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Original poster

Help! Overheard DD talking to a friend

114 replies

helpdilema · 19/11/2019 20:26

Both year 9. Friend just 14, DD13

I was upstairs and she didn't realise I could hear. She was Skyping her friend who was telling her that she'd just had unprotected "accidental" sex with her 14-15 year old boyfriend. She seemed cheerful about it. DD was horrified, but now the dilemma is "Do I tell friends mum?" DD doesn't know i heard....
We are friendly but not close but I know in her shoes I'd absolutely want to know....

OP posts:
Waterandlemonjuice · 20/11/2019 00:44

Agree with Bestoption. Don’t tell the school, your dd will never ever forgive you. Don’t tell the other mum, not your place to. You’ve given dd’s friend the best advice, that was the right thing to do. But I wouldn't break my daughters trust.

Thestrangestthing · 20/11/2019 00:46

I agree with RJnomore1. Not your responsibility and as far as the girl is concerned you don't know and she doesn't want you to know.

Scribblescribbles · 20/11/2019 00:49

Sorry but I agree with RJnomore1 I wouldn't break my dcs trust for this. Something that might not even be true. You might need that trust one day for something serious. If your dds friend can't speak to her own mum there's a reason for that. Your relationship is precious esp trust.

IdiotInDisguise · 20/11/2019 00:54

If the mother is that strict, I wouldn’t tell her. Encourage you DD to support her or to get her to get help/advice.

BitOfFun · 20/11/2019 01:01

It won't be obvious (nor will it be disclosed to anyone) where the information came from if you speak to the school safeguarding officer. And clearly you do not need to discuss your actions with your daughter.

I really feel it's best left to the experts: do not speak on the topic to the child or her parents. And certainly don't get involved in taking the girl for medical advice- that is just inserting yourself into a drama which nobody will thank you for.

BitOfFun · 20/11/2019 01:05

IdiotInDisguise, I think that expecting the OP's daughter to take any active role in "supporting" the girl (beyond the usual role of friendship) is too much responsibility for a child that age.

stucknoue · 20/11/2019 01:10

@helpdilema

Under 16's do not need adult permission for contraception. Depending on where you live it may be available free for under 25's from selected pharmacies (obviously harder in rural areas). Alternatively the gp can provide (actually practice nurses usually are qualified to prescribe too and will make space for a teenager). Our gp has a 15 minute drop in at 8.15 daily just for these sorts of things (it's the university practice so common!)

Savingshoes · 20/11/2019 01:26

If they're both under age it's unlikely to be a safeguarding.
She and her family maybe against emergency contraception, it would not be fair on you to take on the responsibility of this and then have her mum kick off at you later when she finds out.
There's a few ways to get her health needs met though:
Phone the school nurse for the area, they'll go into the school and can give emergency contraception advise/referrals etc without parent consent if the child is deemed gilic competent, they respect the child's confidentiality unless they feel the child is acting risky and would likely refer out to a safeguarding someone if appropriate.
Phone the school, often they have to inform parents and tend to contact the school safeguarding lead/refer out if they think it's appropriate. They will also likely ask the child for the boy's contact details if they attend the same school and would likely inform his parents if they deemed this appropriate.
Phone the child's GP and they can arrange to phone the child/book apt and also don't need parent consent to prescribe emergency contraception/std testing etc for same reasons.
Basically, forward your information to a professional who can speak to the child directly and don't take this on yourself.

dontlickthelamp · 20/11/2019 01:27

I wouldn’t tell her mum, I think it could cause a lot of issues with everyone. I’d direct her to a place she can get the MAP and suggest she talks to an adult she trust

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2019 01:28

I would not break my DD's trust BUT I would tell her to urge her friend to tell her mum, because, strict or not, her mum still has her best interests at heart and will help her out with prevention of pregnancy and other health checks.

Get DD to really pile it on about pregnancy and dealing with it ASAP - she has 72 hours to take the MAP and it becomes less and less effective as time goes on. If she can't tell her mum than she can go to the GP BUT sticking her head in the sand is the absolute WORST thing she can do unless she wants to risk a teen pregnancy. At her age, she can go to the GP and discuss this without her mother's knowledge or consent - but ideally she should be given the message that her mum should know.

springydaff · 20/11/2019 02:20

*I can only imagine how mortified the girl would be if her mum found out."

She'd be much more mortified if her mum found out she was pregnant eh.

As pp says, tell HoY/safeguarding officer at school. It's only a matter of time before info gets out anyway and noone will trace it to you. Get in quick in time for MAP.

You don't need to tell DD you've told school. Needs must

kateandme · 20/11/2019 02:48

i wouldnt want to break dd trust at this point.at this age its so fragile.and especailly if this would cause the mean girls effect on your dd at school if it came out it was from her and her mum!and given how her firend is miss popular this is likely to happen.
but id be talking to her about how its not right that her friend is doing this.its all very well saying your dd is shocked but peer pressure and her mate saying its ok and being blazay about it might change her mind or make her feel pressured.

also if it does get round the school could you dd then tell you and so then you might tell school nurse?if its going round the school at this point it could then be anyone that told her.then she could help the friend.

sashh · 20/11/2019 03:25

Her mum is strict not evil.

As the daughter of strict parents I can tell you sometimes it feels it.

OP

I agree with talking to safe guarding at the school, tell them you overheard the conversation.

Tell dd to say you overheard too.

Topseyt · 20/11/2019 03:31

I wouldn't get involved at all. I would prefer my DD to continue to trust me.

Therefore I wouldn't go shit stirring here. You can't even be sure that what you overheard was the truth and not teenage bravado and bragging amongst their friendship group.

Slappadabass · 20/11/2019 03:38

Could you buy the morning after pill and get your DD to give her it, and make sure she takes it. She can say she bought it out of her own money because she was worried.

Then no one needs to know that you know, and if her mum does find out, then she can't be mad at your for not telling her either, not ideal but it gets the job done.

BitOfFun · 20/11/2019 05:11

Jesus wept- I can't think of a less sensible or ethical piece of advice, Slappadabass Hmm.

SavingShoes, it definitely is a safeguarding issue, even though it wouldn't be a prosecutable offence. It's risky behaviour, and it's best that adults who are in a position to offer help and support are put in the picture.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 20/11/2019 05:32

You need to ensure that your daughter trusts you. I wouldn't break that confidence.

BlouseAndSkirt · 20/11/2019 05:37

14 year olds can get help, MAP, contraception, without their parents knowing, so why would you break your Dd’s trust?

The GP / clink clink would not tell her parents, so why would you?

BlouseAndSkirt · 20/11/2019 05:37

Clinic

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/11/2019 05:44

Honestly?

This won’t be popular

Your responsibility is to your dd avd you need to show her she can trust you. So you make the offer to the friend, if she doesn’t take it up

Yes ,that's what I would do too.

StarlightLady · 20/11/2019 05:44

If you tell her mum, she will never forgive you, your daughter might hold it against you too.

JoObrien7 · 20/11/2019 05:45

I will probably get flamed for this but I started having sex at 15 and my then boyfriend was 21. I always looked older for age and was never questioned in pubs about my age. Having said that I was on the pill and my mother knew nothing about it. When I was 17 I moved in with him and there was nothing my parents could do to stop. Looking back now I do regret leaving home and moving in with my boyfriend but I thought I was so grown up ... I now know better.

If I was the OP I would get her daughter to get her friend to see a Doctor about this or even get her the morning after pill from the pharmacy.

JoObrien7 · 20/11/2019 05:45

"older for my age*

mathanxiety · 20/11/2019 05:46

What AforEffort - and some others too - tell the school safeguarding officer.

Another friend who is indiscreet knows what happened, and therefore how the officer found out would be anyone's guess.

JoObrien7 · 20/11/2019 05:52

You could ruin this girls life if you get the school involved imho

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