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Original poster

1st birthday of Df angel baby.

112 replies

Handbagsatnoon · 27/10/2019 10:06

Today is my Df Angel babys 1st birthday and I've bought two cards one for her dd and one for df and her partner, however I don't know what to write.
So does this sound ok?

I just wanted to wish your very special girl (babys name)a happy 1st birthday. I know it's been a hard year for (you, partner and ds) but know that I'm thinking of you all and always here if you need me.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 27/10/2019 10:28

No no no!
Not even a card! I'd speak to your friend beforehand, tell her you're thinking of her, ask if there's anything she needs and ask if it's ok to place some flowers on her grave.

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2019 10:28

“ Well glad I wrote on here first if it that awful to receive a card.”

It’s not that it’s awful. It’s just that people feel differently about things and you don’t know how they will feel about it. They may not even know themselves.

Send a loving letter.

PollyShelby · 27/10/2019 10:29

Thank goodness you asked, I would find that terribly upsetting.

somewhereovertherainbow18 · 27/10/2019 10:30

As someone who lost a baby at birth and now sadly knows lots of parents who lost babies in lots of different circumstances. I have to say that I would have agreed with most posters before losing my own child.. however now I would love a card that acknowledges my babies birthday and know that the other parents I know that have been through the loss would say the same - we love to see our children acknowledged and to know people are thinking of them. A first birthday is particularly hard and I think a card would be a lovely idea - maybe if you are unsure you could choose a plainer card with a nice illustration and maybe a message like - thinking of "Child's name" always but especially today. - I know a few of my friends sent similar and I appreciated it so much. My biggest fear was that people would just forget and receiving a little card or a message especially on days like birthdays / anniversary's means more than they know x

HuloBeraal · 27/10/2019 10:31

Do you not think the parent thinks ‘what if she survived’ every single moment of every day? As a society we haven’t evolved to deal with the death of children and this thread is really proof of that. That we would rather shy away from it (just send a note, maybe some flowers) that try and remember a life.

Meanwhile FB is full of people who offer ‘happy birthday’ wishes to say, their own deceased parents. ‘To mum/dad on their birthday, happy birthday, wish you were here.’ Etc. Is that mawkish?? Is that grossly inappropriate???

Somehow we are so much comfortable with adult death than we are with that of children.

Kyvia · 27/10/2019 10:32

the same flowers I bought for her funeral
That is a really lovely, thoughtful, personal touch OP.

Weatherwaxed · 27/10/2019 10:32

I would have appreciated a card like that. If you aren't certain about writing happy birthday then an 'I'm thinking of your darling (name) and you (friend and partner) on (baby's name) first birthday. Then the second part of your message. Having other people acknowledge and remember my lad's birthday is very important to me.

Original poster
Handbagsatnoon · 27/10/2019 10:33

I understand that it's very upsetting for some and I wouldn't want to upset her anymore than I know she already is.

I've been there from the very start of her pregnancy, right up to seeing her a few days ago so am pretty much taking her lead re the birthday card as that is what she wanted for her DD.
But as I said I didn't know how to word the card, as I've never written one for a baby who's died before.

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 27/10/2019 10:37

To mum/dad on their birthday, happy birthday, wish you were here.’ Etc. Is that mawkish

Yes. Yes it is. I really don’t think you could get more mawkish.

somewhereovertherainbow18 · 27/10/2019 10:38

Just reading through the responses again and it seems that everyone who has been in your friends situation and sadly lost their own babies would appreciate the card, like I said I know I would as would all the other mums I know who have lost their babies / children. I just read that your friend is celebrating the birthday so you should follow her lead. I think a card sounds lovely and you sound like a lovely friend x

Weatherwaxed · 27/10/2019 10:38

To the pp who said there is nothing to celebrate...of course there is! It's the day they delivered and hopefully met their baby! Its not a horrorshow. It's not something they can forget or bury. It's not necc the worst day of their life.
My worst day was the day we found out our boy had died. His day of birth (2 days later) was much easier and I am honoured to have delivered and met him, same as i am with my living child.
Op - as your friend is doing a birthday cake etc then i think wishing a happy birthday to the baby is fine. Everything is going to hurt for them, you can only ease it not make it worse.

Original poster
Handbagsatnoon · 27/10/2019 10:39

Thank you @Kyvia she sees them as her DDs flowers now and has them around the house all the time Smile

OP posts:
babytum · 27/10/2019 10:44

I did this earlier this year for my friends little ones 1st birthday. I had a difficult time wording it but in the end wrote to Friend, Husband and the 2 living children’s names thinking of Baby today and you all, Love Babytum xx
Believe me it was appreciated. Their baby is thought of daily and a card on what would have been her birthday isn’t going to suddenly bring up sad memories. They’re already grieving and sad. Having someone outside of themselves acknowledge a day that should have been filled with balloons and wrapping paper and cake is so important.
Send your card OP, it will mean so much

HuloBeraal · 27/10/2019 10:44

Please say that to the poster above who loved having cards for her baby who died. Please message her in this thread and tell her what she did was mawkish. In fact I believe there are two such posters. Please do that. And if you find that uncomfortable then think about why. No one should ever tell bereaved parents HOW to grieve and how to celebrate their child’s life.
There is NOTHING mawkish about celebrating the life of a child. And a child stillborn was still born and still loved. Which is a cliche but very very true.

OhDeari · 27/10/2019 10:48

Aw, maybe ask your Dad what might be appreciated?

Mylittlerainbow · 27/10/2019 10:54

I think that people tend so much to shy away from talking about babies that have died but in actual fact bereaved parents (myself included) would really appreciate knowing that their child hasn't been forgotten about.

There is no way that your friend won't be thinking about her baby today so it is likely to be a tough day for her and knowing that she has your support through receiving your cards will no doubt mean a lot.

It's coming up to a year since we lost our baby and I would appreciate the gesture massively. Their baby was a part of their lives so shouldn't be forgotten about and anyone who is saying it's awful clearly hasn't been in that situation before.

TimeForNewStart · 27/10/2019 10:56

HuloBeraal

People can grieve as they like. My way of grieving is is much more private than many and I am allowed to think them over the top.

Robs20 · 27/10/2019 10:59

As a bereaved parent, I think it is a very thoughtful thing to do. It is coming up to dd’s second birthday (she died earlier this year) and I don’t think any of my friends will remember.
As pp have said, be careful how you word the card but I think it is a lovely gesture. I would avoid ‘happy 1st birthday’ and say something more along the lines of ‘thinking of you today, I am always here for you etc etc’. Your friend will never forget her baby died so don’t be afraid to show you are also thinking of baby on this day.

Kittykat93 · 27/10/2019 11:03

I think sending a card would be lovely. I just don't think it should be to wish the baby a happy birthday. That just seems wrong and I think id find that upsetting.

MaxNormal · 27/10/2019 11:03

My way of grieving is is much more private than many and I am allowed to think them over the top.

Maybe think it but don't say it then.

TimeForNewStart · 27/10/2019 11:07

I wouldn’t dream of saying it. I presumed the OP asked because she wanted honest answers of the type that people don’t give in RL due to politeness. However I (an pretty much everybody else on the thread) missed that the OP was really only asking about the wording, not the fact of sending it.

Original poster
Handbagsatnoon · 27/10/2019 11:08

Thinking of (you, partner & Ds) today on your special girls (babys name)1st birthday.
Know that I am here for you always,
All my love handbags.

Does that sound better?

OP posts:
GertiMJN · 27/10/2019 11:08

None of us can know for sure what is best. Even those who have sadly gone through the hearbreak of losing a baby will each have a unique set of circumstances and attitudes.

As the family are clearly marking the day, I'd agree with you and send a card but keeping the message simple and appropriate to their particular experience.

Did you meet their baby? Is the day the anniversary of her death as well as birth?

You could say something along the lines of "remembering (name) a precious and much loved daughter on her birthday ..." .

GertiMJN · 27/10/2019 11:11

X posts.
That sounds lovely

Kyvia · 27/10/2019 11:21

HuloBeraal you’re coming across pretty aggressively, this is a sensitive subject for many of us. If you really believe that no one should tell others how to grieve, then perhaps stop telling people on the thread that their responses are wrong just because they don’t match your expectations. There are many ways to grieve and remember.

We’re all different. Many people find a ‘happy Xth birthday’ card highly inappropriate when the person is not here to celebrate that birthday. That does not mean that we do not mark the day, reach out and support relatives or celebrate the life and memory of that person; just that specifically the ‘happy birthday’ card provoked a strong response for many. It doesn’t mean that we’re not evolved Hmm.

OP I just think you need to remember that what you are doing is supporting your friend, so take her lead on things. Everyone copes differently there is no real right or wrong. The ‘happy birthday’ card would be ok IF that’s what they do, but I think is a bit of a risk if you’re not close enough to be certain how it would be received. That’s why most of us would go the ‘thinking of you all, remembering her’ route, and the specific flowers are a beautiful touch.