I need to call social services about my friend - now what?

[bumblebrambles]

I have been worried about her for a while, and uneasy about her 5yo dd.

Last night I had a serious chat with a couple other mutual friends, and we are concerned that her dd is being put into very unsafe and inappropriate situations.

• Friend has loud sex with her boyfriend while her DD is awake in the house. Sex happens in random rooms like the kitchen, where anyone can walk in on them.

• Friend leaves her DD with a male friend overnight while she works night shifts. Male friend is older and lives alone, DD has mentioned seeing him naked.

• Friend gets falling-down, vomiting drunk while her DD is awake in the house, drinks during day and evening.

• DD has severe night-time anxiety, scared of sleeping alone, and has recently started wetting the bed after years of being fully dry at night.

• DD has been complaining of feeling sore around her vulva area, Friend claims she's taken her to the GP about it and was told this was due to her touching/scratching herself with dirty hands.

• Friend has become severely depressed after a recent abortion; she didn't have any therapy before or after the procedure.

• DD's life is very chaotic, Friend passes her off to whatever friend will have her, for hours - sometimes days - at a time. Gets other people to pick her up from school, leaves her to her own devices while Friend catches up on sleep due to working nights.

Typing it all out in a list really shows how bad it is. I didn't really understand the full picture until I spoke to our other friends last night - she lies about details and situations so things don't appear as bad as they are. I think she's going through a severe mental health crisis and needs support. I think her daughter may be being abused and needs to be protected. I have tried to give her advice, to help look after her DD, to be an example of stability, etc. But what she really needs is far beyond what I can give.

What details do I need to give SS when I call them?

if she had done the drug test, she would have failed. They both would.

I also know the difference between an untidy home and a place where it's genuine safeguarding issues. She's had police turn up before for domestic related incidents and even they made referrals and made comments on the state of their home. Yet nothing came of it. All it would take is one welfare visit, but social don't even go that far. It's clear a couple of telephone conversations is sufficient in their eyes.

This friend relied on me heavily, I would have known if some sort of intervention happened believe me.

I've also had a malicious referral. They were straight on the phone to me the next day. Did anyone come and visit me with their "concerns"? No. I would have happily invited them in to show them otherwise. One phone call and that was it. I fully expected someone to turn up on my doorstep.

As a PP has just said, it's postcode lottery. And it shouldn't be that way.

Rather than a postcode lottery it might be that your friend either doesn’t cause concern for the authorities or has slipped through the net sue

Please also let the school know OP

Well done for calling SS - you did the right thing

Call social services now, they need to know your concerns. Some are poor parenting others seem worse if correct. Do you know if the little girl has a father in her life or grandparents, social services may want their details

That poor child, she needs someone like you to be her advocate so well done OP for taking these first steps in helping her. Ignore anyone having a dig, if you've never been in a situation like this then of course it's all knew to you and you're doing the right thing in looking for advice on how to tackle it. Sounds as though your friend is in need of support and input from outside agencies and SS can put all this in place following assessment. I wouldn't hesitate any longer, I would contact them asap, no need to go to the school etc, all this can be done via SS once the issues are being addressed. Do let us know how things go.

I can guarantee she's slipped through the net rather than there being no cause for concern. I hate SS with a passion, and for me to make a referral was a massive thing because there was nothing left I could do to help her. She didn't want to be helped.

A close family member of mine works for the council and has to deal with our local SS on a regular basis. Our area is notoriously bad for child safeguarding. It is very much a postcode lottery.

Anyway, my point wasn't to derail the thread. It was to make the OP aware that although, yes, she should report concerns, but to also not expect anything to come from it. Because the worst case scenario is they do absolutely nothing.

Well done OP.
Speaking from experience, it's not an easy call to make but the safety of the child is no1 here.

suesylvesterr
OP can chase it up if she doesn't hear from her friend (or on the grapevine) that anything has happened. SS won't discuss the case but will/should tell you it's being dealt with at least. I done that as it was weeks and weeks after I had to report someone and it appeared nothing had happened. When I rang back up I was told the report was certainly being taken seriously and was being investigated.
I wouldn't let it rest if it seemed like nothing was being done.

I hope your friend and her dd receive the support they need.

You have done the correct thing. That poor little girl. I hope SS give her and her mum the help they need

The amount of ‘adults’ on here more concerned with their emotional wellbeing than the potential harm of a child is awful. That is how children are sexually / emotionally abused for years because people don’t care enough about anyone else. Well done OP.

This is heartbreaking to read. Poor little girl. I hope her mum gets the support she needs.

I am astounded. Yet these same adults who aren't thinking about the child will be there shouting blood when SS make another fuck up. At least in their inept way, they are trying to make a difference.

I've made the suggestion that her DD sleeps at mine every time she goes to work - with help from a mutual friend I have figured out a way around the difficulty that prevented her from staying at mine every time she's at work, so at least her DD will be safe in my house and have some consistency.

I will keep a close eye on things and chase it up if action isn't taken, just for my own peace of mind. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to help her DD.

That's a really nice thing you've done.

Can I suggest you read up a bit about safeguarding and in particular disclosure?
No-one really knows what has gone on. And to help her in the long run, if she tells you something you have to be careful about the questions asked. How you respond to her. What to do etc.

You might know these already, but it's sometimes good to have a little brush-up. And SS might mention this to you, but it's no point if she's already started to talk to you. And from what you are already aware of, she's talking already. She has a lot to say.

Good luck and let's hope it really is nothing.

Get his full name date of birth and address, they can’t do checks without all this. Then report!