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Original poster

Christmas quandary no invite this year for grandparents.

115 replies

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 17:49

As grandparents we have been expected to visit one or other of the children and their little ones for the last few years. One DIL is assuming we are going to the other DIL this year she is having her own family over.

The thing is we have not been invited to the other DILs. So should we just crack on and do our own little xmas. OH will be upset, so I am keeping this under my hat, but it is going to come to a head eventually.

What would you do to avert bad feelings.

OP posts:
Mangoandbroccoli · 14/10/2019 18:54

Even better, if you say it's OH who is going to be upset, ask HIM to ask your sons if they've made plans yet?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 14/10/2019 18:55

AWWW, I feel for you, glad i only got one son. I would invite the other DIL and son to yours for Xmas dinner and if they dont want to or cant come have your own with your Dh and remaining dc.

—make sure yours is the best Christmas though with the best food, drink and fun—

Redglitter · 14/10/2019 19:01

Redglitter If I buy for one family I always buy for the other. So all of them get kids clothes/toys/sweets on the same day. If OH does something for one he does for the other. and so on. We try to keep things fair. We do not discuss one of them to the other, I would have hated it if my MIL had done that

No idea where that reply has come from in relation to my post Confused

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leghairdontcare · 14/10/2019 19:02

if you say it's OH who is going to be upset, ask HIM to ask your sons if they've made plans yet?

You've gone too far, @Mangoandbroccoli. It's only 2019, men can't arrange Christmas without reference to their wives. They can only have important jobs and carve a turkey that magically cooked itself.

Thatnovembernight · 14/10/2019 19:05

I would text both sons and both DILs asking when would be best to see them over Christmas to give the kids their presents etc as you’re just working out what to do when. That way they can either invite you on the actual day or make a plan for Boxing Day or some other time. I think a text is better than a phone all as it gives them time to talk to each other rather than being put on the spot with a phone call.

francienolan · 14/10/2019 19:05

What am I missing? Why is the OP incapable of calling up one of her sons and asking wha their plans are?

Whoops75 · 14/10/2019 19:12

OP

It’s not too late to change how you communicate with your sons & their families.
Start ringing your sons more, get your dh to ring and get their news.
Amongst my friends ‘wife work’ is the source of most in-law frustration.

Christmas Day isn’t the only day to celebrate with family. It’s a long celebration with plenty of time so no need to cram everything into one day.
New traditions can be fun, no need to be Sad if you don’t see them on the 25th.

ChilliMayo · 14/10/2019 19:12

It sounds as if there's a lot of 'wifework' goes on in your family, even down to your own reluctance to discuss this issue with your oh in case it upsets him. So you carry the stress and upset of it. But that's by-the-by, how you organise such things is up to you.
But on the actual subject - over the years we've had to adjust Xmases many times, even moving the day sometimes.
You could have both DSs and families over for a big meal the Sunday before. It would be chaos, but good chaos. We called this Fake Xmas and ended up with 23 people, garden chairs, bits of board balanced between tables. Everyone has fond memories.
You could visit for pre-lunch drinks to see the dgc.
You could visit for cake and a board game at 6pm.
You could have a big open house on Boxing Day and include any and all of DSs' houseguests.
All you need to say to oh is 'stop being silly'.
Just open the conversation by saying to each 'I know you've got plans but we'd really like to see the gc for an hour st some point on the day, can we pop over in the morning, or slip in for a cup of tea early evening?'
There's always the chance that one or other will say 'what? We thought you were here for dinner?'
You'll never know until you try to clear the confusion yourself.

Kez200 · 14/10/2019 19:15

They might not have sorted it. Ive no idea what we are doing for Christmas!

If I found we had it on our own and time off Id book something. Either lunch out or a holiday! We went abroad once and it was lovely. All food done, including a gala dinner, and we had warm weather and swam on Christmas day.

Pandaintheporridge · 14/10/2019 19:22

If you've still got a dc at home, it's not as if the two of you would be alone. I've had several restaurant Christmas days (well it's only an hour or two of Christmas, then back home for quality street and no washing up!) and if dc weren't around I think we would go somewhere warm instead. Do you think son and dil #2 really don't know that you are not going to son and dil #1? They may not have discussed it.

FriedasCarLoad · 14/10/2019 19:25

You sound like a lovely mother-in-law. Smile

Piglet208 · 14/10/2019 19:35

I don't see the issue. You phone dil/ds at home ( the one who hasn't mentioned Christmas yet) and ask whoever answers the phone if they have made any plans yet for Christmas as dil 1 has mentioned they are having her family over this year. Say they are welcome to come to you. If they invite you then problem is solved. If they say they are planning a quiet one on their own or are inviting other relatives then you can make plans for a quiet Christmas at home with your other dc and dh and arrange to see both your ds families on another day.

HollowTalk · 14/10/2019 19:42

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.

If your relationship with your sons and DILS is good, then perhaps send a message saying, "I know it's only October but I've been thinking about Christmas. Other DS and DIL are having DIL's parents round for the day? Are you planning to do anything?"

LannisterLion1 · 14/10/2019 20:07

Just do your own Christmas. It's possible that they don't want to alternate this year and want to do their own thing Christmas day.

What about inviting them all another day so you can see each other over Christmas? You could ask your DS/DILs what works for them.

Mangoandbroccoli · 14/10/2019 20:14

Apologies @leghairdontcare, you're absolutely right- that really was a bit too much! The hubby is home from work now to put me back in my place 😜

In all seriousness, OP, I think this has just ignited a few sparks amongst many women who recognise the frustration of a situation where MILs, however well meaning, will divert to their DILs because they "don't want to bother their sons at work" (oh the number of times I've had that one! Whilst rushing home from work to collect DC...)

Lots of reasonable suggestions here for you to casually chat to your sons about it, with @ChilliMayo offering excellent alternative scenarios.

Good luck and please don't get stressed about it. It's just one day 😊

AnnetteJones · 14/10/2019 20:21

Do your own little Xmas

We do this every year x

yellowallpaper · 14/10/2019 20:44

How about a couple of days away in a hotel by yourselves? Nice and stress free. You'll see the families anyway over the holiday at some point. Sometimes families just want less hassle at Christmas. I know the constant cooking etc is something I can do without occasionally

Bouffalant · 14/10/2019 21:02

Speak to your boys. Don't bypass them and automatically assign wifework to DILs.

If it's become a habit so far please try to change it.

Or for that matter tell your DH to communicate with his sons regarding Christmas arrangements.

PearlsBeforeWine · 14/10/2019 21:07

Maybe they just want Christmas alone.
We do.
I'm tired of running around after grandparents etc every year.
It's a lot of work and I don't get enough time with my kids, always looking after visitors.

A rotation policy is the best way to go.

OrchidInTheSun · 14/10/2019 21:11

Why have your sons not spoken to one another? That's what happens in our family.

And he don't you speak to the one that hasn't got family coming? Honestly, stop being so passive aggressive and just bloody talk to your children.

It goes like this:

"Hi darling, what are you doing Xmas?"

"Just at home, as usual, with the kids. Are you and dad going to Charlie's?"

"No, not this year because Angela's parents are going. We wondered if you'd like to come here? Or if Biff and Chip would prefer to be in their own home, we could come to you?"

"Oh! We thought you were going to Charlie's! I'm sure it would be great if you came - let me just check with Charlotte."

See. It's easy.

Gustavo1 · 14/10/2019 21:13

Is it usually organised by now?
If so, you can probably just assume you aren’t getting together on the 25th this year and invite them to you on Boxing Day as usual. If they are expecting you or planning to ask, that will prompt the discussion.
It’s ok to be disappointed that you won’t spend Christ Day together. It doesn’t matter in the scheme of things though. Just plan a nice celebration for when you are together.

HugoSpritz · 15/10/2019 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fredastaireatemyjamsandwich · 15/10/2019 09:58

Just plan on having a lovely Christmas Day at yours. As you say, you will be seeing them at special events around Christmas time. It may be that one dil wants to spend it just with her family, and the other wants the day with just DH and DC. It maybe that your OH wants to see them on the day, but you have to take a step back sometimes. You bought up your family the way you wanted, and now they wish to do the same.

Singinghollybob · 15/10/2019 10:03

Maybe you could call your son & DIL and speak to whowver pu ka up the phone and ask them their plans. Or considering it's your OH who would be so disappointed, ask him to call them.
It might just be a misunderstanding and your sons haven't deliberately not invited you this year

GU24Mum · 15/10/2019 10:04

Hi OP, if your GC are young and you still have a child at home you're probably not really ancient GPs so I'd just plan to do your own thing. If it then comes out that you're in your own, far less emotive to say that you assumed they all had other plans and you'd never want anyone to feel they