Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

[Tohavefarted]

What a great mum you are. You are doing the right thing.

I will never get over being thrown out of my home pregnant at 16. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and it’s left a scar that will never fully heal. I’m a different person now.

Be prepared for a massive backlash if they do find out though.

[Sunshinelollipops1]

Support her. Don’t tell her parents. As long as 2 doctors believe she’s Gillick competent she won’t need her parents consent for the procedure.

[Roomba]

Having been in a similar situation when younger myself I cannot say loudly enough DO NOT TELL THEM. I would have been absolutely suicidal if someone betrayed my trust and told my parents this - I didn't tell them for VERY good reason and it would have utterly ruined my life had they known. It is up to this girl to decide if and when to confide in her parents about this, not you.

If it had been the other way round and it was a friend of mine and my mother told their parents, I would never have spoke to my parents about anything other than the weather again for as long as they lived. They wouldn't be told the smallest detail of my life or my friends' lives as I would know they couldn't be trusted with any information. In fact my parents did betray my trust in similar ways as a teenager and I tell them nothing but the absolute minimum about my life to this day (am 43 now).

[CakeAndGin]

You would want to know if it was your daughter. However, the way you get your daughter to trust you enough to tell you if she finds herself in that position, is to not tell A’s parents and continue helping.

If you tell, you break not only A’s trust but your daughter’s too.

[MegaClutterSlut]

In the circumstances you described, I would absolutely NOT tell the parents

[HereComeTheSuffragettesAGAIN]

I was raised as a JW. They will absolutely throw her out at 16. I was, but just as I didn't believe in the whole thing. I have every confidence they will throw her out for having an abortion.

[HereComeTheSuffragettesAGAIN]

Throw her out at 15 even, I was thrown out just after my 16th birthday. But as I said I have every confidence they will disown her.

[Orangepancakes]

My friend was thrown out by her JW family aged 16. She lived with us for a long time until she could afford a place of her own. It absolutely broke her. Please don't tell her parents.

[Overseasmom100]

When I read the heading I thought gosh yes you must tell them....after reading your full post, I say categorically no I wouldnt tell them for the reasons many have listed - they will chastise and abandon this child...let's remember she is a child.

One thing to point out though, after the event she will need caring for a little while - can she stay with you? I say this because a friend had a termination and caught an infection and was in agony. She called me in the middle of the night to rush her to hospital - she had a young daughter who she didnt want to know anything about this so we had to mask it by saying she had food poisoning!!!

I totally understand when you say you would want to know and for all the right reasons I would too however knowing that someone such as yourself is there for this young girl would make me as a parent feel grateful and relieved, sadly this girl doesn't have that support or understanding.

What you are doing is totally right.

Keep us updated so we can support you OP as well

[CreatedBySombra]

@Sagradafamiliar Iwouldwanttoknow is already letting the experts take charge but she's absolutely not overstepping the mark by helping a frightened 15 year old navigate this situation.

Having an unwanted pregnancy at any age is horrible, to have one when you're still a minor and you know there's a 99% chance of being cast out of your family and community for having one and terminating it must be devastating.

JW can be a very supportive religious community, but they are very black and white on some issues and anyone who wishes to stay a part of that community will 100% abide by the rules even if it means the untimely death of someone they love (that could be prevented by a transfusion) or ostracising a loved one permanently for breaking the rules.

@Iwouldwanttoknow you're definitely doing the right thing by protecting this girl's confidence in you. I'd want to know too, my heart would break at the idea that my daughter's would go through something like this without my support...but hopefully I'm raising them to know that something like this would never change our relationship and that I'd be there for them so this wouldn't arise in the first place. Clearly this is how your daughter views you which is why you're being trusted with something so life altering.

[EileenAlanna]

She didn't ask you or your DD to tell her parents for her, she doesn't want them told. If you tell them then they're obliged to report her, she'll be investigated by her church & her whole congregation will know. She'll be shunned/disfellowshipped by her parents as well, once she's legally old enough to live outside the family home whether she can afford to or not I think.
It isn't a case of telling concerned parents who'll step up for their daughter once the shock has worn off, they won't. It's destroying everything the girl has at a time when she's very vulnerable.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses_and_congregational_discipline

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

No no no

[ThatMuppetShow]

never promise to a child that you will keep anything private or secret when you try to help them.

That's the very first rule.

[TickTockBaby]

Obviously don't tell her parents.

It's amazing that your DD and her friend have so much trust in you and really speaks highly of your parenting.

Consider BPAS, as a source of information and for any potential procedures. They are a supportive group with clinics all over the UK, a contact number and a informative website.

Also, they are an insular service so no information is relayed to GP, parents or guardians etc.


www.bpas.org

[WomensRightsAreContraversial]

I knew two young women who were disowned by their JW parents for having their own opinions and wishes. It really does sound cultish.

I feel for you OP, I'd feel conflicted too but you're making the right call. I'm so pleased that this young lady has an adult she can trust to turn to

As for the sleepover, would they accept you taking them out to a show and staying in a hotel room afterwards? I'd suggest that I would be tempted to just let her stay and to hell with the passengers for one night but I don't think the police would see it that way and it probably has the same knock on effect for parents kicking her out ... has she been staying over with boyfriend...?

[Natesmymate]

Absolutely do not tell parents! She will never trust you again and if something even more serious were to happen she will not come to you as you would have broken her trust.
Also as myself was born into the faith (JW) it will not end well for her. They will make her keep the baby no matter how devastating it may be for her. They will also then turn her back on her for breaking the rules and she will be completely isolated. If her parents are as strict as you think then they will not be there for her, she would have shamed them in the congregation and unlikely to support her going forward. It's sad but true in my experience

[Rainwilds]

DO NOT tell her parents. She will be disfellowshipped at 15. Even if they don’t throw her out, not one of the family will speak to her AT ALL.

[Alanna1]

I agree with previous posters - don’t tell her parents. You are doing the right thing in helping her to relevant professions to support her. In london there are places that specialise in sexual health matters for teenagers - legacy.brook.org.uk/find-a-service/regions/london. As previous posters have said medical professionals will assess her and decide if she is “Gillick competent”- www.nhs.uk/conditions/consent-to-treatment/children/

[Mylittlepony374]

Just another saying don't tell.
And you seem like the kind of mum I hope to be when my daughter is 15.
Thank goodness this girl has you and your daughter to support her.

[museumum]

It does not matter one jot if an adult 'would want to know' - the child is old enough to have the right to keep this to herself.

In this case, she (the child) knows enough about her own parents and religious community to know telling them is a very bad idea but even if they weren't JW or strict Catholic it would still be up to her to tell or not tell.

I know more than one child of strict Catholics who hasn't ever told their parents about a past abortion and are totally ok with this.

[separatebeds]

do NOT tell her parents.
There is simply no reason for you to tell them.

[Pollaidh]

Whether you would want to know is irrelevant here, the child's welfare is the most important thing, and it is clear that in these circumstances, you would increase her suffering substantially if you told her parents.

I think the PP who said you'd break your own daughter's trust as well as an excellent point.

The earlier she can have the abortion the better, so make sure you don't get distracted by some of the dodgier religious counselling services that seek only to delay until abortion is no longer possible.

[saraclara]

This must be hard for you, and I'm glad this girl has you to help her. I'm not religious, but I'm very tolerant of those who are, normally. In the case of JWs though, I would NEVER tell them anything like this. The girls will absolutely be literally disowned if they find out. Try Googling 'shunning and JWs'. There is no wiggle room whatsoever. She is finished as far as her family is concerned, if they find out.

[MissPepper8]

@Iwouldwanttoknow

Sigh.. Don't know what to say on this one..

Background on jw incase no one has said yet. They don't believe in sex before marriage, if you want to date or marry a person they are usually within the religion (it is very unusually they marry outside, unless they joined after). All dates between jw are usually with a chaperone (even if you are an adult).

They do not believe in abortion.

In all likely hood if you told her parents they may even disown her. Depending on how devoted they are to their religion, some take it very seriously.

[WomensRightsAreContraversial]

If it helps, you're not the professional in this situation. She will come across professionals (doctors, nurses etc) whose job it is to tell her parents if there is an obligation to.