Can anyone help me decipher DHs actions?

[AssignedNorthern]

Today I am bridesmaid at my friends wedding. We met through DH who essentially told me up front that she is his best friend and we couldn't date if I wasn't ok with that. I met her, loved her, she was bridesmaid when we got married and she is DS godmother.
Last night the bridal party, which DH is not part of, stayed at the wedding venue. I had DS all day and needed DH to get home from work to take over so I could leave. He knew that i was getting picked up at a specified time. He text half hour before to say stuck in traffic and would be late. He arrived home half hour late. I checked the traffic report around where he works and there were no reported issues.
I left as soon as he arrived as my friends dad kindly waited for me. DH then text me to say his shirt for wedding was ripped he had just discovered this as he was about to iron it, although shirt was fine when he tried it in last week with his suit. He ultimately arranged to borrow a friends shirt.
Today, the day of the wedding I wake up to three texts and six missed calls all from around 6am from DH. The texts said he had been up all night being sick and felt ill what should he do as DS was now awake.
I told him put DS in our bed stick tv on he's fine then sort yourself out if doesn't stop go to chemist. He replied that he would. He then later said he would take tablets and see how he felt. I thought ok as wedding not til 12:30 plenty of time to get himself sorted. I text before the service to see how he was he replied no better.
After service, which he did not attend, I text to say what's happening are you coming. No reply until 3:30 to say probably not coming as now has migraine.
I feel totally embarrassed that's he's just not shown up. Bride and groom are furious and say they don't believe his excuse. Another friend has suggested he was trying to ruin the wedding for me with all the dilemmas and issues he kept having.
I don't know what to think. I've relayed brides feelings to DH and now he's upset that we're all saying he's a liar. Lots of texts from him in the type of poor me I'm missing it and you're all being mean to me.

I can't tell if I'm being mean or he's tried to sabotage things. Anyone help me figure this mess out?

Normal practice would be for him to message the bride and groom directly to apologise for missing the event through illness. Normal would be to tell you to have a brilliant time, not to worry, he'll see you when you get back.

All this attention seeking whining is not normal. Switch your phone off. Get into the disco. Dance till you drop. Have a bloody good time.

Don't let him spoil the bride and groom's day. Go tell them you've no idea why he's being a dick but never mind let's not talk about that, the wedding was lovely, everyone looks lovely, they are going to have a great marriage, who's that old bloke doing The Time Warp? Etc etc. Bring it back to being all about them. Nobody talks about dickhead again tonight. It is not his special night. That is your mission.

He's an arse

I included background to the dynamic to show she is his friend primarily in case that was why he was feeling put out

Thanks over50andfab good advice. Waiting for the other bridesmaid to come for me then heading back to enjoy the night.

DS is with my parents has been since 8:30 am

Thanks towel mission accepted!

And agreed re him being an arse can't argue with that

A virtually identical incident was one of the nails in the coffin for me and XH.

I absolutely HATED him for pulling a stunt like that and leaving me to explain his whereabouts to everyone. It was upsetting and embarrassing and I was so angry as he too had form for defrosting any event that wasn’t about nor pleased him.

If you’re shackled to a man who does this let me tell you now as your child gets older he will resent the bond you and DS (esp as it’s a DS and not a DD) share and will attempt to sabotage it.

If he’s shown any sign of jealousy towards DS already you guys need help and fast. Absolute truth.

If he’d been throwing up, he shouldn’t be anywhere near a wedding.

Interesting that the bride-his best friend-is furious though. He sounds like an unreliable attention seeker.

He would describe her as like a sister.

Yeah my XH described his female friend as "like a sister" too. Great, until he fucked her and I realised that was just to put me off the scent.

If it was just the throwing up I would probably assume he's being honest.

However, the fact that tried to get you to cancel the room, then claimed to have a ripped shirt, before finally settling on a bout of sickness, suggests he had no intention of being at that wedding.

When you get back home, you should be having some serious conversations about why.

You know what? To hell with why he was such an utter dick to both his wife and his best friend. Here everyone is thinking about him and how he feels. Bollocks to that. Maximum ignore towards him. Maximum help to those affected to feel less affected. Dancing. Drinking. Chat. Laugh the night away.

he suggested that he would drive to the wedding and not drink so we could cancel our room

So he planned all this then, and both the Bride, Groom and various wedding guests think that he is a liar with form for this, and is trying to ruin things for you. It is interesting that the people who are best friends with him think this OP, I think you have bigger problems than a bit of social embarrassment at a wedding, I think the best thing to do now is really enjoy yourself at this wedding, reassure the Bride and Groom that their day was perfect and dance with every barmy aunt and uncle and long lost cousin at this wedding, don't let him ruin the day for any of you, anything else can be dealt with tomorrow.

Totally agree with @TowelNumber42 and hope the OP, the bride, the groom and all the wedding party are having an amazing time. 💃.

In fact I think I’ll pour a small drink to toast the happy couple remotely 😀

There's nothing you can do about it now OP. Try and take a deep breath and not let it spoil your evening. I'd text and say really sorry you aren't here, you're missed, hope you feel better. I'm off for a dance now but if you feel up to it at any point we'd still love for you to come, if not look after yourself and I'll see you tomorrow. Then ignore your phone, have a wonderful evening, and enjoy having a hotel bed to yourself and have a leisurely breakfast.

Interesting that the bride and her sister don't believe him

I would assume he was in love with the bride and couldn’t watch her marry someone else

This. I get the impression that he’s secretly into her.

To be honest, as an adult, it’s rare that you’ll get ill to the extent of needing to miss a friend’s wedding. Most people would just power through as weddings are important/one-off events. So it does sound like an excuse.

It certainly sounds like he just didn’t want to go.

What reason would he have unless he's got a problem with her getting married? Did he not like the man she was marrying? Unless there's something more sinister going in that you don't know about? Have they had a falling out.

He may have just been really ill. Mind blown 🤷‍♀️

Well seeing he has form for ruining things in the past I'd say that this was another of the things he's tried to ruin for you. Horrible man.

I think you're right OP. I think he doesn't like not being the centre of attention or it not being all about him. And it's bad enough (as far as he's concerned) when it's someone else entirely - but having you as part of the bridal party when he was going to be on the fringes didn't suit him at all.

It strikes me that all his tactics over this have been to try to stop you going, or at least to stop you enjoying yourself. To the point where I wonder if, when he said he was ill, he expected you to cancel being the BM and rush home to be with him, thereby ensuring that you didn't get any of the limelight.

If it was just this occasion I'd go with the carrying a torch for the bride, but my sense is that it isn't. He just didn't like the role he had, background support and childminder.

Sounds like he was trying to ruin it for you/avoid the wedding

His excuses may have been genuine. There could have been traffic when he was travelling home, which could have cleared up by the time you looked.

Also, if he was sick all night, then he shouldn’t go near the wedding. Firstly so he doesn’t infect the wedding (hence school’s 48 hour rule), and secondly, he probably feels pretty pretty rough.

Sounds like social anxiety

Go and have some fun tonight, you know your son will be taken care of by your parents.

Your Dp sounds like an aresehole...leave him to it and I honestly wouldn't answer any more of his txts

Towel is right. Don't give him any more attention. Breeze home tomorrow and tell him it was lovely, shame you missed it, what's on telly tonight? Give the impression that this failed to impact on you or the wedding experience. If he's still cross with with you, ask him why he's being such a drama llama.

He could have some form of social anxiety, especially as you say he has form for this sort of thing. But it could just be selfishness and attention-seeking.

I can imagine that a selfish, attention-seeking man would be particularly furious about the fact that his female 'best friend' and his wife get on so well - the idea would have been that the two of you were in permanent competition to impress and charm him, not become best mates.