Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

[mbosnz]

If your only reason is that 'if it were your daughter you would want to know', do you think that is a good enough reason to break this vulnerable and desperate young woman's trust, and potentially cause huge and permanent detriment to her wellbeing and future?

I don't think she's overstating the risk to her homelife and family situation from what I know of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Having been the person that had the abortion and couldn't tell her parents, if she could stay the night at your place afterwards, that would be a huge help - you're supposed to spend 24 hours with someone who knows you've had a termination.

[Greysparkles]

If you don’t have someone to ask, do not delay in making an appointment. Staff will help you plan your abortion.

From the link you posted Alicia
The way you worded your post made it sound as if it was compulsory. When obviously that isn't the case.

[AliciaWhiskers]

@Passthecherrycoke yes that's true. It does also say she needs a supporting adult over the age of 18. She may not need that person to be present, but she does need to identify one.

The OP has been clear about the (assumed) position of A's parents, but hasn't said anything about her own feelings around termination.

I was just suggesting that A might need a supporting adult, and the OP might be asked to be that person, and asking the OP to consider if she is ok to do that.

[tisonlymeagain]

Absolutely not.

As a side note, if she is 15 she WILL need a supporting adult. BPAS for instance say if you are under 16 you need an adult - someone over the age of 18.

I was 17 when I went for mine, completely on my own, was even let home in a taxi after having a general anaesthetic. Not ideal, it would be good if she has someone like you available but do not tell her parents if she doesn't want them to know. Decades later, mine still don't know about mine.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Don’t say anything otherwise you could be responsible for ruining this girl’s life. She’s a JW so the worst that can happen is excommunication but if she were from another restrictive religion she could very well have been killed for this. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for the child, not what you ‘think’ is right.

[Hesafriendfromwork]

@AliciaWhiskers did yiuvread what it said.

It clearly says if you dont have someone to ask, you still must contact them so they can help plan your abortion.

Its doesnt 'must have someone's or released into the care of someone over 18.

Some clinics may say they can only provide certain treatments if you dont have someone to accompany you.

But what you have posted is wrong.

[FizzyGreenWater]

NO.

Definitely not.

[abigailsnan]

Please do not tell the parents it will cost you the trust of your DD and her friend when she goes for the procedure go with her and have do a sleepover at your house to keep a check on her for 24/48 hrs.

[PlasticPatty]

Do not tell.
Her body. Her need, rather than choice, in this case.
Her 'choice' comes in whether to tell her parents or not. At this stage, she chooses not.
Don't make her life harder.
They trust you. Don't let them down.
Can she stay with you overnight, or for a couple of days? Presumably she'll be medical not surgical but it's very hard for some when it happens.
I'm sorry this landed on you. I wouldn't want the responsibility of knowing when the parents didn't. But, you'd be cruel to tell.

[KatyCarrCan]

It's great saying 'don't tell her parents' and 'don't break her trust' but you have a 15-yr-old who is pregnant. She needs advice about contraception. She needs a conversation to ensure she wasn't abused. She may need support (medical or emotional) after the abortion. If you're willing to take on all that responsibility then fine.
If you're not telling her parents, she needs an adult who will step up for her. If that isn't you, then you need to think about who it is.

[PixieDustt]

No, don't say a word.
It must've taken a lot for her to even come to you. Do not break that trust. The girl knows her parents more than anyone and she has already stated they would disown her.
Not now but I'm sure when the girl is older she will thank you for your kindness and understanding.

[ScatteredMama82]

I agree with the previous posters, you can't tell them. You would want to know because you would want to support your daughter but it sounds like A knows her parents would be anything but supportive. You sound like a wonderful Mum, the fact that your daughter and her friend trusted you enough to confide in you is fantastic. They're very lucky to have you.

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

Thank you - I think actually reading the responses has really helped. PP are correct I would want to know to support my DD. But we've always had an open relationship. DD knows I keep her confidence and if I cant I tell her why, she previously told me of a friend speaking to an older man online, I did report it to the safeguarding lead at school but told DD and explained why but made sure the teachers knew that she didn't want anyone to know it came from her.

The reason I arranged private counselling is because I rang the sexual health clinic and they said they recommend counselling but the wait is 3-4 weeks but gave me details of private counsellors if I wanted to arrange it sooner. I think A needs someone to speak to sooner rather than later. A doesn't want her GP to know (I have no idea who it is) as they know her parents, but I'm not sure I can arrange it without taking her to her GP. I could pay for it privately but I'm not sure how to do this either and whether they would allow me to sign any paperwork as I'm not related to her. Maybe another call to the sexual health clinic unless anyone knows where would be best to contact in London?

I'm glad she felt she could tell me and trust me but I feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure everything is done correctly as it is a decision that could affect her for life. Wont discuss with her parents but I need to make sure she is looked after and I feel it's a bigger responsibility than looking after my own DD (I realise this makes no sense but I'm struggling to describe how I feel).

[PrincessScarlett]

Please don't tell A's parents. It is not your place to tell them and could have serious repercussions for A.

[Catsandchardonnay]

Don’t tell them. The child is the most important person here, not the parents.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

There was an AMA on here over the weekend, by a woman who was an ex JW. Having read that, I would say absolutely don’t tell her parents. I might think differently normally, but from what I can see of that religion, you would really compromise her safety by telling them. I would make sure that any counselling she has is fully impartial though (or at least encourage her to) as the ones attached to abortion providers aren’t always.

[Paddy1234]

Please, please don't tell them ❤️

[AliciaWhiskers]

You can arrange a termination without going through the GP. Call BPAS as a starting point on 03457 30 40 30

[Sportsnight]

Was it Marie Stopes you spoke to OP? Try giving them a call. They have clinics in London.

[mycatthinksshesatiger]

You would want to know because you sound like the sort of parent who loves their child unconditionally and will support them no matter what.

Whatever the reality of their actual reaction, this girl clearly feels her parents’ love is conditional upon her compliance with their behavioural expectations.

You are trying to put yourself in their shoes but you can’t really as they are coming at things from a totally different perspective, so it’s impossible for you to know that they would prefer to know. You are not them and don’t have the same belief system.

It’s lovely that your daughter felt able to come to you with this friend. Clearly she has illustrated why you’re the sort of parent who would want to know (in a supportive, not punitive way). If her friend truly believed her parents would stand by her she would have told them, not you.

At 15 she’s likely to have Gillivk competence therefore she is able to make this decision herself. She will need support too. Please don’t jeopardise what’s left of her childhood by betraying her trust (and your DD’s)

[EffRam]

Marie Stopes offer terminations to under 16 and have clinics in London. They also offer counselling (perhaps it was them you spoke to?). Give them a call and they will be able to tell you how to arrange and what she needs to do - a friend used to work for them, another friend also had a termination there (and counselling after) and said it was as good as it could have been.

You sound like an amazing mum. It is such a huge responsibility but that girl will be so grateful for your support.

[Nitsmugandselfrighteous]

It’s very difficult for you OP. I understand that you want to make sure she’s had the counselling so that she knows she’s making the right decision although it sounds as though she really doesn’t have a choice, given her circumstances

I’m sure there will be someone on here in a minute to tell you where she can access free counselling in London. I would ask you where you are but it’s probably better done by pm by someone who can offer the advice.

I knew you were going to say her parents know her GP

[Passthecherrycoke]

To be honest if she’s 15 and needs a 16 year old to accompany her just advise your DD to lie and say she’s over 16.

[icebearforpresident]

I am so glad this thread is full of people saying don’t tell. Make sure she knows that if SHE wants to tell them herself you will support her but you just can’t do it yourself.

You’re doing a good thing here, don’t lose that trust. I only have young kids but I hope, if for whatever reason, my girls found themselves in A’s circumstances and felt they couldn’t talk to me they would have someone like you who could help them.