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Original poster

Help! Overheard DD talking to a friend

114 replies

helpdilema · 19/11/2019 20:26

Both year 9. Friend just 14, DD13

I was upstairs and she didn't realise I could hear. She was Skyping her friend who was telling her that she'd just had unprotected "accidental" sex with her 14-15 year old boyfriend. She seemed cheerful about it. DD was horrified, but now the dilemma is "Do I tell friends mum?" DD doesn't know i heard....
We are friendly but not close but I know in her shoes I'd absolutely want to know....

OP posts:
holly40 · 19/11/2019 22:52

It's very difficult. I don't think I would tell the friends mother. I would feel bad about it, but you are lucky that you have a strong and open relationship with your own DD and you would risk losing her trust. As well as causing issues for your DD at school with her friendship group. You also can't be sure of the relationship between the girl and her mother, with regards to putting the girl at risk.
I would consider telling the appropriate staff member at the school as they will likely be trained on how to deal with these things appropriately.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 19/11/2019 23:00

Id be horrified by another parent taking my child to get Emergency protection!!! It massive interference and completely out of order

Feeding the information where she can go back to the child yes fine. Telling your child to advise to get MAP yes. Beyond that no just no

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 19/11/2019 23:03

Put it this way, equipping the other child with information m to make tge right choice fir themself is ok. Making that choice fir them or applying pressure when you have no parental responsibility is just wrong.

notthenormal · 19/11/2019 23:08

Support another female to o get the help they need, and assist with the extra support the age may require as they are not as grown up as they thought they were

DocusDiplo · 19/11/2019 23:09

PDQ?

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 23:11

I wouldn’t tell the mum because it may not actually be true

You think that's a reason Confused

If it's not true, fine, no real harm done. If it is true however then the child needs intervention from her parents.

Imagine if she had been forced or got pregnant and the mum found out you knew but didn't tell Sad

CorBlimeyGovenor · 19/11/2019 23:12

I would tell your DD to tell her friend that you overheard the conversation (not that she told you) and that unless she goes to get the MAP and sorts herself out, there is a real risk that you could end up telling her mother as you are really worried about her. Get your DD to explain how important it is to seek assistance and attend a clinic.

Biggie123 · 19/11/2019 23:13

I don’t think you should break your daughters trust. She came to you of her own accord. That is so precious and valuable. That trust in you could be irrevocably damaged.
Chances are it will come out anyway. They’ll have sex again anyway and she’ll tell other people and something will happen.
I would just make sure your daughter has the right info and can steer her.

Aurignacian · 19/11/2019 23:13

Tell the school? I really think you need to tell someone. She’s 14 it’s a safeguarding issue.

Collision · 19/11/2019 23:15

@DocusDiplo Pretty Darn Quick

BelgianWhistles · 19/11/2019 23:17

Tell the school? I really think you need to tell someone. She’s 14 it’s a safeguarding issue.

I agree. Tell the school and they should take it from there

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 23:17

I don’t think you should break your daughters trust. She came to you of her own accord. That is so precious and valuable

It is, however there are certain times when as adults we have to break that trust if another minor is in danger.

notthenormal · 19/11/2019 23:22

Can you talk to the friend?

BestOption · 19/11/2019 23:22

@helpdilema

You’re doing the right thing. You’ve given her information (through DD) , you’ve let it be known (through your DD) that you’d help,

She maybe had sex with her also underage boyfriend. As many teens do. It happens. She hasn’t been groomed or been taken advantage of by an adult or older teenager

Now you need to protect your relationship with your DD by keeping her confidence.

Encourage DD to encourage her friend to get the MAP & not to do it again or at least use condoms/get on the pill etc.

But quite feasibly it’s all a bit of teenage bragging... you know the ‘I’m SO. Drunk!’ When they’ve sniffed an empty wine glass.

I'd be so hurt if I was the mum in this case

That may well be, but it’s irrelevant to the situation the OP is in. It’s not about the Mum, it’s about the DD’s friend.

As a mum your daughters don’t ‘owe’ you their confidences. It’s not your right to know everything about them - they’re their own person and don’t have to tell you everything and if you continue to act like this...they will distance themselves.

PollyFeather · 19/11/2019 23:24

Well, I'd tell the other mum if I thought I could with no repercussions for my DD or myself. This isn't the case here though is it? So in this case I'd be looking closer to home and I'd be chatting with my own DD about what we do and what we don't and making sure she doesn't think that sex at 14 is a good idea. It's a case of 'not my circus, not my monkeys',given the circumstances you describe. It's down to the other mum to keep up to date with her own DD and her goings on.

BestOption · 19/11/2019 23:24

@DocusDiplo
PDQ - Pretty Damn Quick

GranaryGhost · 19/11/2019 23:25

Tell school - do not tell the mum. By tomorrow half of school will know anyway.

DocusDiplo · 19/11/2019 23:33

Thank you @BestOption and @Collision . I was scared to Google in case it was something rude or niche about troll hunting!

BitOfFun · 19/11/2019 23:51

I was in a similar situation several years ago (my DD is 23 now), and I telephoned and spoke to the Head Of Year at the school. They went through their safeguarding procedures, and I obviously wasn't privy to the outcome. I didn't feel it was something I could just ignore.

ConfCall · 20/11/2019 00:02

If the school gossip knows, the story will find its way to the mother somehow.

Your priority is your relationship with your own DD who trusts you currently.

Inertia · 20/11/2019 00:13

You can't take the girl for medical attention, that needs to come from her parents.

I'd call the school and explain what you know to the safeguarding lead or head of year. The school can then go through their own safeguarding procedures. If the indiscreet friend also knows, then your daughter can't be blamed.

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2019 00:26

Your priority has to be your relationship with your own DD. You want her to know she can trust you and come to you if something like this happens to her ever.
Re the friend, it's far from ideal but you've seen it talked about as consensual. She is young and daft but it's her decision to make and deal with. I would just get your DD to remind friend, at intervals, that if she ever needs help she can ask for it.

BestOption · 20/11/2019 00:31

You could take her to access medical help IF she wanted you to. It’s not like your taking her and insisting she has a termination FGS. She’s 14, all the offended mummies need to wise up! It’s about the teenager getting the help she needs, it’s not about Mummy.

IF my DD was in this position and for whatever reason felt she couldn’t tell me, I’d be grateful if there was another adult she felt she could ask to help her.

BestOption · 20/11/2019 00:33

You’re - can you get a SPAG upgrade for iPhones? This stupid bloody phone ‘corrects’ things that don’t need changing. Drives me mad!

RJnomore1 · 20/11/2019 00:39

Honestly?

This won’t be popular.

Your responsibility is to your dd avd you need to show her she can trust you. So you make the offer to the friend, if she doesn’t take it up 🤷🏻‍♀️

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