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Original poster

1st birthday of Df angel baby.

112 replies

Handbagsatnoon · 27/10/2019 10:06

Today is my Df Angel babys 1st birthday and I've bought two cards one for her dd and one for df and her partner, however I don't know what to write.
So does this sound ok?

I just wanted to wish your very special girl (babys name)a happy 1st birthday. I know it's been a hard year for (you, partner and ds) but know that I'm thinking of you all and always here if you need me.

OP posts:
ymf117 · 27/10/2019 11:50

I'm also struggling with this twice over. My friend in Australia lost a baby at birth and I'd like to send a loving Christmas card. I know Christmas will be the hardest holiday, but people forgetting what they live and remember everyday is their second worse nightmare.

OH brother and SIL also had a baby born sleeping and I know they feel the same, the biggest fear is people forgetting as the worst has already happened. Do your friends feel the same OP?

I'd love to know more about how to support my friends and family if PP's have any advice? I think some find it awkward as don't want to upset and don't know what to say or ask. I find it hard to ask the everyday questions I'd ask others as I know they're not okay and I know they've been shit!

I know they want to talk about their babies and we do, but it's difficult to know how to start a conversation and I think that's why others don't in fear of upsetting them.

I think you are a lovely friend OP, most will want remembrance and I'm sure they appreciate your support and gestures x

HuloBeraal · 27/10/2019 11:53

I am saying that the ‘oh god yuck’ response to birthday cards is really insensitive. And I can’t find a polite way to say that, sorry. And in my extensive experience of working with bereaved parents that is not what the vast majority want. And using words like ‘mawkish’ and ‘grossly inappropriate’ and ‘upsetting’ rather than saying ‘that wouldn’t be my thing’ is exactly the kind of prejudice Baby Loss Awareness week was campaigning against.

Just because a few (almost entirely non bereaved parents) find something distasteful and upsetting (similar words are used about the photos of dead children on FB by many) it doesn’t mean that it is. The comment ‘it will remind them of if they survived’ is a perfect encapsulation of that. They are reminded of it every day. A card reminds them that others remember their child. What I am objecting to is not those posters who have said, ‘hmm think about the wording.’ But have done ‘oh I would have hated it, how yuck’ response. This is a parent who is taking a cake for their dead child. So we can assume that they wish to celebrate their child’s life? And I found the poster who commented just below two bereaved parents had done telling us that birthday cards were ‘mawkish’ particularly lacking in sensitivity. And when pulled up on it, changed their tune.

Finally, I can tell you that again working with bereaved parents day in and out this is what they find utterly exhausting. People’s first reaction is ‘oh gross’ or ‘how awful’ to any joyous remembrance of a dead child. Then they have to grit their teeth and explain why they want to celebrate their child’s life and why it is worthy of celebration. And THEN people turn around and say, ‘well that’s not what I would have done, I am allowed to grieve differently if I was in that position so don’t take offence.’ As I said, it’s exhausting and as repeatedly erases the voices and wishes of bereaved parents.

This thread encapsulates that perfectly.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 27/10/2019 11:58

I think the worst thing to do when someone is grieving is to say nothing because of fear of saying the wrong thing. Just go for simple, caring acknowledgement. Doesn't have to be long, doesn't have to specifically use the words "happy birthday" and you don't need to offer adice or support that is outside your expertise or comfort zone. But I think a simple card acknowledging their child is a lovely thing to do.

Hollachica · 27/10/2019 12:05

Not a birthday card - I am thinking of you all today card would be perfect.

MintyMabel · 27/10/2019 12:09

No one should ever tell bereaved parents HOW to grieve and how to celebrate their child’s life.

But if you send a birthday card to a bereaved parent who is marking it in a different way, you risk offending or upsetting them if they aren't grieving in that way. There is no one size fits all way to do it and what is appropriate for one may be seen as really inappropriate for another. It isn't up to you to tell people how they should grieve either.

EdWinchester · 27/10/2019 12:11

Send them a card saying 'I'm thinking of you today'.

I would be offended at the 'happy birthday' comment - it's insensitive and inappropriate.

Drum2018 · 27/10/2019 12:12

I get a card every year from my friend on my baby's anniversary - all you need to say is 'thinking of you all and most especially baby xxx'. Keep it simple. I'd be more upset all these years later if I didn't get a card. It's wonderful to know that people won't forget.

HuloBeraal · 27/10/2019 12:19

As the many bereaved parents on this thread have said, it is more offensive to say nothing than to send a clumsily worded card.

The woman is taking a cake to her child’s grave. It’s there in the OP. We know how she is marking it. We are not guessing.
I don’t think ‘happy birthday’ would be remotely offensive. Skirting around the issue would.

See my comment above about bereaved parents saying what they would prefer, others telling them that they would find this ‘upsetting’ and they ‘would grieve differently.’ And ‘don’t tell other people what to do.’ People are literally telling posters how they would like their dead children remembered (with cards and wishes) repeatedly and are being told it’s inappropriate and insensitive.

Adviceplease1234 · 27/10/2019 12:25

Your heart is in the right place but I don't think a birthday card is appropriate. A simple card saying you are thinking of them is lovely though. You sound like a great friend and I agree its important to acknowledge it as the parents plan to.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 27/10/2019 12:27

I would absolutely send the family a card (not the separate one to the child), and do so every year to my friend, whose baby died on the day he was born. She really appreciates that there are people out there who remember her son, and who think about him and them - especially on his birthday. I’m really surprised about the advice at the beginning of those thread and a bit saddened by it.

Fairylightsandwine · 27/10/2019 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NaviSprite · 27/10/2019 12:43

As a bereaved mum of a stillborn baby I would love this, I’m hoping somebody in my family will think of it next April which would be when he would have turned 1.

You’ve clearly understood how your friend is marking the day, the cake and such suggests a birthday card is appropriate given her chosen way to grieve her loss.

You sound like a lovely friend OP 😊

Fairylightsandwine · 27/10/2019 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frenchmom · 27/10/2019 15:23

How about something like ‘ Thinking of ( baby’s name) on their birth day.’ deliberately leaving a gap between the words birth and day. It recognises what the day is about, but maybe avoids any insensitivity.

Weatherwaxed · 27/10/2019 16:20

I would love a happy birthday card addressed to my son. But we are 5 years on which is different to the hellish first year.

Roselilly36 · 28/10/2019 07:39

My friend lost her teenage child in tragic circumstances, we always send a card on his birthday, but I would never dream if doing so without his mums permission, the cards are displayed at his resting place. He is in my thoughts every day, never forgotten.

OhDeari · 28/10/2019 07:53

I particularly like this one. You can personalise the front page.

Beautiful card

It's expensive though

Daisywho · 28/10/2019 11:21

Wow some of the armchair experts on this thread have left me speechless, and that’s no mean feat..!

Hulo thank you for speaking up for us bereaved parents - you are right, the Baby Loss Awareness campaign has a long way to go, judging by some of these responses.

OP you sound lovely. When I lost my baby DD I would have been touched and comforted by ANY attempt at remembering her, no matter how clumsily worded, from anyone. Sadly though most people are, at best, ignorant (and at worst, downright squeamish) about the whole subject of baby loss and will avoid referring to my DD at all. For what it’s worth I think you have pitched it just right; you know your friend, and if it was me I would be so grateful that you were thinking of us enough to go to the effort of buying a card and deliberating over how to phrase it - that is a bloody good friend, there.

Some of the comments on this thread have really saddened me.

Flowers for you friend and her family, OP, and thanks for making the effort to understand baby loss and reach out where most people don’t. ❤️

ReggaetonLente · 28/10/2019 11:27

My friend did similar (a mothers day card) and i was horrified. Our friendship has never recovered.

It is difficult though isnt it - modern messaging around baby loss is to acknowledge babies and that they meant something (quite right too) so i can see what you are trying to do

Pigletthedog · 28/10/2019 11:48

OP whatever you chose, I'm sure your friend was grateful.

In my circle of mums who have lost babies, we are all different. Some do cards, cake, candles, celebrations. I do sparklers in the garden with my older son. Some of us wish each other's babies happy birthday, some of us don't like that.

The main thing for all of us is that our babies are remembered and all attempts by other are appreciated.

It's very subjective, however, at no point have I ever met anyone who has lost a baby who finds it embarrassing, uncomfortable or something to be ignored like a distasteful unspeakable secret.

Thanks for you for being a lovely friend.

stucknoue · 28/10/2019 11:58

I would send a thinking of you card. Keep the words short, acknowledge the significant date and that you are thinking of them. Some like forever in your heart is a good sentiment. Just don't overdo it, everyone is different and them may not appreciate the 1st birthday card

TheDIsiilusionedAnarchist · 28/10/2019 12:04

Please do send one. I would appreciate it so much if people acknowledged my daughter’s birthday. A card thinking of her (we keep them all and display them all) a small gift for her grave. All would be welcome.

You know your friend far better than anyone here. My experience is that most bereaved parents appreciate acknowledgement of their children.

Daisywho · 28/10/2019 12:12

Piglet says it perfectly. Sending love to everyone on this thread who has lost a baby.

81Byerley · 28/10/2019 12:48

I agree that it's lovely to send a card to the parents. I'd put something like "Thinking of you all with love, on (name)'s birthday."

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