Dd has failed her probationary period and doesn’t know I know.

[SleepyKat]

She has a part time waitressing/barista job which she tells me is going well. But dh found the letter (face up on dining room table) today saying her probation has been extended for a month. That she knows what she has to work on and manager will meet her in a month where he hopes they will have a positive conversation with a view to her continuing employment.

I’m so frustrated. First of all that she’s dippy enough to not manage waitressing. Secondly that she hasn’t said anything. I’m worried sick she will lose the job as she relies on it for money to help her at uni.

I eat/drink in the establishment quite a bit.....she seems to get on with the other staff well, she always turns up on time. I told her when she started about being proactive and not waiting to be told to do something. ie; if quiet serving go and wipe down tables, do stock checks if needed, etc.

She probably is a bit slower than others making drinks but she does generally do things at a slightly slower pace/isn’t overly whizzy. I’m not sure she can change that. She’s polite and seems to have a good attitude.

Not sure whether to tell her I’ve seen the letter.....not like I was snooping.

I get what you are saying OP.
But we look at these things with the eyes of someone who has been around the block/ she isn’t the first teenager not to notice the floor needs a sweep or the tables need clearing.

Being proactive and keen and looking for things to do and working a tight ship are brilliant attributes but do tend to improve with age.

Tbh I’d let her fail if that’s how it’s going and it might be the shake she needs. If they can’t manage her to work better then she needs a stronger lesson. Having mum tell her what to do isn’t going to work I suspect.

Hard to sit back but I think you have to let her do this one alone however frustrating it is.

She does sound a bit of a dreamer if that’s an acceptable word. I wonder if she might need to think about ways to earn money that suit her better than busy customer facing roles?

Waitressing can be stressful you need the right temprement for it imo maybe she is struggiling and is embaressed to talk about it leave the girl alone wave her off to her work and wish her a good shift!

And she didn’t actually apply for the job, there was never one advertised. I’ve just known her manager for years and asked if there were any jobs going while chatting to him. He said yes and gave her a job without interviewing her.

You sound a bit mean about her. What will be achieved by you approaching her? Even more stress piled on top of her while you and her dad also wait expectantly for the next month on whether she’s going to pass.

FWIW, I don’t think waitressing/FOH is as simple and stress free as you think. I recently went for food at Paesano in Glasgow and the FOH guy there was one of the most dynamic people that I’ve ever seen in my life, and he genuinely needed to be because the amount of figurative plates he needed to keep spinning was crazy.

You’re doing too much for her - sorting out jobs on her behalf, bailing her out when she’s making stupid decisions with money, if this is the general way it works then genuinely the best thing you can do is back right off and let her work out how to fix her own messes.

Fgs, I’m not a horrible mother but I do think she needs to pull her socks up. She doesn’t seem to have learnt from previous jobs.

When she was fired from the kennels I said don’t worry, it wasn’t a nice job, they didn’t pay well, use the time to concentrate on school and don’t worry about it. I never criticised her and never would to her face. Doesnt mean I can’t be a bit exasperated behind her back.

And yes I wish she didn’t have two jobs. Last week I told her to quit the one where I knew she’s been given a letter warning her of low performance, where she told me about it. But she doesn’t want to quit it as it pays weekly and she likes getting a weekly wage.

The waitressing job pays monthly but is 8 hrs a week, other job is only 3 hours a week. Makes sense to me to quit the 3 hour a week one, but she wants the weekly wage.

I’m not surprised she hasn’t told you. You sound absolutely horrible

So she has blown her student loan on clothes, you actually paved the way for the job for her and she has failed at own job and potentially not doing particularly well at two others and you’ll be expected to sub her the funds she needs and people are calling you a non supportive mother. Crikey it sounds like she needs to step up.

Ok so it sounds like you’re not as harsh it first appeared, and probably just very worried.

But you won’t help a ‘dippy’ person to be less dippy by constantly picking up the slack, nor by fixing situations for them when they repeatedly do silly things.

Agree with @Ninkaninus

OP have you done waitressing - I haven’t but I know it’s not easy or something to be looked down on. It’s probably even harder when your mother and her friends are around- she can probably tell you disapprove of how well she is doing. Leave that to her managers.

I never said anything but if I’d known I’d have said why don’t you get a dustpan and sweep the crumbs up.

I’ve seen the manager tell other staff off for crumbs on the floor and tell them to sweep it up and not let the place be in such a state before.

I’ve just known her manager for years and asked if there were any jobs going while chatting to him.

JFC, you sound so intrusive!

• Make it clear that she has to budget and that you won’t bail her out.
• Let her find her own jobs.
• Have some respect for and faith in her and take a big step back. At the moment you’re undermining her.

But you won’t help a ‘dippy’ person to be less dippy by constantly picking up the slack, nor by fixing situations for them when they repeatedly do silly things

So what do I do if she loses these jobs and has no money? She had no money for the last ten days of last month and I didn’t bail her out then as it was for ten days and I thought she needed to learn a lesson about not blowing all her money. She didn’t eat lunch for ten days as she didn’t have money. There was food in the house, she could have made sandwiches, etc but she didn’t as she said she doesn’t have time!

Do I continue to let her not eat lunch for the next few months?

Yes.

I think OP means she has no zest and zip. If your DD is anything like my cousin, I feel your pain. However, not everybody, especially some younger people, have that take charge attitude. Give her time, she'll come into her own pace soon enough.

Wow. You sound like a right dick and I wouldn't tell you either. 1. You clearly have a low opinion of both her and waitressing, it's not an easy job! 2. Your attitude is probably why she didn't tell you. 3. She's under no obligation to have told you her private business related to her employment. 4. It's a student job and not your job or your problem, back off. 5. Extending probation isn't failing it.

Jesus with a mother like you I am not surprised she hasn't told you. I had a controlling mother. Started out with stuff like this, ended up with her trying to tell me who to marry. Fuck all to do with me now. You will push her away with that shitty attitude.

Yes let her sort her own lunch honestly she is too lazy to make /take a sandwhich then leave her to it I get it is frustrating and you are worrying but just let her get on with it.

As she’s at uni, can she not live on campus or in a house share for a while? That would be much more conducive to her taking responsibility for herself, rather than relying on and disappointing you.

Well I didn’t tell her about the crumbs as I do try not to be intrusive. But yes if I’d known she’s in danger of losing her job I might have mentioned it if I thought it would help her keep her job.

I didn’t actively try to find her a job. Was just having a general conversation with the manager who mentioned 2 of the staff were leaving and I asked if any jobs were coming up/would be advertised as dd needed a job. Thinking if he said that an advert would be coming out on x date I could tell her. He said she could have a job and that was that.

Read your last post back to yourself... it’s awful. Take a big step back. You sound suffocating and critical - a very difficult combination for your daughter to navigate.

It’s one of the hardest things one has to do as a parent, backing right off and letting young adults just be. I speak from experience, being the parent of one daughter who has always been extremely driven, ambitious, determined, disciplined and hard-working, and another who has had health problems, emotional difficulties and generally a much longer path to finding her feet. I went overboard trying to micro manage and it wasn’t good for her - it sends a message that they are incapable of sorting things out, and reinforces the tendency to expect others to solve their problems and sort out silly mistakes. It was really hard to stop trying to ‘help’ her (because in some ways she legitimately needed help, or at least it wasn’t all her own fault), but there was a marked improvement almost as soon as I properly backed off and started supporting her in actually helping herself instead of automatically fixing things.

1 of my dc got an extra 2 weeks probabtion in a supermarket job she had at uni it she got her permanent hours at the end, an extension isn't the biggest deal not really.

OP your getting a hard time from others posters and I think they're being harsh on you. She's lost a kennel job and now her waitress job is at risk. From what you describe it sounds like she needs a rocket up her bum (as my mum used to say!) it doesn't matter if she's technically doing the job, if she's slow she'll be hindering the team and others will have to pick up her slack. She'll only learn this from doing and having her boss having that frank talk with her.

And I don’t have a low opinion of her at all. I haven’t waitressed but have done bar work and worked as a cleaner. I’m not saying it’s easy at all, the bar work I did was hard. But yes, she has no zip. And not everyone does, so maybe she’s not suited for waitressing. But I don’t know what else she would be suited to as she seems away with the fairies half the time.