Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Christmas quandary no invite this year for grandparents.

115 replies

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 17:49

As grandparents we have been expected to visit one or other of the children and their little ones for the last few years. One DIL is assuming we are going to the other DIL this year she is having her own family over.

The thing is we have not been invited to the other DILs. So should we just crack on and do our own little xmas. OH will be upset, so I am keeping this under my hat, but it is going to come to a head eventually.

What would you do to avert bad feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 18:08

I did explain they will not come to us because DILs family are coming to stay. I give up. This is chat not AIBU.....

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 14/10/2019 18:10

I am so fed up of sorting Christmas and fitting around sil. I have left it to DH this year. As far as I know it is just us 4 as PIL going to sil but I am not chasing. I do all the organising all year. Maybe dil's feel the same

GiantKitten · 14/10/2019 18:10

As a parent of adult children I literally don’t understand why you can’t just contact the DIL who isn’t seeing a sister & ask her what their plans are!

(I also struggle with the concept of your sons being entirely uninvolved with the process)

ASK ONE OF THEM!!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations

codenameduchess · 14/10/2019 18:11

So, you have no issue at all with your sons poor behaviour in all this? They 'don't get involved' is ridiculous.

Have a conversation with your sons or your dil without the passive aggressive victim complex.

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 18:11

Both DILs have got family coming?

Gizlotsmum · 14/10/2019 18:11

Realistically you can ask for an invite or plan to be at home and maybe pleasantly surprised by an invite. Are both dil's having their family this year?

GorkyMcPorky · 14/10/2019 18:12

Perhaps your DILs are sick of the wimmin waiting hand and foot on the men (conjecture based on the sons not getting involved) and want to shake things up.

RonniePasas · 14/10/2019 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2019 18:15

My MIL used to ask me what we're doing for Christmas and other events. She'd also remind me of distant relatives' birthdays I had never met to send them cards. Managed to nip that in the bud, I am not my husband's secretary.

Why not speak to your children? If they genuinely don't get involved in planning their own Christmas don't you find that strange?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 18:15

My sons do not really get involved in xmas
Wow. So these poor busy young women are expected to do all of Christmas on their own because their partners own a penis and you further reinforce that by refusing to ask your children if they'd like you for dinner or if they'd like to come to you?

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 18:15

Just spotted the post I missed.

Perhaps if you had invited them rather than waiting to be accommodated, that might have been a better plan.

Are you close enough to either family to pop over in the afternoon?

Original poster

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 18:15

Well we are taking all the GCs out on a couple of trips to see Santa etc. over xmas holidays so we will see them then and hopefully if they are free on Boxing Day. I just know OH will be upset not to see them on xmas day. My sons do help out at xmas. One will be doing all the shopping and cooking, the other one will do the shopping and decorating because he loves xmas.

OP posts:

Fatshedra · 14/10/2019 18:15

Thing is women do most of the work for Xmas in most families so I would imagine asking DS what he's doing, which will immediately be passed onto his DW, might irritate and be seen as the MIL or DS interfering in what is a lot of organising.
I'm afraid you are going to have to ask the DIL who doesn't have relatives visiting if you are getting an invite.
She may be wanting to change things so you could then suggest something forBoxing Day, maybe at yours.

Kit30 · 14/10/2019 18:16

Talk to your sons and tell them to get a grip From what you say they're basically dodging their responsibilities all around. It's very unfair of them and you to expect your DILs to shoulder all the emotional labour/ responsibility on top of childcare (assuming your sons are lame at that too)?) and work, let alone complaining about them on MN.

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 18:16

Whichever it it, they are your sons families, and your sons who are being thoughtless.

Or the op for thinking she’d entitled to sit back and let everyone else organise her Christmas.

GreenTulips · 14/10/2019 18:16

What’s your contribution when you do go? And why is a house different from a restaurant for a meal?

Original poster

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 18:17

I will say for the third and final time. They wish to be in their own homes on christmas day with all their small children, high chairs, nappies etc. which to my mind is easier for them.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 18:19

So you invited them and they said no?

Original poster

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 18:19

When we go we provide the turkey, cooked if wished, the puddings, lots of bottles of fizz. A sack of presents for all.

OP posts:

mantlepiece · 14/10/2019 18:20

OP you say you have another child who will be staying with you over Christmas?
Are you expecting one of your two DILs to invite all three of you for Christmas ? Do you expect them to invite the other son and his family?

I think the best way to realise your vision of a family Christmas is to host it yourself, invite everyone to your house. Bring in the garden chairs to make room. You really can’t expect others to offer what you are not.

LL83 · 14/10/2019 18:21

It is not for OP to decide the split of workload of son and dils. She notices dils are doing the work so doesnt want to inconvenience them.

I love christmas and would not appreciate mil telling dh to do more. We manage it between ourselves and I do more because I enjoy it.

OP it is early, I would say to Dil what are the plans for Christmas period? Say you would love to see children for a bit if possible and available for dinner but happy to go home for dinner if that doesnt suit.

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2019 18:23

Just ask. Maybe the ones without visitors want a break from hosing this year and would prefer to do another day? Last year we had a Christmas just us and the children as every other year we had either travelled to family (not local) or hosted and we always ended up more exhausted and not able to enjoy it. We visited people on Boxing Day instead which was much better.

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 18:23

I love christmas and would not appreciate mil telling dh to do more. We manage it between ourselves and I do more because I enjoy it.

That’s not how it is for many, many women though. Look up “wife work”.

SallyLovesCheese · 14/10/2019 18:24

Just ask your sons if you should make alternative plans for Christmas Day, stressing that you're not angling for an invite, just need to know so you can get provisions in. Then have a lovely Christmas Day at home with your other child.

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2019 18:24

Actually asking your one child what they're doing for Christmas isn't too much to ask though is it? Or are these blokes really that useless that they don't know plans?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5