Having a third child

[threesacrowd3333]

Have NCed as people who know me irl frequent these parts

So, a third child. Obviously I’ve read all of the myriad mumsnet threads on whether to go for it or not. But wanted some perspective on my particular situation.

I have 2 babies, a boy and a girl. DS coming up to 3, DD 9mo. Am starting to think perhaps I want a 3rd. I am one of 4 and DH one of 3 and having two babies seems almost too perfect and calm (!). But then I hesitate because I wonder if three would tip us over the edge - particularly the baby years. Basically I’m not that fond of the newborn/baby stage - I have no desire to be pregnant again and the first 6 months would
be something to be endured rather than a positive. But the older they get the more I’m just enthralled.

So as far as I see it the pros and cons are

Pros

• financially very secure, can definitely afford a third
• um, another child?! Love the idea of having a pack of children

Cons

• Both dh and I have pretty full on, senior, professional jobs. Am worried about having enough time
• being pregnant. I had 2 very rough pregnancies, hyperemesis etc. Not sure how I’d manage another pregnancy at work.
• we have enough space in our house but would have to do a renovation in the next 5 years to create a bit more (basically originally renovated to be a family of 4 as we didn’t intend to have more than 2 kids - doh!)
• I find the baby stage very intense and hard, I have breastfed both kids and am just not myself for the first year or so. Has been very hard on dh and I relationship (just coming through it now with DD)
• related to all of the above, would this screw up my career for good?

What would you do? Thoughts, abuse all welcome.

I have 2, 18 month gap and now 5&7. I had a pang for a third and couldn't shake it for a while, dh was undecided too, we went back and forth for around a year or two and decided last year nope, we're happy, lucky and couldn't face going back to the baby years and potentially struggling to give them all the attention they need. Youngest is Deaf so that made the decision a little more complex, but ultimately I'm so glad we didn't.

We wouldn't have regretted a third and they'd be loved and wanted and we have everything we'd need practically, but dc are now at a fab age where we can easily go away for the weekend, jump in the car and not worry about changing bags and routines, they play together, learn together, have friends round without a second thought, take them anywhere as they both have my hand for the roads, can drop them with gps for the night, have time to read to them before bed if it's one of us putting them down. We can handle the education/health side of youngest without being too scatty we have a fair few appointments and meetings and life is just generally so much better than it was when they were both younger. They both have clubs in the week and that can get manic so adding a third set of clubs would tip me over the edge.

But that's our experience, dc are both crazy so doesn't seem quiet unless we're having a movie night! But every family is different, I have a friend with dc the same ages as mine who had her third 18 months ago and she loves the chaos, and it really is chaos!

Oh I forgot to add had to give up work after number 3 was nearly 2. Childcare was costing us my wage and more

I’ve really enjoyed my 3rd. 1st baby I didn’t have a clue, 2nd I had 2 under 2 which was hell. 3rd time around older children are in school (reception and y2) and It’s me and the baby during the day. It’s lovely to see the older 2 interact with the baby and it feels like my family is complete.

I think I want a 3rd. In fact, I feel more desperate for a 3rd after DC2 (still a baby) than I did for a 2nd after DC1. It won’t happen for a while if it does because I won’t until DC2 is well into toddlerhood so we have a while to decide.

It’s very hard though because of time, money (despite being comfortable), space.

I’ve not been lucky enough yet to have an easy baby and I’m not expecting DC2 to sleep well-is until gone 3 like DC1. In fact, I weirdly find a lot of days incredibly hard but it doesn’t take away the need for a third. So perhaps it’s just hormones. I’m hoping over the next year or so it becomes clear.

When you have 3 you're outnumbered.
The practicality of taking 3 on holiday, taking a friend home, having a 7 seater as you can't get all the car seats in the back of a regular car.
And you are at the easy part of parenting. 3 and under is the easy part imo even if you do have 2 of them.

Napssavelives my experience is exactly the same as yours. 1st was hard as I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. 2 under 2 was horrific. My third, with my older 2 at school, is pleasant!

@Napssavelives @SoyDora this gives me hope! Dh and I always liked the idea of 3. Currently have 2 (2 and 1) and second time round was literally hell. If I had known then what I know now I would not have done 2 under 2. My mental health has suffered immensely. I still feel our family isn't completed, but I really cannot have 2 or more at home again it nearly killed our marriage.

I always thought I'd like all a small gap, but now I'm realising having the elder ones at school will be much easier. And once they are all grown up a 5/6/7 year gap isn't much at all.

I had basically the same lists as you and we went ahead and did it. Dc3 will be 2 in November.

People often ask me if they should go for a third and I would say that whatever your pros and cons are now they will still be the same once you have the baby. So for us the positives are very very real- that feeling of joy and abundance and a big family/part atmosphere/ another person to love etc. My heart genuinely swells with pride to see the three of them together and I love family meals etc which always feel like a party. This has become much more true in the last 6 months or so as the baby stage passed and we are emerging from the hole.

But- it also nearly broke us.the sleep has been beyond horrendous. There is absolutely zero downtime. With 2 kids there is occasionally a moment when they are both occupied/napping etc and you can put your feet up. With three that almost never happens. The big ones fight brutally with each other and that got way way worse after the third came along as it was two sets of jealousy and they took it outoneach ither. They both became way more challenging and attention seeking when the baby came along. DH and I are sleep deprived and our patience is thin.

So overall it is starting to get easier but it's not like as soon as the baby is born your dilemma is settled. Both the good and the bad of what you want and fear are true. Ultimately it's not a rational decision that you can game out and comes down to the heart wants what it wants