Having a third child

[threesacrowd3333]

Have NCed as people who know me irl frequent these parts

So, a third child. Obviously I’ve read all of the myriad mumsnet threads on whether to go for it or not. But wanted some perspective on my particular situation.

I have 2 babies, a boy and a girl. DS coming up to 3, DD 9mo. Am starting to think perhaps I want a 3rd. I am one of 4 and DH one of 3 and having two babies seems almost too perfect and calm (!). But then I hesitate because I wonder if three would tip us over the edge - particularly the baby years. Basically I’m not that fond of the newborn/baby stage - I have no desire to be pregnant again and the first 6 months would
be something to be endured rather than a positive. But the older they get the more I’m just enthralled.

So as far as I see it the pros and cons are

Pros

• financially very secure, can definitely afford a third
• um, another child?! Love the idea of having a pack of children

Cons

• Both dh and I have pretty full on, senior, professional jobs. Am worried about having enough time
• being pregnant. I had 2 very rough pregnancies, hyperemesis etc. Not sure how I’d manage another pregnancy at work.
• we have enough space in our house but would have to do a renovation in the next 5 years to create a bit more (basically originally renovated to be a family of 4 as we didn’t intend to have more than 2 kids - doh!)
• I find the baby stage very intense and hard, I have breastfed both kids and am just not myself for the first year or so. Has been very hard on dh and I relationship (just coming through it now with DD)
• related to all of the above, would this screw up my career for good?

What would you do? Thoughts, abuse all welcome.

I'm toying with a 3rd, my youngest is 2.5, ideally I would have done it sooner but he's hard work & only really slept from 2 onwards. I dislike pregnancy & get quite ill. Love the baby stage & don't mind bf, don't like the 1-2 stage. Our car would work but likewise we would need to do renovations on the house. We could afford it but it does make a difference re holidays & days out. I work tto anyway.

I'm one of 3 as is DH & we always wanted at least 3. My mum said 2-3 wasn't any harder but I struggled going from 1-2, but then my no 1 was ridiculously easy.

See @broomzoom I have the opposite - my no 1 was hard (still sleeping unreliable at almost 3), no 2 has been a breeze (sleeping through at 6 weeks, the most content little thing ever). If I could guarantee another like no 2 I would definitely do it!

Well your con list is a lot longer than the pro list so for that reason I would say no!

It sounds like a third could be the tipping point for you and you should never underestimate the toll another baby can have on your mental health, career and relationship.

You would also have three under 5 - that is VERY tough. I wouldn't know personally as I just have one but if the friends and family I know with three - they are all run ragged.

OP you sound just like me! Two DCs, demanding jobs, and my list is basically the same as yours. DC1 was colicky and a horrible sleeper, DC2 was a dream baby, so I dread how I would cope with 3 children if the next was as difficult as my first. And our marriage definitely suffered during my second pregnancy and DC2 newborn months.

But I love the idea of three adult children to have relationships with. However so far I don't love it enough to do it all again!

Ha, dh says if we can have another like DC1 he would do it tmw, however judging from other people's children dc2 is the norm & dc1 is the anomaly. I need to decide soon though otherwise the gap will be too big.

One pro I have is that both my mum & mil are close (10 min walk & 10 min drive) & hands on. I'm off for half term but dc2 is at the childminder today & dc1 is staying at my mums for a couple of days. I should be utilising my time instead of dicking about on MN!

Wait until your DS turns 3 😑 3-4 has been by far the worst stage for mine.

Otherwise, following. I have two boys age 3.9 and 8 months, and don't feel done. Despite this year having been mainly hell (due to anxiety and DS1, not DS2, who although can be high maintenance, is lovely).

Just look at the bigger picture, as you will always forget the temporarily difficult stages. And will you regret not having the third?

My advice (and this is my advice to myself!) is to wait until your baby is maybe 18 months to two. See how you feel then. If you still want a third, go for it.

DD1 was very easy going for the first 3.5 years and since then has been really quite clingy and in need of a lot more time and attention. She also often wakes at night which she never used to do (she is now 4.5). I misjudged how much attention she would need and now stretched for it I would be with DC4 (newborn).

You've listed way more negatives than positives there.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the gap: I have some friends with 4 children spaced every 2 years; one with 2 children 2 years apart, then a 6 year gap, and another 2 children 2 years apart.

I have 15, 13 and 7 year olds. I was a SAHM, and whilst I enjoyed it on one hand, I found it absolutely drained me on the other. I could not contemplate having a 3rd. And then DC2 started reception and I realised I wasn’t done.

I am one of 2, DH is one of 3, and I have always loved the feel of his bigger family. Sadly, I miscarried at 13 weeks, so the gap is 6 and 8 years rather than 5 and 7, but we’ve really enjoyed dc3 as a family. It has kept us all ‘young’ - the older 2 still get up and do stockings from Father Christmas with dc3 at 5.30 in the morning instead of the usual teen lie in 😉.

I do not have a ‘proper’ career as such anymore now, (was a childminder and now TA) though, so I appreciate I have not had to factor in maternity leave/ nursery fees on my career, which makes a difference.

I mean, there are more negatives but I haven’t exactly listed out all the positives of another child - feeling like we have a tribe not a unit, another human being to love, another human beings for my kids to love etc etc.

I guess I’m less worried about the gap then about the sense that 3 is a tipping point. Or is that just because we are so conditioned to see 2 kids as the default number? I don’t know.

We have 3 - 19, 17 and 12. Its definitely been harder juggling family and work and that juggling hasn’t gone away as they’ve got older just different demands. They are all so different I wouldn’t be without any of them but DC2 and 3 bicker all the time so the dynamics don’t always work out.

I think the desire to have a tribe, another child to love etc will ultimately sway your decision.

@QuietWalk that’s sort of my starting point. But wondering if that desire is enough, really. I mean, I don’t think it would be worth it if it wrecked my career, tipped us over the edge as a family etc. But how to figure that out?

We also have 3. No 3 was the hardest until about 8. Since then he's been the easiest by far (he's 21 now). We love having three DC. It stops the one DC:one parent which I've often seen in my friend/family circle; it often seems that one parent is closer to a particular child. Only one DB has three. Nearly everyone else I know of my generation only has two.

Only you can decide whether you really are ready to have another child. From your OP it would seem that you aren't, but often logic and reason doesn't play that big a part when having DC .

Hate to be the voice of doom but I'd factor is any "worse case scenarios"

My unplanned DC3 has a rare, life changing for us all genetic condition and its thrown my life into complete chaos.

Adore DC3, but they will never live independently and will be with me, as long as I am alive.

Think long term. Even once the newborn stage is done there are hard roads still ahead.
The costs can really ramp up the older they get: extra curricular stuff, music lessons, hobbies, school trips (sometimes abroad), not to mention keeping them all clothed and fed.

And as they age they need a lot of time and attention. You need to be sure you can both be available.
It’s a huge responsibility. It’s a life long undertaking.
I’m not trying to put you off. Not at all. But I have 4, the oldest is 10 and I am really feeling the heavy weight of the responsibility I have to carry. For the rest of my life. Don’t underestimate how hard it can be, even after the baby/toddler years.

I have three DC with 4.5 years from first to last. I adore them all but number three has essentially been the end of my career and sanity. Two seems ridiculously easy in comparison, especially as they get older. Don’t underestimate what ‘just one more’ means!

Would your DM and MIL be happy to look after 3 under 5?

Teenagers aren’t cheap, and also demand your time.

If you both have demanding jobs how much time do you give your current DC, how much could you give another child?

Would you manage if the third had special needs?

I would give your self more time - they don't have to be that close. Our three are more spread out and life is manageable. But of us had to make career sacrifice as we didn't want to work to pay for childcare

@MrsFotheringill see this is what I’m worried about! Can you say more? Am curious as to why 2-3 does push families over the edge.

I’m not concerned about having a child with disabilities etc - if that happened of course our world would turn upside down and we would just have to get on with it. I don’t doubt we would love another baby regardless of any additional needs (not to minimise how tough it would be). Similarly we are very comfortably off, adding another set of costs is not at all an issue for us.

We don’t have any family nearby.

My concerns are more around having some semblance of a life and relationship myself. And having to do pregnancy/the baby phase again - really not enamoured of that idea.

My third is 9 months old. I’m like you in that I find pregnancy and the first 6 months tough and not particularly enjoyable. I didn’t really want another baby, but I did want another member of our family.
It has been tough, in the same way that I think having any baby is tough. However 2-3 hasn’t been any worse for us that 0-1 was, or 1-2 (that was hardest for me). It does help that DD2 started school in September (my eldest are 5 and 4).
Both DD’s adore the baby and I couldn’t really imagine family life without him now.
Getting someone to look after all three of them is a genuine issue though!

Just two words - teenage years:

Expense
Friendship issues
Relationship issues
GCSEs
A levels
UCAS applications
University funding