good friend she should tell her at this point rather than ask her.