Can anyone help me decipher DHs actions?

[AssignedNorthern]

Today I am bridesmaid at my friends wedding. We met through DH who essentially told me up front that she is his best friend and we couldn't date if I wasn't ok with that. I met her, loved her, she was bridesmaid when we got married and she is DS godmother.
Last night the bridal party, which DH is not part of, stayed at the wedding venue. I had DS all day and needed DH to get home from work to take over so I could leave. He knew that i was getting picked up at a specified time. He text half hour before to say stuck in traffic and would be late. He arrived home half hour late. I checked the traffic report around where he works and there were no reported issues.
I left as soon as he arrived as my friends dad kindly waited for me. DH then text me to say his shirt for wedding was ripped he had just discovered this as he was about to iron it, although shirt was fine when he tried it in last week with his suit. He ultimately arranged to borrow a friends shirt.
Today, the day of the wedding I wake up to three texts and six missed calls all from around 6am from DH. The texts said he had been up all night being sick and felt ill what should he do as DS was now awake.
I told him put DS in our bed stick tv on he's fine then sort yourself out if doesn't stop go to chemist. He replied that he would. He then later said he would take tablets and see how he felt. I thought ok as wedding not til 12:30 plenty of time to get himself sorted. I text before the service to see how he was he replied no better.
After service, which he did not attend, I text to say what's happening are you coming. No reply until 3:30 to say probably not coming as now has migraine.
I feel totally embarrassed that's he's just not shown up. Bride and groom are furious and say they don't believe his excuse. Another friend has suggested he was trying to ruin the wedding for me with all the dilemmas and issues he kept having.
I don't know what to think. I've relayed brides feelings to DH and now he's upset that we're all saying he's a liar. Lots of texts from him in the type of poor me I'm missing it and you're all being mean to me.

I can't tell if I'm being mean or he's tried to sabotage things. Anyone help me figure this mess out?

I don't think he's got the hots for the bride. I think he has his nose out of joint because he wasn't a part of the wedding party and you were.

Given the length of their friendship and that the friendship continuing was a deal breaker in relationships, maybe he as a small point to be upset?

I do think it's about control as he does have form for this. Thing is I don't think his controlling bs has ever caused me to behave differently, I've always just gone and done whatever I wanted anyway and not changed my plans because of him. But it does have the effect of spoiling occasions for me by drawing my attention away from what I'm doing so I guess he is deriving some pleasure from this.

I don't think he loves the bride either. I think he just likes everything to be all about him and doesn't see the point if he's not going to be centre of attention. Very tiring. My ex was like it.

I'd suggest OP that next time you've got something planned that he's likely to ruin by attention seeking, you put your phone on silent and don't look at it. You can set your phone to only make vibrations/noise when it's a call from whoever is watching your child. Then he can't ruin your fun with his nonsense because you won't know about it!

That's a good tip re the phone as long as it's not him with DS I will give it a go!

Wow, he’s a dickhead isn’t he?

I think it’s really interesting that you were “in” the wedding and given responsibilities, whereas your DH (apparently the closer friend) was not. They know he is not to be trusted.

OP thanks for the update. It does sound like there are a lot of similarities between your husband and my ex. I agree that you do question things and wondering the truth of everything. When you mentioned that he didn’t go to the stag as he wasn’t interested in the activity, by ex used to do things like go away for a boys weekend, then not go out to eat with them if it was t his choice of food (generally curry).

He did something similar when our closest friends’ daughter got married, tried to take the focus off the main event and onto him in the months leading up to it. I worked out that this sort of behaviour happened with anyone he was close to, and the closer the relationship the more controlling attention seeking the behaviour. In my case it extended to our DDs and sadly (although from a MH perspective much better for them) they now have nothing to do with him.

My guess is his behaviour towards his best friend will be the same as his behaviour towards you. I’m so pleased you enjoyed yourself and were looked after though, and given a lift home.

I had a brilliant night to be honest. The maid of honour is single so she adopted me as her plus one and we had a ball. She's text me to say that she couldn't have asked for better company so that on top of how lovely bride and groom were to me has made it all ok.

He's a huge attention seeker, makes things about him all the time. It's a bit of a family trait on his side from what I've observed.

In fact now you mention it re your DCs and your ex, he did try to ruin DS birthday last year again with an illness I told him not to bother coming but he insisted on tagging along moaning on about being unwell etc. So yet another example that I had forgotten.

DS is only little so doesn't seem affected by any of this behaviour yet. Although my bond with DS is much stronger than DHs because I don't think he makes the effort.

I also don’t suspect ‘love’ as the reason.
He’s a man child and upset he wasn’t in the bridal party.
I suspect he’s known for this behavior and people including you can’t rely on him.

I wouldn’t ignore him, I would sit him down and tell him he needs to hear the truth because he’s not fooling anyone.

DS is only little so doesn't seem affected by any of this behaviour yet. Although my bond with DS is much stronger than DHs because I don't think he makes the effort.

Time will tell on this I guess. This sort of treatment - little comments made, the excuses and lying etc - can be incredibly insidious, it took me years to work out what was happening and get myself into a place where it impacted on me as little as possible, while still trying to keep the family together. He hated that he had no further control on my feelings or actions and despite my saying if he ever did the same to the DC I’d leave him, he still couldn’t stop himself. This is something that with hindsight I let go on far far too long.

The thing is, that while he could apologise at times for his actions, he seemed to genuinely think he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Apparently he still doesn’t. At least you seem to be aware of what is going on which is good, as it totally screwed with my head for quite a while and had me questioning everything - friends, family, hobbies etc

He sounds awful. Why would you stay with an attention-seeking manchild who ruins social occasions and gives you the silent treatment?

I'm not sure I am aware totally what's going on which I guess is why I posted to see if others thoughts echoed my suspicions. But the more I think about it now the more times I can recall where now I'm thinking he did stuff to mess things up for me. I suppose I will never really know for sure if I'm right or wrong but I will continue to listen to my gut.

His behaviour baffles me because I just can't comprehend what he's getting out of pissing everyone off.

Anyway I've over analysed things too much already which is my personality flaw!! Thanks for the advice.

Another one who doesn't think he's in love with the bride.

Whilst he does sound like a selfish arsehole, I do think that this situation fed his whole need for attention. He's ill? OK. Not coming to the wedding? Also OK. Any drama that people fed him is only going to make him worse. One of my best mates pulled out of my wedding because of supposed illness- I just said OK, get well soon, and that was that. She missed a great night out. (And she won't be invited to my upcoming divorce piss-up )

Lazy I suppose I'm only realising the extent of his attention seeking and becoming sickened by it. The silent treatment thing I've just gotten used to this being his way and have let it go.

I stay primarily because when he's not being an attention seeking dickhead we get along very well, similar sense of humour always laughing together enjoy each other's company etc. I suppose time will show if the bad outweighs the good. I do think also now we have DS I honestly couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday so I think it would have to get really bad for that fear to be outweighed.

Knicker. I think I fed his attention seeking with my texts. I was so angry and I should have ignored and didn't so lesson learned there.

Happy divorce party!

i think you should consider getting rid of this prick sooner rather than later, for the sake of DS. His dad has already spoiled one of his birthday parties (though it sounds like DS was too little to understand or be bothered) - imagine when he is old enough to understand, and his shitty father decides to attention-seek and fuck up his birthday, Christmas, him appearing in the school play or whatever...

He's probably jealous that you have a role in the wedding and he doesn't. Sulking as he had to stay home with the baby etc. Ridiculous carry on. It speaks volumes that nobody in the wedding party believes him and are being quite vocal about it too.

Best advice I can give is to try not to over analyse it too much, in fact try not to even think about it, as this is most likely what he is wanting.

I have no idea what the way forward is for you and this is only something you can decide. Being aware of what is going on and why can help you deal with it better. No one is perfect and at the moment It seems the good outweighs the bad for you.

Perhaps at some point tell him his actions are incredibly attention seeking (referring to past events) and serve no good to anyone, least of all him, in the long run. However don’t dwell too much on analysis of his behaviour, rather tell him you won’t let it affect you if he’s being a twat and he only has himself to blame!

This treatment WILL extend to your son, sooner or later.

Sorry but he sounds like an arse.

I find it very interesting that everyone was concerned about you on Sunday.

If my partner was too ill to come to my very good friend's wedding where I was a bridesmaid, it wouldn't occur to them that I might not be okay.

I think it shows they know exactly what a twat he is and they are worried about you.

I just knew he would be fine to get up and go to work Today!
Maybe it's going to be a case of waiting and watching. See how Christmas is.....if, like clockwork he becomes unwell, I think you'll have your answer. The same goes for any Christmas functions either of you are invited to. Maybe start keeping a record

Interestingly he didn't ruin my birthday this year as we were away with MIL, who was the one that became suddenly unwell on my birthday!!

I hear what PP's are saying re DS, and i have already warned DH that if he lets his son down that will be the end of it for me. DS is my priority.

I had an ex like this. It was all about control. He just didn’t want me to have a nice time if I ever went out without him. He would feign illness, the works.
That’s was he’s getting out of it. He is trying to exert control in situations that don’t involve him the way he wants to be involved.

I’d be very careful. This behaviour escalated in my ex to full on abuse. Not saying this will happen but his behaviour is a red flag. He should want you (and his best friend) to have a good time. Yet he’s made it all about him.

In deciding how to proceed, I suggest you attempt to ban yourself from guessing his thoughts, his motivation, his feeling. It is a waste of mental energy. It is also a way of avoiding thinking about the real issues.

Focus only on his actions, their impact on you and your choices upon how to react.

For example, I wouldn't be immediately forgiving when he eventually decides to stop being so rude as to blank you.

Similarly, I'd be making a mental note of when he does and doesn't spoil the fun.

Now you've noticed what he's doing, I'd be testing him, not for motivation but to see what he chooses to spoil, when he chooses to punish you and how he demands you respond. Then I would make a conscious decision of how to act in the round, rather than taking each issue standalone as it comes.