Christmas quandary no invite this year for grandparents.

[justasking111]

As grandparents we have been expected to visit one or other of the children and their little ones for the last few years. One DIL is assuming we are going to the other DIL this year she is having her own family over.

The thing is we have not been invited to the other DILs. So should we just crack on and do our own little xmas. OH will be upset, so I am keeping this under my hat, but it is going to come to a head eventually.

What would you do to avert bad feelings.

My sons do help out at xmas.
So ask them. Yoi said they don't get involved so you can't possibly ask them. Then you said they do. So if they do, ask them. And yes of course its perfectly reasonable thry dint come to you with small kids, but dint sit there being sad and bitter when a simple combo can possibly resolve it.

Hey Brian, I know Steve and Amy have invited her family over this year. I just wodnered if you fancies us coming to you this year again or not?

Another vote for just SPEAKING to your sons to ask what the plans are for Xmas.....

My MIL also bypasses her own sons to speak to her DILs if it is a 'wifework' matter eg dull, organising, family things.

Despite redirecting MIL to her own sons she continues to contact the DILs. Drives me and SIL mad.

Your sons don't get involved in Christmas one minute, the so all the cooking and shopping the next.

I’d wait a few weeks and then say to the son who hasn’t got the in laws staying: “What are you doing fur Christmas?” And you’ll probably find out.

God bless us every one.

• then do etc that should say.

Perhaps they want a year on their own but know you won’t be happy about it, if they haven’t invited you then I would get on and make your own plans.
You say you’ve been expected to visit and then in the other breath that your DH will be upset if you’re not invited.

In your position I would probably speak to the DIL you haven't spoken to yet (I'm a bit confused about which one is having their own family over, is it the one who's assuming you're going to the other one?) and just say "what are you doing for Xmas, would you fancy coming to us?" They can then accept the invitation or they might invite you to theirs if they haven't considered any plans yet.

Oh for crying out loud, my DH wouldn’t know a Christmas plan if it bit him on the arse. He does other stuff, it’s called division of labour and it’s okay, doesn’t make OP’s sons wife beaters. You all need to lighten up a bit!

If one of your DILs is assuming you're going to the others and youre not why not just mention it casually that youre not going. It might be if they realise you're not invited elsewhere theyll ask you to theirs.

They're family - talk to them.

Just read the whole thread - you sound like my mother blaming DH as ‘ he’ll be upset not to see the grandchildren on Christmas day’ not you obviously!!
Gp’s do not have a god given right to spend every Christmas with their grandchildren and sounds like your DIL’s have had enough of the pressure and election every year and your sons won’t man up and tell you .

Bloody hell Mumsnet can be nasty.
Obviously lots of people on here who resent doing Christmas. But lots of people do like to be together - and I see you are only going for the day - hardly a massive imposition.

OP - I hope that you can sort out - there's plenty of time. They could have just overlooked it or maybe it's something they would think about after half term if they have little ones at school.

As others have said just ask them in a nice way so that you can make plans if need be.

Good luck x

Expectation

In my family the women generally organise the social arrangements

Yes typical wife work. But that doesn't make it right.

I've always insisted my husband writes the Christmas cards for his family.

Equally I'd expect him to talk to his family about arrangements for Christmas or any other family gathering, not me.

So OP, why not call your other son (the one whose not inviting his in-laws for Christmas and ask if he and family want to come for Christmas or do something else?

My B&SIL have never once invited my ILs for Christmas. They’ve been together well over a decade and in that time spent Christmas with friends, her family, or by theirselves. (PILs do go and stay with them over the year, there’s no big family rift, I just think BIL is a selfish bastard.)

Most years (probably 7 out of the last 10) we end up inviting PILs, but I don’t want it to be every year. So PILs have made new traditions - a walk on the beach, a non Christmas meal later I the day, etc. I’m sure they’d rather spend the time with their sons and grandchildren (both sides) but I refuse to pick up the slack all the time for my B&SIL. We’re all adults, and we get to make our choices, and if (in the case of my MIL) it involves never saying “it would be lovely to see you at Christmas” to my BIL, well, you reap what you sow.

I'd just have the day at home. It's a bit presumptuous to assume you're always going to be invited, even when you have grandchildren, you love to see. Think of Christmas like a few days not one day and enjoy the events you already have planned.

Not sure why you would expect to get an invite, especially when you still have a dc at home. Can't the 3 of you just have Christmas dinner together? In fairness, it's only October so while one of your sons and his wife have made arrangements with her family, maybe your other son and his wife haven't even thought about what to do.

@Redglitter . If I buy for one family I always buy for the other. So all of them get kids clothes/toys/sweets on the same day. If OH does something for one he does for the other. and so on. We try to keep things fair. We do not discuss one of them to the other, I would have hated it if my MIL had done that.

Just plan to have it at home. It's not an automatic to be invited. Perhaps they want Christmas they way they have planned. By all means ask you sons what their plans are what what days you could see the grandchildren but please don't assume a Christmas Day visit, and please don't make them feel bad if not. My kids love seeing my parents but quite frankly I have no guilt in not inviting them for the meal as it's my time with the kids for a chilled day in our hectic lives. There are days around Christmas Day when we see them etc, but I do love Christmas just t he four of us

It isn’t all on the DILs, it’s not up to them to sort your Christmas. Maybe they are like our house where I let DH know who I want to invite and he lets me know who he does. Both sides always welcome, just his responsibility to invite his?

You are enabling your sons to push all the "wifework" onto your DILs who have their own families to consider.

Your whole attitude and "dilemma" is ridiculous.

So who did you go to last year? The easiest is thing is to alternate it which means it's someone's "turn" unless they have actually said this year we can't host you because of whatever reason
Maybe they want Christmas on their own without guests?
They don't have to host anyone regardless if your other half will be upset, why not just ask people instead of feeling sad that you've not yet been invited?!

expected to visit
Strange way to describe previous visits

You don’t need to make plans until the week before so wait and see.
Ye have fallen into a habit and maybe it doesn’t suit this year.
If I was you I would do your own thing and tell your husband sulking isn’t allowed.

My sons do not really get involved in xmas. It would be awful to lean on them to wangle an invite.

I don't get it - how would it be awful to 'lean' on your own son but you're blaming your dil? . Just do what normal people do and ask -what are your plans for Xmas?

I would just make your own plans for Xmas day. If you get an invite in the meantime, great. Tell your OH your not going because you've not been invited.

This is quite simple