Can anyone help me decipher DHs actions?

[AssignedNorthern]

Today I am bridesmaid at my friends wedding. We met through DH who essentially told me up front that she is his best friend and we couldn't date if I wasn't ok with that. I met her, loved her, she was bridesmaid when we got married and she is DS godmother.
Last night the bridal party, which DH is not part of, stayed at the wedding venue. I had DS all day and needed DH to get home from work to take over so I could leave. He knew that i was getting picked up at a specified time. He text half hour before to say stuck in traffic and would be late. He arrived home half hour late. I checked the traffic report around where he works and there were no reported issues.
I left as soon as he arrived as my friends dad kindly waited for me. DH then text me to say his shirt for wedding was ripped he had just discovered this as he was about to iron it, although shirt was fine when he tried it in last week with his suit. He ultimately arranged to borrow a friends shirt.
Today, the day of the wedding I wake up to three texts and six missed calls all from around 6am from DH. The texts said he had been up all night being sick and felt ill what should he do as DS was now awake.
I told him put DS in our bed stick tv on he's fine then sort yourself out if doesn't stop go to chemist. He replied that he would. He then later said he would take tablets and see how he felt. I thought ok as wedding not til 12:30 plenty of time to get himself sorted. I text before the service to see how he was he replied no better.
After service, which he did not attend, I text to say what's happening are you coming. No reply until 3:30 to say probably not coming as now has migraine.
I feel totally embarrassed that's he's just not shown up. Bride and groom are furious and say they don't believe his excuse. Another friend has suggested he was trying to ruin the wedding for me with all the dilemmas and issues he kept having.
I don't know what to think. I've relayed brides feelings to DH and now he's upset that we're all saying he's a liar. Lots of texts from him in the type of poor me I'm missing it and you're all being mean to me.

I can't tell if I'm being mean or he's tried to sabotage things. Anyone help me figure this mess out?

Have you spoken to him about it OP? Let him know his game is up?

Interestingly he didn't ruin my birthday this year as we were away with MIL, who was the one that became suddenly unwell on my birthday!!

Her attention seeking trumps his, this is where he learned it from. To them this is what you do to remain centre of attention.

My ex did this all the time. Not with events he was looking forward to or was the centre of attention at, just mine.

Note the word 'ex'.

Troels I agree SIL behaves in a similar way also.

Sorry no update to give. DH works away so won't see him until tomorrow.

Op maybe write down the examples you've now remembered.

I think your anxiety would be greatly improved if he were not living with you.

At some point you will have enough. You can't live your life like this.

My favourite saying applies here I think The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off

It may be that when you change your own behaviour so he gets less reward from being a tit then he might stop being a tit. Not everyone doubles down on being a dickhead when their dickishness stops being an effective tactic.

Towel thank you for your advice. I've read your last message a few times over and have taken your advice not to be immediately forgiving and decided that i will let him know that i had the best time regardless of his actions and leave him to sort out the mess he has made with the bride and groom.
In future i will be ignoring any dramatics and not feeding them with angry texts or immediate attention.

I hope that now i can see what he's doing i can deal with it, obviously i'd prefer not to have to manage another adults behaviour as i already have enough on my own plate, but given that i won't be leaving as yet this is probably the way ahead for now.

Thanks to all for your replies and for making me feel like perhaps i am not going crazy, i just married a dickhead!

I suggest you don't think of it as managing another adult's behaviour. Think of it as managing your own behaviour because it is true.

You have fallen into some ways of reacting that are making you feel angry and upset. You have decided to change how you react to certain external events to see if you end up feeling happier or to see what else might need to change that is within your control.

You are stopping trying to manage another adult's behaviour. When he does daft weird stuff you aren't going to try to chivvy him along or try to help him solve his issues or apologise for him. You are going to shrug your shoulders and say "OK" then carry on living your life and leaving him to sort out his own mess.

Now, if you've got a big event coming up where you predict he will sabotage, you still don't manage his behaviour, you structure events you care about so that they won't be spoiled by someone acting out.

Obviously, over time, if he persists being a dickhead, you might feel you don't want to be married to someone who doesn't have your back, who you can't rely upon to enhance your life. Again, that's not managing another adult, that's saying "this relationship can't give me what I need so I'm ending it"

Exactly what Towel said.

The key to maintaining your sanity is being in control of your emotions and not allowing him to control them. Also not feeling the need to try to explain to him why he acts like he does - total waste of time and effort and not up to you to do this.

I'm not sure i could try and explain his actions, i don't get why someone would behave like he does at all.

Do you think i should explain to him how his actions made me feel?

And Towel thank you again, i keep reading your words and i will be referring back to them in the future too i'm sure!

IMO he couldn't bear to see his friend get married. The fact that he told you that you couldn't date unless he could be friends with her is really unusual and is basically saying she is my number 1 and you have to accept that. All his behaviours sound like someone not really happy/bothered about his relationship. you don't sound that happy either tbh. I don't see how him not going is ruining everything/causing major drama either. I can't think of a wedding that I have gone to where there was an empty seat because someone couldn't make it last minute. Its the accusing of lying/all the texting/discussing with groom and bride that caused all the drama.

Do you think i should explain to him how his actions made me feel?

No, attention seeking people want to know that their actions, where they detract from the enjoyment someone might otherwise have had, have worked. Better to tell him about the great time you had - all of you, bride included. Perhaps just say it’s a shame he was so poorly he couldn't make it, got that he’s better now and leave it at that. You might find he goes a little quiet

No, don't explain. Like fab wrote, that would be rewarding him. Also, on what planet would anyone not be upset by that behaviour? He knows he did wrong, he knows people are pissed off with him, he knows you are annoyed. Of course you don't need to explain that his behaviour hurt you.