Dd has failed her probationary period and doesn’t know I know.

[SleepyKat]

She has a part time waitressing/barista job which she tells me is going well. But dh found the letter (face up on dining room table) today saying her probation has been extended for a month. That she knows what she has to work on and manager will meet her in a month where he hopes they will have a positive conversation with a view to her continuing employment.

I’m so frustrated. First of all that she’s dippy enough to not manage waitressing. Secondly that she hasn’t said anything. I’m worried sick she will lose the job as she relies on it for money to help her at uni.

I eat/drink in the establishment quite a bit.....she seems to get on with the other staff well, she always turns up on time. I told her when she started about being proactive and not waiting to be told to do something. ie; if quiet serving go and wipe down tables, do stock checks if needed, etc.

She probably is a bit slower than others making drinks but she does generally do things at a slightly slower pace/isn’t overly whizzy. I’m not sure she can change that. She’s polite and seems to have a good attitude.

Not sure whether to tell her I’ve seen the letter.....not like I was snooping.

Well firstly she hasn’t failed, if she had completely failed she would have her P60 and a termination of probationary period letter. They clearly see some potential in her, and therefore have given her the extra time to improve her performance.

That said... your disparaging remarks about being too dippy for waitressing. Hospitality work is bloody hard, and if she’s someone who doesn’t thrive on working at a fast pace, then she might just not be cut out for it. There’s no shame in that, and she will need to find something she’s more suited to.

Have you never had a single job where you didn’t excel, and you then realised you’d made a terrible mistake accepting it? I found over very quickly that supermarket work is not for me... more broken stock than stock on the shelves. Falling over my own feet all the time and falling into trolleys. I gave myself a black eye and a broken finger in the first month; I dread to think the carnage that could’ve ensued if I’d been let loose with hot drinks and paying customers!

Maybe, she’s not told you, because she’s scared of this very reaction from you and she would rather you approach her about it once you’ve calmed down. I know at that age I avoided parental confrontation

My dd1 went off to uni. Had a job at Maccas which really wasn't for her.got a Xmas job at Waterstones. Worked at a bowling alley and then boots.
Never once did I even wonder how she was doing at these jobs. For all I know she could have been sacked.none if my business.

Are these jobs all practical? Maybe she isn't and would be better off with student admin roles - basic office, call centre etc.

Plus are you taking over a bit? If she is a very different personality to you, maybe you are swamping here - both getting frustrated that she is not practical enough but also bailing her out? Think of a way to gently give her more independence and therefore responsibility. Don't say anything judgemental or damning such as being too dippy, even if it is very tempting or even true. You can accidentally encourage people to be dippy by getting in the way of their ability/need to take responsibility even if you are trying to help them. Don't give her extra money if her money went on clothes. If she's really desperate, discuss a realistic loan with no judgement attached.

If she can't afford lunch she can sell some of the clothes she bought.

Sounds like she knows she's crap with money which is why she likes the weekly paid job.

If my mum had sorted me a job where she and her friends could spy on me (I'm saying how I would have felt at that age, not that you did it with that in mind), I'd probably have messed it up to get fired.

I can't believe nobody's pointed out how totally inappropriate and unprofessional it is for a waitress to sit down "for a 5 minute break" at one of the tables with a customer! How on earth you can think nothing of that and yet notice crumbs on the floor and think that's the reason for her extended probation, you're completely deluded. Leave her alone when she's at work! Preferably don't go there at all while she's on shift - it's only 8 hours a week, how hard can that be? If you really must go in on her shift, don't chat to her at all and certainly don't let her sit down at the table with you, what were you thinking?!

A bit intrigued by the "too dippy for waitressing" statement. I think it's one of the hardest jobs you can do. I've gained a raft of qualifications and professional experience over the years and I'm reasonably well educated. Brainwork was always relatively easy for me. The two jobs I was worst at? Waitressing and being an au pair.

I personally think everyone should have to do a month or so waitressing or working in hospitality (or grass roots healthcare). It would be quite an eye-opener for some and make them realise what bloomin' hard work it is.

If you keep bailing her out then she has no incentive to keep working - why would she care about getting sacked/blowing her student loan if she knows you'll just give her money anyway?

Let her learn. She can go to work like most students do and if she gets sacked or fails probation then she just needs to look for another job. Student areas are always full of places looking for part time staff - she's not going to struggle to find something especially at this time of year.

I completely get that you're worried about her OP - she is dyslexic and/or dyspraxic and doesn't seem to be grasping what she needs to do to move on in life, either at uni (engaging with the student well-being team) or at work (responding to management).

However you are totally also getting in her way. The point about sandwiches is the clue - "Do I just leave her to have no lunch, oh no..." - ffs you have provided her lunch, there are sandwich ingredients in the fridge. You can't even let her feel that one small consequence of spending all her money - hunger for one meal, or having to get up ten mins earlier to make her packed lunch.

Can you try and tell yourself she isn't going to fail on the big stuff - she's got caring family and some financial support behind her. But you must let her fail on the small stuff.

She needs to have the opportunity to feel the feeling of "Shit, I'm in a hole and I have to sort this".

Dear me op. You can't get it right on here

Perfectly ordinary to be exasperated by your hopeless teen. You scoundrel mother you! Teens can be a serious pita on myriad levels - but your job is to be mother fucking Teresa if you listen to this lot on here.

Really, this place is chock full of mother haters. We don't need men to bring us down, just leave it to other women.