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Original poster

Having a third child

83 replies

threesacrowd3333 · 21/10/2019 08:43

Have NCed as people who know me irl frequent these parts

So, a third child. Obviously I’ve read all of the myriad mumsnet threads on whether to go for it or not. But wanted some perspective on my particular situation.

I have 2 babies, a boy and a girl. DS coming up to 3, DD 9mo. Am starting to think perhaps I want a 3rd. I am one of 4 and DH one of 3 and having two babies seems almost too perfect and calm (!). But then I hesitate because I wonder if three would tip us over the edge - particularly the baby years. Basically I’m not that fond of the newborn/baby stage - I have no desire to be pregnant again and the first 6 months would
be something to be endured rather than a positive. But the older they get the more I’m just enthralled.

So as far as I see it the pros and cons are

Pros

  • financially very secure, can definitely afford a third
  • um, another child?! Love the idea of having a pack of children

Cons

  • Both dh and I have pretty full on, senior, professional jobs. Am worried about having enough time
  • being pregnant. I had 2 very rough pregnancies, hyperemesis etc. Not sure how I’d manage another pregnancy at work.
  • we have enough space in our house but would have to do a renovation in the next 5 years to create a bit more (basically originally renovated to be a family of 4 as we didn’t intend to have more than 2 kids - doh!)
  • I find the baby stage very intense and hard, I have breastfed both kids and am just not myself for the first year or so. Has been very hard on dh and I relationship (just coming through it now with DD)
  • related to all of the above, would this screw up my career for good?

What would you do? Thoughts, abuse all welcome.

OP posts:
MrsFotheringill · 24/10/2019 20:58

I’m not sure why the third has made such a difference tbh. The older two are now 6 and 7 and they’re pretty easy, but the youngest one is three. I’m sorry I’m a bit negative about it all at the moment, I’m currently planning to give up work, something has had to give. It’s also significantly harder to get childcare / babysitters for three, days out are hard to please everyone (even with ours being pretty close in age). When you have one / two in school and another in nursery after a day of work just collecting them all and getting them home can be hard work! Obviously coupled with various drop offs before getting to work at a decent time. It’s exhausting.
Having said all that though, if you really want a third then go for it, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Roselilly36 · 24/10/2019 20:59

I would do it OP if I was in your shoes, you have considered the options carefully. You may well regret it if you don’t. Good luck with whatever you decide.

eachbeach · 24/10/2019 21:03

Hi OP,

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
QuietlyLurkingintheCorner · 24/10/2019 21:04

There is no logical reason to have a third child. You hear people say, oh once you've got two it makes no difference but it does. Every child creates work. The more you have the harder it is.

BUT I would say don't think about how having another baby would be, think about how NOT having one would be. That's what decided it for me. I had 2 close together, hated pregnancy, terrible birth experiences, and although I didn't recognize it at the time, PND with both. We live in a smallish flat, no family nearby and one income. I tried to picture the future with just the 4 of us and couldn't. I just felt like there was someone missing. They are 9,7 and 2 now and it's crazy but it just feels right. Probably helps that having my youngest DD was a completely different experience though.

StinkGhoul · 24/10/2019 21:04

In your position I would. DH and I have been talking about this a lot recently. Our twins recently turned 3.

However, there are massive concerns. Both of our twins are autistic and one has multiple other disabilities. The chance of us having another autistic child is verh high. The chance of having more twins is higher. I fear we are thinking about it for the wrong reasons as we’ve had very atypical experiences of parenting so far.

Yet a massive part of me wants another baby and I’m struggling.

We are talking about adoption, possibly a slightly older child, similar age to the twins, although this is of course comes with its own challenges. That would skip out the baby phase and the pregnancy issues, if it’s something you’d consider. Obviously it’s not for everyone.

MinecraftMother · 24/10/2019 21:06

It'll be a mistake.

SoyDora · 24/10/2019 21:08

It'll be a mistake

Why?

DialANumber · 24/10/2019 21:13

We had very somialr conversations. DH and I both came from larger families and 2 just seemed so neat and calm it didn't quite feel right!

That said, we had 2 under 2 and it was such hard work and we didn't really enjoy the early years so for a while we thought that would be it. Once dc2 started school we had a bit more head's pace and knew we would regret it if we didn't go for it.

Dc3 has been the making of our family. The older ones have had a brilliant time getting to be little longer and now the baby days are past we're up and running on days out and holidays etc.

I took longer out of work for dc3, went back on staggered return and was pt for 2 years due to childcare etc but I loved it. I'm now back working ft and have got back on a good career path.

I am so so glad we made the decision we did but I don't think we would have enjoyed doing it with much smaller gaps.

The finances of 3 are somehow v different to 2 but we're managing so far, and I love looking to the future with a busy home :)

mintcorneto · 24/10/2019 21:15

I think the fact you are even posting it on here shows you do want one and even though there are negatives, you would always regret not having a third

eachbeach · 24/10/2019 21:15

Oops fat fingers! So I am in almost the exact same position as you. We're both in quite challenging professional roles, financially Good, had a DD and DS. The only differences is we went ahead and had DS2. Ours are each about two years apart.

On the positives, he simply fits in. It is much easier than the step up from one to two and he is this lovely sunny thing and he completes our family. Yes it is harder work but I see that getting less over time (he's a year), but it's hard work in that he doesn't walk but hates being in the buggy, still needs slightly different food, naps etc but it will be different again in a few months. We love the dynamic and that it was absolutely the right decision for our family.

On the downsides, my career which I worked so hard to build up has taken a real knock, I'm not yet sure it's terminal. In part this was just really bad timing with some changes in my business area but also I am being taken less seriously - I get the strong sense people think I should just be grateful for having any job. Also, just after having him we found out that one of our children has some learning difficulties. School is a challenge and we shall probably try and keep her in the private sector. The cost of childcare and school fees is OK at the moment but it does weigh in me. I think that the other two would be OK in state education but it feels unfair to them. Upshot is we won't be going in nice holidays any time soon, but that's OK as it's impossible to find a room for 5 anyway !!

DilysMoon · 24/10/2019 21:19

I would leave it a while OP and see how you find it as they get older, start school etc. I found the baby and toddler bit ok, imo it doesn't get easier as they get older, the issues just change.

My 3 are 14, 11 and 5. Dc3 has been a dream, the easiest of the 3 but it is still massively harder than having 2. I'm a sahm and I still struggle to give them the individual time they need. They always seem to want me at the same time it's like having 3 puppies jumping up for attention at once!

You're still early days. When they start school it doesn't get easier, supporting with homework, reading, after school clubs, parties, parents evenings and school stuff, friendship issues all multiplied by 3. It's full on and I felt like I had no headspace for me for a long time.
and that's without me working. It's a lot easier now they're all at school and I'm trying to get back to work now.

Having said all that I always wanted 3 and do love having 3 but it is a massive change from 2.

RainMinusBow · 24/10/2019 21:21

I'm expecting my third but have such a gap in ages (first baby for fiancé) that we will have to hope it all works out OK! My boys will be 10 and almost 13 when/if baby is born (I'm only almost 9 weeks) Confused

missmouse101 · 24/10/2019 21:30

I wouldn't in a million years. The planet doesn't need more people. Your setup works perfectly. Why the hell do you want to make life much harder for yourself?

Whatdayisit2 · 24/10/2019 21:31

I have three. It is noisy, chaotic, exhausting and lovely. Do it!!

Avenilson · 24/10/2019 21:46

It is a large change from two, but in my opinion the positives far outweigh the negatives (but then I couldn't imagine life without my third). It is costly, it can be draining and feels like being stuck on repeat, the potty training, the feeding, the sleeping all over again and it's hard to get a babysitter for 3. But if you do it sooner rather than later (like in the next 2 years) you still have all the baby equipment, you are still in that mode of younger children, you still remember all the tricks and my middle child and youngest are the same sex, close in age and have a brilliant time together; all three make their own fun together as there is only a couple of years between each.

The third was also by far the easiest baby as maybe I was more relaxed. My first was the stuff of nightmares, the second was fine, but for whatever reason, this one felt easy; even with growing up stuff like homework, friendships, parties, classes, I know what not to waste energy on or get bothered about. This is only my perspective and I know everyone is different, but I just thought I'd share the positive with you.

BackforGood · 24/10/2019 22:10

I'm one of 4 and dh is one of 3.
3 dc seems very normal to us.
We have 3 - our youngest is now 18. I've loved it I've enjoyed dc 3 in many ways more than 1 or 2. I've relaxed so much more, and realised that things I stressed about with dc1 really weren't such a big deal.

I'm no fan of pregnancy nor the first 9 months or so of life, but see it as the couple of years that need to happen, to get to the next 50 or 60 years of parenting and of being a family.

You can't always look "logically" at having dc. If you did, then most of us would never even have our first, to begin with.

We have no regrets.

Tweetingmagpie · 24/10/2019 22:15

I’ve got 7! So I would say 3 is easy peasy Grin

stophuggingme · 24/10/2019 22:18

We have three. A just over five and a half year old, a just over three and a half year old and a two in two weeks year old.
Bloody hard going as you can imagine.
But they are absolutely wonderful and the joy of bringing them up together far outweighs the hard, stressful bits of which there are several . I look at the three of them larking around or cuddling up in their pjs and my heart swells. They have an amazing affinity and love for each other they are their own little team.

MissMatchedClaws · 24/10/2019 22:21

I think the ‘easy’ number is yours ( whatever that is) minus 1.
I have three.
They are wonderful, I wouldn’t be without any of them.
I have a professional career.
On paper, the career is ok. But I know how far I am from where I ‘should’ be.
I think with three (or more), something has to give.
What it is, is your decision. To some extent.

BetterAlone · 24/10/2019 22:24

Best thing I ever did.

Sotiredbutcannotsleep · 24/10/2019 22:31

I found it really hard to go from one to two (trying to juggle a toddler's and baby's needs) but by the time third one arrived I was already used to juggling so they fitted right in and they've actually been the easiest child to deal with.

Oly4 · 24/10/2019 22:31

I have 3 and also hate pregnancy, breastfeeding all night, no sleep etc etc. I could have written a cons list as long as yours. But you know what? The cons don’t matter because we simply knew we wanted a third child and that we wouldn’t feel complete until we had one.
We LOVE being a family of five. Yes it’s hard but we adore them all and we wouldn’t change a thing. Absolutely no regrets. The bonus is the youngest has just started sleeping.
I’m so glad I ignored questions over whether it was “practical” and just followed our dream to have a bigger family

Oly4 · 24/10/2019 22:32

Ps I also have a career

Couchpotato3 · 24/10/2019 22:38

How old are you? Can you afford to wait a while and get the eldest into school at least before having a third? I had quite a gap between 2 and 3 and it made things a LOT easier to have 2 of them in school and just the baby to deal with during the day.

BellatrixLestat · 24/10/2019 22:43

My third just turned one. It's bloody hard work OP. Like, seriously. Two seems like an absolute doddle now! He was planned and I don't regret it by any means but it's way, way, way more intense than two. I don't enjoy the baby stage either. My first two slept. DC3 didn't and still doesn't, so be prepared for that too (naively, I was not!).

Controversially perhaps, If you do go for it I'd do it soon. I would highly recommend a small age gap. DC1 and DC2 have an 18 month gap and honestly now I have DC3 (3.5 year gap after DC2) it's a godsend. They do everything together and have the same routine, same food etc so it makes having 3 a lot easier! I'm finding the 3.5 year age gap much mor difficult to manage.