Having a third child

[threesacrowd3333]

Have NCed as people who know me irl frequent these parts

So, a third child. Obviously I’ve read all of the myriad mumsnet threads on whether to go for it or not. But wanted some perspective on my particular situation.

I have 2 babies, a boy and a girl. DS coming up to 3, DD 9mo. Am starting to think perhaps I want a 3rd. I am one of 4 and DH one of 3 and having two babies seems almost too perfect and calm (!). But then I hesitate because I wonder if three would tip us over the edge - particularly the baby years. Basically I’m not that fond of the newborn/baby stage - I have no desire to be pregnant again and the first 6 months would
be something to be endured rather than a positive. But the older they get the more I’m just enthralled.

So as far as I see it the pros and cons are

Pros

• financially very secure, can definitely afford a third
• um, another child?! Love the idea of having a pack of children

Cons

• Both dh and I have pretty full on, senior, professional jobs. Am worried about having enough time
• being pregnant. I had 2 very rough pregnancies, hyperemesis etc. Not sure how I’d manage another pregnancy at work.
• we have enough space in our house but would have to do a renovation in the next 5 years to create a bit more (basically originally renovated to be a family of 4 as we didn’t intend to have more than 2 kids - doh!)
• I find the baby stage very intense and hard, I have breastfed both kids and am just not myself for the first year or so. Has been very hard on dh and I relationship (just coming through it now with DD)
• related to all of the above, would this screw up my career for good?

What would you do? Thoughts, abuse all welcome.

My first two slept. DC3 didn't and still doesn't, so be prepared for that too (naively, I was not!)

That probably makes a difference. My first didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3.5 and I only had a 19 month age gap so had two horrific sleepers at the same time, so was completely prepared for the sleep deprivation of number three. Means it wasn’t much different adding a third into the mix in terms of sleep!

We had very similar age gaps to you BellatrixLestat... 19 months between 1 and 2 then 3.5 years between 2 and 3. I found the 3.5 year age gap far easier to manage!

*SoyDora
*
I think a lot of it is to do with the fact I'd gotten 'away' from the baby stage by the time DC3 was born. No more nappies, no potty training. Both DCs were pretty independent and doing things for themselves, so to then go back to the baby stage I think I found a massive shock. The small age gap I found easier because I was already used to doing it. But then, they were good sleepers and it does make all the difference!

I think the sleeping does make a difference. My first two were such horrific sleepers that the age gap was hard.
My first two are extremely independent so that’s why I find the 3.5 year age gap easier. DD2 was dry day and night before she was 2, dressing herself fully by 2.5 etc so when number 3 came along it felt much easier than having two requiring a higher level of care at the same time (nappy changes etc).

Gosh. Thank you all for your stories (good and bad!)

DS at age almost-3 is only just starting to sleep reliably through the night. Although his baby sister being born set him back about 6 months I feel. But I wouldn’t describe him as ever being a “terrible” sleeper - not like some that I read about on here who wake up 5+ times a night etc. Mine only ever woke twice a night even as newborns. (It’s just DS kept waking twice a night....). And have just contemplated the horror of solo bedtime with 3 😱

I think on reflection I am most worried about my career. I am so much better when I’m doing something productive at work. But I am equally not prepared to outsource absolutely everything / be a 15min a day parent. I shall think about it further...

Oh and I don’t think I could survive an 18mo gap even if I was able to do that (am still breastfeeding and after DS my period didn’t come back for 14 months). I’ve had 2 emergency sections so would want to wait for at least a year minimum. Was sort of vaguely thinking of either trying for another 2 year gap or waiting another year for DS to start school in Sep 2021. Downside to that is I am getting old...will be 39 in 2021....

In your shoes I would put it on the back burner for now. I have x5, mine are 28, 26, 18, 13, 8. Someone always needs something! I think something would have to give if you had a third now and ime that would probably be you, or your career. I believe I’ve managed a large family because I do not have a career, I’ve always worked and had about 10/12 months maternity leave each time, but I’ve only ever really had ‘a job’. And they have almost all been jobs that involve little stress, extremely short commutes, and no taking home work. I’m not sure I would want the job and hours you describe and 3 under 5’s. t sounds like it would be a lot of work and not much fun for several years. Also number 3 could be a little shit 😁 I’ve seen it a lot! A good proportion of parents get a whirlwind for no 3.

You are never going to get an unbiased answer here. Everyone with three or more will say do it, and everyone who felt done after one or two will say don't. Some women are simply more maternal and broody than others.

And some of us are the other side of teenage years and are saying definitely don't do it

Would you have a Nanny

Three little ones aren't exactly conducive with your career I'm guessing??

I'm guessing you are young ish

I had a 3rd and I dont regret. Cant imagine life without him. Yes a 3rd obviously is more work but the benefits far outweigh the negatives. I wouldn't have been in as good a position as you financially either. Career wise it didnt affect it. I have a local lady come to the house and that helps. I'm in a senior position too at work.
It's not something anyone else can answer for you though. For me personally I'm so glad I went ahead

I just wrote a long reply to this and deleted it all. My experience (I have 3 and love it) isn’t relevant to you. It’s totally personal - only you can make the decision.

FWIW, I always knew I wanted 3, but there was a point I thought we might not even manage 2 (multiple mcs) and if we’d stopped after 2 I’d still have felt incredibly lucky with my lot. But I used to look at my 2, round the dinner table or whatever, and feel like there was someone missing. I know if we hadn’t had the third I’d have been so happy with what I had, but I’d always have felt that little gap where someone should have been - I never quite felt ‘done’. The minute the third was born it was like a switch flicked and I knew I wouldn’t have any more. She filled the gap; I can’t imagine life without her. It was pretty heart over head (although obviously the logistics checked out) but I’m so very very glad we went for it.

Difficult one. I had two and always had a pang for a third. We ummed and hahd about it. We had similar factors as the OP. Both in well paid senior jobs. Financially well secure and whilst a third pregnancy would be I convenient it was manageable from a career point of view. One factor against was risk. Our two are health easy and I suppose by some comparisons a dream. My fear was seeing how many kids these days have some sort of special needs, ie ASD, ADHD and other learning disabilities. A friend who was a teacher was saying that 25% of her class children had some sort of special needs, but apparently not all diagnosed, more parental decision that they did so not sure what is behind it. DH and I thought we were lucky with what we have and just be content

I can't deny though that I still have a nigling doubt that we should have gone for it but as ours get older it fades.

SouDora I totally see where you're coming from with the gaps, now that I've done a 3.2 year gap, I agree less is easier sometimes! DS2 was perfectly planned as we wanted a 3 year gap and to avoid Christmas as DS1 has a Christmas time birthday. I was convinced it would make it easier - at 3 children are more independent etc.

And yes while this much is true (DS1 was potty trained well before DS2 was born, he's very verbal so instructions etc make life a bit easier, he's relatively reliable walking/in supermarkets etc so I don't need to have a vice like grip on his hand whilst pushing a pushchair too). But on the flip side, their needs are too different. DS2 essentially spends a lot of his time fitting in with DS1's routine and I'm constantly trying to keep the older one entertained (he needs lots of activity) whilst also having a baby too.

If I was to go for a third, I would plan a 2.5 ish year gap I think.

Just re-read your post and now see you think a bigger gap is easier facepalm.

@FourForYouGlenCoco I think you’re probably right. And I don’t feel done. I just feel like I should feel done.

@MarthasGinYard we have a nanny already. Am guessing I’d have to get at least a second mother’s help (? How does it work with three?), at least until my oldest goes to school. And I am definitely not young.

Will continue to ponder. All hypothetical right now until my period returns anyway, I suppose.

I'm 39, 8 months pregnant with my third baby and my other two kids are 2 and 4.

My list was very much like yours, I don't really enjoy the baby stage and am expecting a really tough couple of years ahead. But ultimately, when I pictured our family I pictured three children and I wanted a little gang. There will be financial sacrifices of course, but I didn't want to look around the table in ten years time and feel like someone was missing because I fancied a week abroad every year,

For me, I'll admit that my heart won over my head. I will say though that this has been my toughest pregnancy by an absolute country mile. Nothing health wise, just the sheer grind of being pregnant and having two young kids.

Personally I wanted the gap small, there will be 4.5 years between my oldest and youngest and that seems quite a big gap - I didn't want it any bigger.

Only you can decide what's right for you, I'm hoping I've made the right choice!

You are never going to get an unbiased answer here. Everyone with three or more will say do it, and everyone who felt done after one or two will say don't. Some women are simply more maternal and broody than others.

And some of us are the other side of teenage years and are saying definitely don't do it

I agree you will only ever get the opinions of other individuals and never a consensus, however I say 3 is a great number and I would definitely NOT consider myself broody nor maternal.
Mine are 23, 21 and 18 and I'm on the side of "listen to your heart".

Am now at the stage where I'm glad - purely by luck as fees weren't even a thing when they were born - that mine are 3 school years apart in terms of supporting them at University, but, I remember working with a friend, when mine were babies, who said having them close was the best thing as you went through all the 'stages' at the same time - sleepness nights / not going anywhere without a pram bag and a pushchair, through things like cubs or whatever they go to. I do think she must have had more energy than me though as I liked the fact that one of mine left cubs before the next one started, etc etc.

I never felt "done" at two but my ex-husband certainly did (although he refused a vasectomy so we stopped having sex, hr didn't trust the pill).

Now divorced and expecting my third with fiancé (his first).

I'm 39 next month and we decided that if we didn't start trying we might be too late. GP said not to worry if it took a little while to fall and agreed that if we were serious it was probably sensible not to wait much longer. I fell on our first month of trying after an early mc - so it kind of happened quicker than we expected!

Not sure how my boys are going to react as they're 9 and 12!!

I think pregnancy is harder at 39 than it was as 29 but also I'm working ft which I think has an effect!

Same here with terrible pregnancies, HG and SPD. However, wanted that third child.

Two was a piece of piss, I have to say. And 3 was so much harder. Probably because DC3 was just so much harder. He BF for 2 and a half years, didn't sleep through until 3 and a half, teething has been the worst I've ever seen, he's been in agony, also problems with colic/digestion, tantrums have been unbelievable in toddlerhood. Despite doing all the super nanny techniques and reading up, implementing boundaries etc etc it hasn't worked, and he has been so challenging to the point both DH and I were so incredibly stressed and unhappy.

It's busy, chaotic, messy, loud, crazy and tiring.

BUT. No regrets here, because I'm so happy with my 3 amazing beautiful children. I feel very very lucky indeed. And he's turning a corner now that he's almost 4.

Oh god @gluteustothemaximus DS is in that challenging stage now. Wine for you!

Thank you all for your thoughts 🙏

Be happy with what you have .

Am curious as to why 2-3 does push families over the edge
We have 4 and number 3 was the game changer. You go from being in control to never ever being in control. Y olive 2 hands and 3 children, one will always act up at the worst time so you carry one, hold the others hand and the third' s hand in the same hand! Its chaotic but amazing and brilliant. Ds3 was also the first time we ever noticed money-f o r everything out there is 2 adults 2 children and then you're adding a 3rd. You're also a LOT MORE TIRED and that was when my back etc started going. I think in your guy you probably know what you want, go with that but the only thing I'd contest is your tribe analogy. You have a tribe right now, one child/one partner/one dog/one friend/All of it can be a tribe (my friend has one and is having difficulty with a second and I had to gently remind her of this as she kept telling me how lucky I am to have a family, I had to remind her she has one too!!!

I would do it. I have two girls. And I want another. However I nearly died in both my pregnancies from incredibly rare conditions which have left life long health issues. The dr advised me not to have another one

So yes. I wish I could have another. My friend has 11. She’s awesome. I love their house

So far number 3 hasn’t pushed us over the edge. 1-2 nearly broke me.

I was in a similar position, eldest boy very hard. Second girl easy. Professional ( but part time) job. Could easily afford a third.
We went for it and don't regret our decision. Our third boy is a joy. The baby stage hasn't been too hard this time. I found pregnancy tough. I have found going back to work this time and that is only part time. It is hard to be focused on my career. My heart isn't in it the same. Once you add school into the mix and the myriad of activities they all start doing it gets tougher. Still going at the moment ( kids are 6,4 and 1 and a half) but for how much longer I am not sure. I have the financial freedom as dh earns a lot, to give up work though and that is my comfort blanched and I am lucky to be in that position. I think a full time job would three would be too much. The children would suffer.

I always thought I’d have two (I’m one of two) but after ds2 was born, I felt as though someone was still missing. We waited over 3 years to check, but had ds3 just before ds2 turned 4.

I got lost in the undertow of having a baby with both the older boys, it took me about a year to feel myself again each time. With ds3 it took about two years. I was a sahm until he was about 2.5 and then worked very part time (6 hours a week!). Having three is hard work, although it is also a joy. They are 16,14 & 10 now and it is mostly mentally hard work rather than physical. 3 is definitely our magic number, DH had a vasectomy before ds3 was 10 weeks old.

The gap between ds2&3 and the fact that ds3 has autism means we often take a divide and conquer approach to family time. I do have friends with 2 who have to do this too though. We used teenagers to babysit and resigned ourselves to not going out until ds3 was asleep. My mum would take them all for me and was amazing when I went back to work more fully 6 years ago. Do think about childcare, as it sounds like you’ll need a lot of it. Once they start school, you’ve got 13 weeks of holiday to cover, along with all the school stuff (assemblies, look at the books afternoons).

Good luck with your decision.