It’s my last (probably) Xmas with the kids. Ideas to make it special

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

I have been diagnosed with Secondary Breast Cancer, a particularly nasty type which means My prognosis is 9-12 months.

I’m feeling physically fine on this chemo so looking forward to Xmas with the kids aged 16, 15, 12, 10 and 3.

We already have little traditions like new pjs on Xmas Eve. But this year I will have the whole day with them instead of splitting it with ex so I get to make them dinner etc.

Any other ideas to make it special?

I am coming at this from a different angle- which is if it works for you, then throw yourself into this Christmas but also don't pressure yourself about it. It's possible to have a great time whilst not consciously #making memories. It can sometimes feel a pressure to have to perform being a perfect mum as well as all the stress and strain of actually being ill. So, be kind to yourself, do as much or as little as you like, take photos or videos if you want, but also get help around you, buy in food if it's easier and you may like to have other adults (friends, grandparents, partner) around for emotional support for you and your family, it can provide a bit of a diversion and not put too much pressure on you. Hugs to you.

Firstly, I'm very sorry about your health and I hope you have as much time left here as is needed to fulfill what you want to do for your children before going on to the next life.

I like Dowser's idea whereby "Just before my mum went into a care home with dementia in 2012 I started to write the book of my life so my grandchildren knew their roots and the lovely families they came from"
When my dad died 9 years ago I started to have the most stupid questions like:

1. What colour was his childhood bike? (I knew he used to take it apart and put it back together again in the back garden so he could be close to his dad whilst he was doing the garden).
2. Which of his sets of grandparents he preferred.
3. Ths primary school he went to (his childhood home was over 200 miles away).

His writing was beautiful and he'd sent me plenty of notes over the years. Even if he went away for couple of days he would send a post card to me and I have one which, uncharacteristically, says on it "PS I love you" which is now a treasured possession. I've always, thankfully, kept all greeting cards from close family. Having his writing means such a lot to me.

Recipes is also a great idea. DC always think no-one ever makes meals as good as your mum.

I used to be bored by Family History and couldn't understand why anyone would want to trace their ancestry. However, I started this before my dad became ill and he just wrote me some information about his family which really helped me find where my ancestors lived. It also left me with great feelings about him as his personalty shone through from things he wrote about each.

On the subject of videos I would suggest you don't wait until much later on as you, presumably, want your DC to remember you looking as healthy as possible.

After hmy dad died I wrote reams of stuff such as his favourite TV programmes over the years, his favourite songs, colours, clothing and lots of my memories from over the years. Perhaps you could do that for your chidren to make sure, in years to come, they don't forget these things which seem really trivial now but aren't.

I also love the Christmas bauble idea and, in fact, I buy my dad a bauble each year and put it on a Christmas tree that we take to the Gardens of Remembrance. It's a new tradition we have for him.

Maybe each child could have a mini Christmas tree that you buy and decorate for them that they keep forever so that each Christmas they look at it and remember you.

@AHobbyaweek

"What comforts me or I suppose used to was smelling her perfume and I wish I had managed to get a bottle of it."
Do they not still make the perfume? Maybe you can still get a bottle of it?

Just for personal context my Dad has stage 4 cancer, I'm going with him for scan results tomorrow and it's quite likely our last Christmas together. I hope you will disregard anything I write that isn't helpful and excuse my clumsiness.

Dear OP, thinking back over how I have coped with losing people close to me and how other family members have coped people do react in very different ways and what will comfort one person might be hard for another. There are lots of lovely ideas on this thread. Rather than suggest any object for you to create or give I've got a different idea.

What might you really like for Christmas that might be a comfort and source of strength when you feel poorly? You might think there's a particular cd you'd find relaxing or a dvd that would make you laugh or scented hand cream or a tiny beautiful ornament. Could you, for example, ask your kids to give you things for "Mum's Cancer survival kit" to help you feel better on bad days? Even giving them a wishlist? Perhaps small enough to fit in a little bag you can have with you at hospital appointments, just in case you need a lift.

You will be the one to tell them that surviving means being able to be yourself, to feel love and feel loved or whatever language makes sense to you.

The reason I am suggesting this is because if one of your children, at some stage, couldn't bear to read the letter, cook the recipe or cuddle the blanket they would still have a lovely memory of how happy they had made you. They'd know they had made Mum laugh, that they'd given her a Christmas gift she'd loved which had really helped her in her hour of need, that they were able to love and comfort you and can love and comfort each other.

I have also come across the wonderful book Tear Soup which you might like to look at if you haven't already. Much love and 🎁

Christ! I'm so, so sorry to read all this,OP.I'm late to the thread so really I've nothing to add re: making memories,etc. but I've gone through a year of treatments for b/c and I just wondered - have you hit that 'jelly legs' stage that my friends and I talked about with chemo? Y'know,when suddenly your legs turn to,well,jelly, and all your strength goes?Really and practically, I'd be thinking of buying all your christmas gifts now and leave the food stuff to your fave s/market to provide
And then you can concentrate on having a blinding good time with your children.
You know it makes sense
I wish you, and your children, all the very very best.
Thinking of you.

Our daughter, who lost her mum to secondary breast cancer two years ago really wanted her mum to have left her a letter, or a video. Something she could keep that was personal and by her mum. It seemed to be the little things which meant the most.

Big hugs to you. A large montage christmas card from either Moonpig or Funky Pigeon which you can personalise full of square photos (if you have instagram I think you can upload from there) of you and your children and then a lovely message inside with your handwriting. The cards come in a card envelope so can be kept as a keepsake for them to read back on with fond memories.

I’m sorry OP, I am not great on Christmas traditions for teens but for I used to put a landing stripe in the garden made with tea lights for Santa for my 3 year old.

I have a little tradition with DS. Every year I write him a very long letter where I cover what he has achieved, what went wrong but he managed to put right and a little reflection of what made me feel so proud of him. He likes the letters so much, he has been writing similar ones for me for most of his teen years.

Can you choose a very personal Christmas ornament for each of them to keep? DS used to choose one every Christmas and I wanted to give them all of them as a house warming present when he finally moved out.

I’m so sorry. These moments must be so precious to you.

I know some things are time consuming -

Do you have time to write letters for each birthday? Or significant events, 18, 21, getting married, first child.

Christmas why not spread it out. Make it two weeks of lovely things every day. And get someone else to document them, so the photos are of you and kids. Maybe kids take turns taking photos each day.

Things like:
Visiting parts of town in the car to see great Christmas lights
Seeing carols
Going to animal park they usually have Christmas stuff and lights
Walk in a favourite place. One that they can return to.
All plant a tree or plan to plant a tree together somewhere, where they can watch it grow. Tell them how you’d love it to remind you of how they all grow. And their children will be like the acorns and branches. And make new trees.
Create some special places. Are there some places you feel are very important to you? Even favourite cafe, where you took them as kids, give them a sense of you and places they can be reminded.
Go to the sea with them all
Have a lounge day and make biscuits.
Have a cinema day and see the great Christmas movies but make it extra special with nicest seats or something.
Make some decorations together. Ones that will last.
Go to a garden centre at Christmas they are full of Christmas stuff and quite fun.
Have a dress up as an elf day and watch Elf. Love that movie.
Have a old fashioned day and have tea, cake and watch It’s a wonderful life. Bring tissues.
Do something a little ridiculous and fun like all do a park run as reindeers.

So sorry to hear this op.

You can get personalised story books on the web which include your child's name and other family members. Your 3 year old and your 10 year old might like a story book each which includes you in the story. You could get a different story for both of them. You could even get them for the older ones. They would make a lovely inexpensive surprize on Christmas morning and would be very special to keep. You could write something personal to each of them on the front page of each one's personal book.

recordmenow.org/

Not for Christmas but for when you’re ready.
Sending you strength and peace.

I'm so so sorry .

I saw this advert on Facebook earlier www.inscripture.com/filter/handwriting-jewellery/
They make jewellery with people's handwriting on. Maybe a gift for each child with your writing? Something they can keep forever that will be a part of you.

Otherwise, I would say try to keep things "normal". Do what you would always do, but get all the pictures and videos you can. I also love the ideas people have said about how you do things, like recipe books. They would be so treasured.

I lost my mum ten years ago and I have a bag in my bedside drawer with a silk scarf in that still smells of her perfume. It is fainter now but it helped me a lot in the first years. I also have a crystal candle holder that we used at Christmas but it also twinkles is at us in the autumn when the sun goes down, little dots of light hit the ceiling and my daughter says “here’s nanny”! My thoughts are with you op, I hope you have a fantastic Christmas. I also recommend photos as I have few of me with me with my mum - always behind the camera.

I am so sorry to read this I hope you manage to have a wonderful Christmas.

Just before my Auntie died she wrote a Christmas fairytale using the names of my children who were little at the time. The story features a ginger bread house so she gave us one of those too. Every year we make a ginger bread house and I read the story out loud sat around it. The story itself is not a work of art and it’s written on scrappy paper compete with crossing out and spelling mistakes but it’s one our prized possessions my girls are older now but we always make time no matter where We are or what I am doing to do this each year.

I set up email addresses for my kids which only I know and I send them notes photos etc so they can see it old when they’re older- maybe a nice thing to do over the next few months?

Some really lovely ideas here thank you.

So many people have said about recordings. I will definately do more of them and send them to the email address i set up so they can be lost.

We have a few family games we play but I’d love more ideas.

So sorry, OP. I bought one each of these journals for each of my DS's grandparents (the grandma/grandpa ones) a few Christmases ago. My in-laws live a long way away and I'm not sure whether they've ever done theirs, but my DS and my dad spent many a happy afternoon going through the questions, and he has it to treasure now that my dad has gone.

Recipes are another great suggestion. My mum's handwritten recipe book with crossings-out, notes and floury sticky bits is one of my most treasured possessions, but a lot of the everyday meals she made are missing because she just did them from memory and I've never quite been able to recreate them.

Not for Christmas, but could you start a journal where you record what you did with the children ever day? I had a diary as a little girl and I often enjoy reading it, as it often jogs memories.

I also second the idea of "spreading" Christmas: maybe have end of year dishes in the entire week between Christmas and New Year, so you get more days of fun. I'd try and do activities they would be able to do later, such as watching films you enjoy, or listening to your favourite music.

Are there day trips you want to do? Travelling makes for some strong memories. I'll never forget winning the bingo with my grandmother on a cruise.

Mind you, there's no need for it to be the best Christmas ever. Another memory I will never forget about my grandmother is my kitten biting her in a random day and her bursting out laughing as she announced: "she's so delicate, the bite tickles!"

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I hope you have enough time to do everything you want.

🌷🌷🌷💗

Bless you @Sharpandshineyteeth

If you are using a hotmail account to keep the recordings, please note the account will be deleted if not opened in x number of months AND messages that have not been put on special folders are automatically deleted after some time.

So sorry to hear your prognosis, OP.

Might have been mentioned before, but how about making memory baubles for the Xmas trees together?

Get the kids to gather together small things that remind them of good times during the year and pop them in these:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Yeelan-Plastic-Acrylic-Fillable-Ornament/dp/B06ZZ7QP8Y?ref=fsclpppldpp2

Alternatively (and not necessarily Christmassy) keep a diary of one great/silly thing the kids have said each day. Or just something you heard/saw that day that made you laugh.

My grandad did this secretly in a Dick Francis book for my dad when he was very poorly. He wrote in very small handwriting between the lines so my grandmother wouldn't read it - he knew my dad loved the author, so would want the book.

My dad found it when he was sorting through his things and it's one of his most treasured possessions.

How about making them each a memory box.

In it you can put photos from when they were younger, write them letters put in an item you want them to have, put perfume on s tissue and a angel then over the next year you and your child could add to it.

You can just get a simple box from the works and paint it or buy all the items and make it something you all do together. Include something with your finger prints on that way they can hold it in the same place and it’s like touching you.

Good luck, l have a friend who has weeks left and she has young children it’s just not fair.