Dd has failed her probationary period and doesn’t know I know.

[SleepyKat]

She has a part time waitressing/barista job which she tells me is going well. But dh found the letter (face up on dining room table) today saying her probation has been extended for a month. That she knows what she has to work on and manager will meet her in a month where he hopes they will have a positive conversation with a view to her continuing employment.

I’m so frustrated. First of all that she’s dippy enough to not manage waitressing. Secondly that she hasn’t said anything. I’m worried sick she will lose the job as she relies on it for money to help her at uni.

I eat/drink in the establishment quite a bit.....she seems to get on with the other staff well, she always turns up on time. I told her when she started about being proactive and not waiting to be told to do something. ie; if quiet serving go and wipe down tables, do stock checks if needed, etc.

She probably is a bit slower than others making drinks but she does generally do things at a slightly slower pace/isn’t overly whizzy. I’m not sure she can change that. She’s polite and seems to have a good attitude.

Not sure whether to tell her I’ve seen the letter.....not like I was snooping.

I’ve, in the past done waitressing in a fast turnover cafe and in a luxury 5 star silver service stately home hotel it really isn’t a hard job, only on the feet. Resilience is as important a lesson as a degree for different reasons.

But the end result is the same - you actively sorted it out, so she literally didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t even have to actually care - it sets her up as a passive person who relies on others, it stops the development of resilience, independence and responsible decisions.

She’ll either be fine without lunch for months, or she’ll decide she actually can be bothered to make a sandwich before she goes to bed.

It isn’t a fast paced cafe at all. It’s a private club which is not that busy. Dd has come home plenty of times saying she’s had nothing/not much to do.

I'm assuming she lives at home - my rules are simple, my dd lives rent free, she doesn't have a loan so if she wants cash she earns it. My dd makes sandwiches and takes tea bags with her (free hot water)

Wow! What a lot of horrible comments. Personally she sounds like a typical millennial to me, not understanding the concept or importance of money, hard work (yes menial work at her age) nor of taking charge /responsibility of herself. OP she needs to grow up, tough love time. She's an adult. She needs to start acting like one. Assume you supporting her financially in terms of uni fees, living at home etc? Of course she's "dippy", never had to not be. She needs to find her own "zest", on her own. You can't do it for her. You've done enough already OP. You are obviously supportive, that's why she feels so safe and secure she needn't strive. If it's her nature to behave like this then there's not much you can or should do but as she's at uni it sounds like she has a career in mind and waitressing aint it. But we all have to start somewhere. I've worked in factories and bars when I was at school/uni and 20 years on I now have a successful professional career.

OP don’t bail her out- she knows she doesn’t have to perform as you’ll bail her. Additionally she may know you expect her to fail - you need to back off and let her sink/swim but praise and support her emotionally

Yes she lives at home rent free.

In that case she needs to step up and you step back, she will soon learn to start looking after herself. Not sure what to suggest re blowing her student loan but she needs to learn to budget and fill the gaps in the finance with she created by holding down a job.

PJPests you do realise millennials are mostly in their 30s?

I know ive just said it but let her get on with it many kids her age don't have a job blow their loans on shit and eat pasta and ketchup till next installment, maybe it wasn't the best idea her getting a job with somebody you know because you are too invested and probably worried what the friend thinks of her and you.

Maybe OP, you should just step back, let her fail/succeed, figure out what she's suited for herself instead of being condescended to and controlled. You can't learn without being allowed to make mistakes. You clearly -do- have a low opinion of her, read what you wrote. And you seriously need to adjust your expectation that she -should- have told you. That's her choice to do.

Hmm mixed feelings here. I got sacked from a waitressing job 30 years ago for not responding to the bosses requests for a blow job.
I would want to be sure nothing like that was going on.

tell her you have seen the letter,
show her some concern.
give her some pointers
dont interrupt her when she is at work
let her make her own mistakes.

she needs to look busy, first rule of work

I could've been writing this about my son. He's improving op, but multi tasking efficiently is not his strong point. He has plenty of other strengths, as I'm sure your DD does, but it is bloody frustrating. I get where you are coming from. I'd have to bring it up, but that's just me.

Yes she lives at home rent free.

Why?

You sound way, way, way too overinvolved in her life - she is at uni! At uni my parents had no idea what jobs I did or didn't have, for how many hours, and how well I was doing at them - unless I chose to tell them.

You're snooping on her life, visiting her place of work and constantly bailing her out. Let her not eat lunch. How will she EVER learn to be an independent adult if you're always mollycoddling her?

Op you don't sound horrible you sound frustrated.
But I think you are part of the problem, you make excuses for her when she doesn't like the job, or the manager is a cow.

The problem is your dd.
I manage 16/17 years and wow the absolute cheek and laziness from them, their entitle mentally has me shocked.

I actually had one tell me they would come in but only if they could work the til, the other said they felt sick because they didn't eat so needed their break now as in the middle of them completing a job and only being at work 20 minutes.

It's not an age thing but how these teens are brought up, as two other workers who both are in 6 form, have other jobs and have been working longer hours are absolutely amazing!!! Really on the ball.

You need to talk to her.

She lives at home rent free because I can’t afford 6k rent in halls of residence 5 miles down the road. The max student loan she could get is something like 5.5k. So I’d need to find about another 5k for living costs if she moved out.

@alolimadayi yes! I just can never remember what the younger "millennials" are called. My husband faces same issue with younger ones coming through in his industry and always bemoan the "millenial" attitude. obviously exceptions but in my generation the general approach seemed to be to go towards hard work and to get ahead. Less drive these days it seems.

As you've admitted and others have said, not everyone is cut out for waitressing/bar work.

Your DD sounds like me. I was academic as I had a lot of family support/encouragement, so school and family would never have guessed, but in later life I was told I had ADHD traits. I always found work difficult. I did well at Uni but it took longer to complete as I couldn't handle the stress. Financially, I was much crapper than the other students. I've always had eating disorder symptoms etc and that is due to other mental health issues I face.

I don't want to frighten you by saying all that!

Your DD probably simply hasn't yet found her niche in life and eventually she'll find a job she can keep, and get her act together.

I wouldn't keep bailing her out. If she does have an underlying issue that needs treatment, the earlier this becomes clear so it can be treated, the better it'll be. She might have to sink a little before she gets what she needs to swim.

Hugs xxxxx

waitressing is hard work and it's possible it's been extended for a stupid reason or that the manager prefers to have people he can sack at will.
Be more supportive.

"Dippy" people often have slight undisagnosed issues such as slow processing speed, impaired executive function, maybe even they have these weaknesses as part of a condition such is dyslexia or dyspraxia. Many, many people have these traits and don't find out early, or never find out.

If speed or multi-tasking is taking her time to build up, but her attitude and timekeeping are good, then "pulling socks up" or "rockets in bottom" is not a helpful strategy.

Maybe certain skills are just harder for her to assimilate. Persisting is a life skill too, though.

She is dyslexic. Is it worth her telling work that? Do they have to make allowances or will they just be more likely to get rid of her?

Dyslexia could account for executive processing challenges.

Stop thinking of her as 'dippy' or 'lacking zip'. She is dyslexic.

If she's comfortable telling work, she could say that dyslexia makes her slower to learn certain things but she should emphasise that she will get there. Make sure they understand that dyslexia isn't just about processing written information.

She should also investigate what support or SpLD programmes the university offer. Sometimes they run skills courses or groups.

Dyslexia is a disability, isn't it? In which case it's a protected characteristic and to dismiss her because of it would be unlawful.

If it's contributing to the performance issues, are there reasonable adjustments that could be made to change things?

If so, great. If not it won't prevent her being dismissed on capability grounds.