Dd has failed her probationary period and doesn’t know I know.

[SleepyKat]

She has a part time waitressing/barista job which she tells me is going well. But dh found the letter (face up on dining room table) today saying her probation has been extended for a month. That she knows what she has to work on and manager will meet her in a month where he hopes they will have a positive conversation with a view to her continuing employment.

I’m so frustrated. First of all that she’s dippy enough to not manage waitressing. Secondly that she hasn’t said anything. I’m worried sick she will lose the job as she relies on it for money to help her at uni.

I eat/drink in the establishment quite a bit.....she seems to get on with the other staff well, she always turns up on time. I told her when she started about being proactive and not waiting to be told to do something. ie; if quiet serving go and wipe down tables, do stock checks if needed, etc.

She probably is a bit slower than others making drinks but she does generally do things at a slightly slower pace/isn’t overly whizzy. I’m not sure she can change that. She’s polite and seems to have a good attitude.

Not sure whether to tell her I’ve seen the letter.....not like I was snooping.

You sound fine OP you’re just frustrated. Some people on here take criticisms personally.

She’s obviously intelligent if she’s at uni but some people just don’t move fast enough for waitressing which is quite speedy.

Reading your other posts you’re obviously coming from a place of genuine concern. I do think you need to step back but it might be worth her explaining to her work that she’s dyslexic if this is possibly having an impact on her at work

Well she knows that at uni she has to be reassessed for dyslexia in house. But she hasn’t gone to student well-being to make the appt. I asked her why not and she says on her course she wouldn’t get any extra time for assessments.

I’m not sure she’s right, but hey I stepped back and didn’t push it. If she chooses to not bother to tell uni that’s her choice, right?

So she can’t access any support at uni because as far as they’re concerned she isn’t dyslexic.

And I can’t tell her to tell work because I’m not supposed to know she’s having problems.

Dyslexia can certainly amount to a disability under the Equality Act. If they pull her in she should mention it. They should Investigate, discuss it with her, ask her how it affects her at work and find out how they can help her, put adjustments etc in place and that should include giving her additional opportunities to improve.

That’s what they should do. That’s not to say that they will do. If they don’t you might have legal recourse but it’s really up to her if she wants to go down that road.

In my generation the general approach seemed to be to go towards hard work and to get ahead. Less drive these days it seems

Your generation are the ones who raised these listless young adults. Don’t be so smug, a lot of you have failed drastically.

I am a long way from any kind of expert, but doesn't dyslexia commonly go hand in hand with conditions like dyspraxia which can result in people struggling with some of the things you've highlighted?

If she left the letter on the dining room table it seems she wanted you to find it. Perhaps ask her how she is getting on and she may well tell you.
Be supportive some of your comments are really unkind. You say she has failed at other jobs which poses the question of how many employers are using youngsters as cheap labour and extending their probation means they are not protected by employment law.

You're allowed to read paperwork that is left face up on the dining table. That isn't snooping. Discuss it with her.

Sigh. She might not get extra time for assignments (how did she establish that without applying for adjustments?), but she might have been provided with software and/or computer equipment that would have meant she didn't need extra time.

Someone I know has just gone through the assessment process and that was part of the adjustments made for them.

Listen to @Ninkaninus, if your dd CBA let her get on with it, it's the only way she will learn. You are not meant to be babying her through uni.

She might not get extra time for assignments (how did she establish that without applying for adjustments?), but she might have been provided with software and/or computer equipment that would have meant she didn't need extra time.

Yes. Also useful things like extended library privileges, sensitive marking of coursework and so on.

I am a long way from any kind of expert, but doesn't dyslexia commonly go hand in hand with conditions like dyspraxia which can result in people struggling with some of the things you've highlighted?
Yes, but there is also significant overlap between the SpLDs so that clinicians ill sometimes talk about "Dyslexia with dyspraxic traits" or diagnose Dyslexia but highlight certain low sub-test scores in their assessment reports to draw attention to weak areas.

Maybe she left out the letter deliberately for you to find? A less confrontational way of letting you know?

My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 20 and a lot of what you have said about your dd would apply to him. He also has a part-time waiting job and really struggles with it sometimes. She may have an undiagnosed issue.

Her uni should have a learning support and/or disability specialist that she could discuss this with if she felt comfortable and that this was appropriate. It may be also affecting her uni work.

You need to back off. It’s her life. Don’t bail her out - just step back and let her get her act together. If she’s uni aged, she doesn’t need her mum hovering around while she works. Equally, don’t subsidise her when she squanders student loan instalments. It does sound a bit like your parenting has facilita this “dippy” behaviour.

It’s interesting that you micro manage your Dd but expect her to think for herself. Have you ever thought it might be better to allow her to get on with things herself and reassure her you’ll be their without judgement if she needs you.

Stop running her life and give it back to her, along with letting her take responsibility for her own actions

So it’ll be me bailing her out. This is the crux of the issue. Three words. Student Hardship Fund.

How about a part time job at the local multiplex cinema. A busy rush then a really quiet period while everyone is in the movie.

I agree you are enabling her. Step back and let her do things her way. She is living at home so even if she screws up both jobs she won’t be destitute.

I have dyspraxia. Couldn't waitress to save my life, honest to god, there was more soup on the tray than there was in the bowl, several trays of dirty dishes were smashed as I tripped up over my own bloody feet and more than one drink ended up in a lap.

I was asked to leave but the manager was a lovely woman and got me a job at a nursing home where the cups had lids, the plates were high sided and the floors were covered with anti-slip mats. So much easier.

Cleaning is commercial/office environments is another good job. Forget all this 'lowly cleaner' business, you take your job list and go round, on your own, hoovering and wiping. For me, it was an absolute doddle.

I know someone whondid waitressing for two years, moved town and did it again for eighteen months before moving establishment and being told within weeks she was failing and they'd have to sack her.

She ended up handing her own notice in, took a month's holiday, and picked up another job in that time.

She said there was nothing she could have done right, the owner was on her back day one, so she just put it down to experience. Interestingly, her allocated employee number was quite high, and they'd barely been open a year.

You dont know what the circumstances are that have caused this. Just let her be and support her if she needs it. She may well be exhausted with Uni and work (some courses are very demanding, although not all I agree)

Waiting on tables isn’t the “easy” job that many perceive, some people are naturals & others find it challenging for many different reasons. Many students ive worked with have thought it’s an easy type job and it’s not the ling hours or on your feet all day that they find hard..

Your DD sounds a lot like my DSD. I'd have called her a dreamer too, she was very laid back, quite lazy at home but very clever academically.
It's a shame, although totally understandable that your DD is a home student. Going to university was great for my DSD - she grew up such a lot and the responsibility to look after herself was just what she needed.
Like others have said, I think you do need to let your DD fail a little and work out for herself - with your advice if she asks for it, how to sort it out.
If the consequences of blowing all her cash on clothes means she needs to make a packed lunch, then let her do that. If she's too busy and goes hungry - let her until she does something about it.

I can understand her living at home if uni is so close but not sure why you say she’d need £5K for living costs ... my DD manages on less than half that.

Is she a first year student? So 18/19, a lot of this age are still quite immature, I sometimes wonder if school micromanages and hand holds too much these days and, of course, parents - we are def way more involved than our parents were, and I’m not sure where the line is drawn between support and I’ve involvement, it’s not easy.

However it is a lot to do with personality, as a previous poster said, one of mine just gets on with things, the other needs far more input ... both late teens.

If she was away from home you’d not know about her jobs. If she gets sacked, they’ll be a lesson to learn, won’t there. Back off. Let her see that shoddy work fails to reap secure employment. Let her take responsibility.
Sounds like her employer has been clear about the ways she needs to improve. Avoid following her around eating where she works etc. That feels a bit like stalking mother behaviour. Her job so stay away.

Op, my daughter is training to be a commercial lawyer and has a first in law, she was a shite waitress. Just as she was not a stellar carer. Kids take awhile to find their niche. Particularly when doing something they don't really wish to do.

What's she studying at uni? What does she actually wish to work as?

Tbh I think both working and studying together is very hard . Maybe she needs you to sit down with her and go through her finances ! If she could manage her money better, may be able to concentrate more and give up the P/T jobs .There were a group of students recently ,on "how to cook well for less" BBC1 and they had managed to cut their food bill in half! They then had more time to cook cheaply and ditch the P/T work! My own son had 4 years of Uni ,doing a Chemistry degree (including doing a 2 year Masters in a year!)and barely had time to sneeze esp when exams were coming up! He did not have a job on top at all in term time ,Managed to do some work in the summer hols for his friends dad .Its more important that she passes her finals ,and can then look for a well paid good job for her future !