I need to call social services about my friend - now what?

[bumblebrambles]

I have been worried about her for a while, and uneasy about her 5yo dd.

Last night I had a serious chat with a couple other mutual friends, and we are concerned that her dd is being put into very unsafe and inappropriate situations.

• Friend has loud sex with her boyfriend while her DD is awake in the house. Sex happens in random rooms like the kitchen, where anyone can walk in on them.

• Friend leaves her DD with a male friend overnight while she works night shifts. Male friend is older and lives alone, DD has mentioned seeing him naked.

• Friend gets falling-down, vomiting drunk while her DD is awake in the house, drinks during day and evening.

• DD has severe night-time anxiety, scared of sleeping alone, and has recently started wetting the bed after years of being fully dry at night.

• DD has been complaining of feeling sore around her vulva area, Friend claims she's taken her to the GP about it and was told this was due to her touching/scratching herself with dirty hands.

• Friend has become severely depressed after a recent abortion; she didn't have any therapy before or after the procedure.

• DD's life is very chaotic, Friend passes her off to whatever friend will have her, for hours - sometimes days - at a time. Gets other people to pick her up from school, leaves her to her own devices while Friend catches up on sleep due to working nights.

Typing it all out in a list really shows how bad it is. I didn't really understand the full picture until I spoke to our other friends last night - she lies about details and situations so things don't appear as bad as they are. I think she's going through a severe mental health crisis and needs support. I think her daughter may be being abused and needs to be protected. I have tried to give her advice, to help look after her DD, to be an example of stability, etc. But what she really needs is far beyond what I can give.

What details do I need to give SS when I call them?

I work for child protection social workers and if you have these concerns phone your local MASH line. You can google your local authority name and the word MASH and it will come up E.G “MASH Devon council”.
You can also contact NSPCC who will pass it on to SS.
Please do it ASAP.

Obviously you need to report it but don't expect them to do much.

Are you concerned about the mothers reaction to you calling OP?
You are doing the right thing.

@EleanorReally

Then why comment at all? The OP has explained what she knows and asked for advice on how to proceed. If your opinion is "the child didn't tell me and I don't work for SS so it's not my place to comment, nor is it anyone elses" then why would you bother to get involved?

OP has highlighted worrying facts, and those facts point to neglect, abuse and possible sexual abuse. In that situation I would call SS and the police so that they child receives the attention they need. That's my advice from what the OP has said.

You advice was "it's not my places and neither is it yours". So don't bother commenting.

You don't have to be a hundred per cent sure.
No-one can ever be certain,
If you have a concern about a child, report.
SS will do their jobs and decide.
It was the hundred per cent bollocks that left me ignored.

We should believe when someone tells you something that is concerning. And those words have come straight from the child's' mouth.

Sometimes it's not gossip, it's a concerned friend asking other mutual friends if they've noticed something. And it's possible that they have noticed inconsistencies. Had no-one talked, none of these would have been noticed.

As for the gp she may have taken her dd to them, she just doesn't want to let others know about her dd's personal medical conditions. But this can be clarified by SS.

Although I am surprised no-one has called before. If I saw a mate that drunk in the day I would have called there and then. Yea it's hard, yea mates will possibly be lost. But at least someone is looking out for the child.

Yea it's stressing when they come knocking. But I would rather be falsely accused than nothing was done. And I have had false accusations made, including spiteful cunts who did it because they found out I was in care, and of course, everything they heard about care leavers is true lol.

1. Not gossip. A group of very concerned friends, who love our mutual Friend very much, and her DD as well. We have all been told different stories by Friend, and have pieced things together after a serious discussion. As soon as I realised the severity I immediately suggested ringing SS and they agreed.

1. I didn't know anything about physical symptoms her DD was complaining of. I look after her DD several times a week, and she is happy and cheerful 90% of the time while she is in my home.

1. All of the information I shared here was either things I have seen or mutual friends have seen. Nothing has been passed through the rumour mill.

I will her school name and ring SS.

get a grip @Lulualla,
go argue elsewhere

@Lulualla,
it was the supposed sexual abuse I was arguing about,
but you are determined not to read what i wrote.
I shant read what you write

Oh and please don't call the school and lie about abuse.
This will be treated extremely seriously.
Report factually.

Of course.

What is supposed about it?
It is the girl herself who has mentioned pain and seeing a mans body. What man?

Wasn't metoo all about believing victims?

The ignorance on here is astounding.

@Ophelia

A child's welfare is not secondary to the mental load you can carry. Unfortunate that it happened to you, however it is always about the child potentially at risk. If you were struggling already as you said you were, then it's entirely possible that the report wasn't malicious at all. You shouldn't give incorrect advice based on your own skewed views.

Also, safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Concerns should absolutely be passed on. It is not the role of the general public to investigate disclosures or concerns. Yes, it helps to have detail or evidence, however it is deeply irresponsible to discourage a person from reporting concerns if they are not 100% sure. People shouldn't be giving advice if they don't actually know what the guidance is.

An investigation that concludes there is no risk is infinitely preferable to a child suffering because an adult with concerns didn't report.

Which of these allegations do you actually know for a fact are true?
What happened when you spoke to your friend about your concerns?

Take a look at actiionforchildren.org.uk , which has proper advice from a charity dedicated to child protection. They are very practical and reassuring about reporting possible issues, and they tell how you can report anonymously as well as explaining the process ss go through to make safeguarding judgments.

Essentially, if you think there’s might be something worth reporting then you need to tell ss: not the school. Use your list. Be absolutely clear about which points you know to be facts, and those which might just be things you’ve heard. Contrary to popular belief, it is rare for ss to respond to such a report by swooping to grab the children and having pare arrested. Much more likely is that they will make a judgment and seek to finding ways to support your friend.

Some people are either unbelievably dense or they just choose to turn a blind eye, but if a mother is often making up stories and excuses, and then a child complains of genital pain and seeing men naked, I would absolutely not believe the "Oh I took her to the doctor" story and I wouldn't wait another day before calling to report.

If nothing has happened then an investigation will show it and everyone is fine. But if it has happened then it needs intervention right away. And waiting because "It's not my place" to worry something has happened is just a pathetic excuse so you can ignore what might be happening and not have to trouble yourself by getting involved.
It doesn't matter if you're wrong 50 times, what matters is being right once.

Well this is it.

I cannot and will not sit and wring my hands when I suspect a little girl is being sexually assaulted. Won't do it. If that means my friend hates me forever, well, her child is more important than my feelings.

I would definitely call SS and the child's school. I'm so glad you have noticed something going on! Hopefully you can be this young girls saviour if she is enduring anything young girls should not be subjected to!
You haven't got to be 100% sure about anything to report this, this is why so many children are abused because people don't act on things they think are happening. If it all turns out to be innocent at least your mind will be at rest but if it turns out something sinister is going on behind closed doors you will of potentially saved that child's life.

Your not a rubbish friend for calling them maybe they can help your friend get back to being herself and give her the professional support she needs. Keep us updated please OP I feel sick after reading what you have written

SS number is busy FGS.

When people say
Well I reported and SS didn't do a thing

How do you know they did nothing?
At times I have had SS involvement mainly because of my oldest. Not many people knew this. They didn't need to know and I respected my childs' medical history privacy.
Not many people knew about the false allegations unless they asked me, Hence I know the reason behind the maliciousness.

Sometimes SS make enquiries behind the scenes including asking the school, nursery etc. If there are no other concerns what else can they do? Go and visit just in case? In an ideal world yea, but they really are underfunded and overworked. Instead, all they can do is file a report, if more concerns are made then the case gets reopened. Hence why every little bit helps to build up a pattern or not. And just because some see it as SS doing nothing, is no reason to not report.

It's the right decision, OP. Keep ringing till you get through. You are doing the right thing. 💐

Stay on the line OP.

Keep trying op. Might be a bit quieter in the afternoon.
It's Monday morning and their phones will be busy.
As others have suggested you can also go through the NSPCC and they will pass over info.

Here you can also contact SS online.

Did you check out the NSPCC line?

@Whatwouldbigfatfannydo I was struggling because I was living in a refuge - fully supported by the staff - after leaving an abusive marriage. The informant was my ex husband's mother (no relation to DD, who was from a previous relationship) who claimed DD was being sexually abused by my 'new boyfriend' with whom I was living. Please bear in mind that a) I was living in a refuge and b) the very last thing on my mind was finding a new boyfriend. So I think that yes, we can surmise the report was made in malice.

I felt the OP made it sound like gossip among friends had resulted in this conclusion. I accept from her update that this may not be the case.

Re the sexual abuse, am I being completely naive to think that when the DD was taken to the GP, the GP would have had to inform SS themselves if there was any concern? I'm not saying there isn't a cause for concern, but I did think (mainly thanks to threads on here) that GPs had a duty of care and had to report concerns if they had any. Given the GP would have examined the child surely they would have reported it?