Christmas quandary no invite this year for grandparents.

[justasking111]

As grandparents we have been expected to visit one or other of the children and their little ones for the last few years. One DIL is assuming we are going to the other DIL this year she is having her own family over.

The thing is we have not been invited to the other DILs. So should we just crack on and do our own little xmas. OH will be upset, so I am keeping this under my hat, but it is going to come to a head eventually.

What would you do to avert bad feelings.

..... pressed send by mistake

.... you wouldn't want them to feel they had to invite you. Much better than say you didn't think you were invited which sounds more like you really expect to be with one of them.

If you have a child at home and will see family in other days and your OH is at home too then surely that's fine too?

Why not ask them if they wanted you to come over as if not you'll order your turkey etc.

They may just want their own little family Christmas, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I really wouldn't ask and put them on the spot.

How you're going to deal with DH being upset when he finds out is a bit over the top. It's normal for families to do their own thing.

Just ask in a conversational manner.
"The shops are full of Christmas stuff! I need to start getting organised. What are your plans this year? Obviously you're always welcome here if you'd like a change"

...and if the worst comes to the worst, have your own alternative Christmas Day. To fit around my daughters' or their partners' commitments, twice I've had Christmas Day at my house on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. It's been fun and their partners particularly enjoy having two Christmases!

And on another thread we’ll have a dil complaining that her mil “only ever talks to dh”

It's interesting OP describes themselves as grandparents when, as a pp says, they are the parents of one dc at home (well unless he's 36!) Your role is surely as parents primarily and grandparents second.

Do your own thing with your child still at home? maybe Christmas treats of theatre, markets and shopping etc?

Sounds like DIL get together and decide who wants you and the first dil has got in there in first by saying she thought you'd be going to other Dil. Do they take it in turns?

We do not discuss one of them to the other, I would have hated it if my MIL had done that

Phoning your son and asking him what he and his family are doing for Christmas is not "discussing the other". For goodness sake, pick up the phone (text/email) and say DS1 and DIL are having DIL's family over for Christmas, so does DS2 and DIL and family have plans or would they like to come to you. You think they don't because of small child paraphernalia - fine, but you can still ask!

Christmas treats of theatre, markets and shopping

You can't do any of that on Christmas Day.

A couple people have referenced the DIL wanting their little family's own Christmas. Please consider that the son might want this as well. My husband loves his mother but doesn't prefer to spend Christmas day with her. We see her another time during the festive season.

I really don't get the problem.

You've got a DH and another DC at home - so have a family Christmas at home You've said you are doing other things with the GCs in the run-up to Christmas so you will be seeing them. Invite them all over after Christmas to give them all their presents etc.

Perhaps your son just wants a Christmas with his own family this year? My Ds will be 18 this year and we have never managed that. Both DH and I have widowed Mums, who don't have other family to spend Christmas Day with. So we have had them every year since DS was born......

I'm that dil that works full time with a dh that works more than full time with 3 am starts etc etc.

We get one day off a week all together which involves more often than not dc activities etcshopping paperwork cleaning etc etc.

Xmas is meant to be a time to relax yet for years I ran around pleasing everyone else and not myself and before you know it your back to work again.

A few years ago we decided (WE)that grandparents were welcome to visit at about 11 am on the day for an hour so we could then get on and enjoy the rest of the day and have no time restrictions or entertaining others.

I can tell you op it's made the world of difference in our home.

It's lovely to see everyone but why does it all have to be on that day??
Why don't you offer to invite them to yours for a Xmas dinner entertained by you at some point over the festive period?

Tell your partner to remember how hard it is with younger children and full time jobs nowadays and he's being unfair to expect to be catered for.

I have this with my mum at times on other occasions.

They want to be there for every little thing and whilst I find it great that they want to I also find it over bearing.
Ask to have the grandchildren on your own and do xmassy things with them in the run up.

Trust me that will help
Loads and mean you get time with them

Oh here we are another thread where the DIL are supposedly in charge of Xmas. My MIL blamed me to for anything xmas related as in her family ‘woman’ deal with that kind of thing. Didn’t seem to think her adult DS had any voice in his own home. In truth it was easier to focus on the DIL than to believe her DS didn’t want to see her on Xmas day. My DH loves Xmas in our house and prefers it being just us. Funny enough I have never spoken to the in-laws about Xmas but to this day am still blamed for anything Xmas related. They have been to our home for Xmas but they hate it as they want us to go them. No idea why you are unable to speak to your own DS or the DIL for the matter and ask what there plans are?

Why don't you ask your son (the one who doesn't have in-laws coming) what their plans are? Even if you don't go for lunch, you can still go for presents/cake etc surely?