Massive parenting fail

[MonstranceClock]

I got called into school today because my 5 year old called her teacher “lame”.

Turns out 2 weeks ago while I was bed bound sick, she had binge watched an entire series of South Park on Netflix. Luckily teacher saw the funny side but I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! Any one else want to cheer me up with their parenting fails?!

DH- “night night baby, love you”
DD- “night night knobhead”

Im a terrible driver, there was one time I was driving back from McDonald's and had to break sharp. My DS who was 4 shouted "you nearly crashed the fucking car again mommy"
I was so shocked and embarrassed.

Is South Park in the kids Netflix profile? I thought it was a bit risky- even my 11 year has to ask to be able to switch out his kid user id and use our adult one.

My DD, then aged 3, accidentally watched an episode of Family Guy. Unfortunately it was the one where Brian is run over by a car, so they just get another dog. DD was then terrified that if she was run over, we'd just get a new DD. Obviously we reassured her that she wasn't actually replaceable, but it did instill in her a greater level of road safety.

When DS was about 7 I fell asleep and whilst I was dozing, he went off to the beauty salon down the road and got himself a fish pedicure 🤦‍♀️

DH- “night night baby, love you”
DD- “night night knobhead”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My DD was messing around in the bath and nearly made her sister hit her head against the side. I raised my voice and and said, "Don't be stupid!" She looked at me in shock and said "You can't speak to me like that. I'm a kid." I did apologise...

The Simpsons here my DS said to his teacher my name is Jack (not real) who the hell are you!

DS to DH "is stupid a naughty word daddy"
DH to DS "no, but it's not nice to call someone stupid"
DS to DH "what about fuckwit, is fuckwit a naughty word because that's what mum called the fuckwit who opened her car door in front of us when we were driving home from nursery" 😂😂😂

My 2 yr old DS walked around shops pointing at people shouting "cock" loudly, he was trying to say "clock" (watch)...not my fault as lots of people wear watches and he was obsessed!

My son spent his first day at nursery at a year old telling anyone that offered him anything "fuck you" They were genuinely horrified and worried about other children repeating it when I realised that he was trying to say "thank you" We taught him "ta" the next day and laughed at our attempts to make pfb posh.

Sorry I don't have anything to add that can beat some of the gems I read on here. I love this thread! 🤣 please keep them coming. OP, yours was not too serious as you can see.

My DD says 'oh my god' a lot, I've told her not to say it, as she went to a nursery in the church....now she tells me off for saying it! She also used to say 'shit down' when she was learning to talk....may have got her to repeat that a few times for a laugh 🤣
Worst things was when they bought giant snails into school.....at nanny's she marches round the garden stamping on the naughty snails for eating nanny's plants.....thankfully she did ask first if she could kill the snails at school 🤣🤣🤣

My ds announced at the library when he was about 9 that his cousin Mickey had recommended a book and he wanted to ask the librarian for it....I should have known better because cousin Mickey never read a book in his life....So ds very sweetly asked the librarian for 50 Shades of Grey....Librarian was horrified.

Or the time that ds (around age 4) went running through a store shouting let's go see the faggots. Eventually we figured out he was trying to say "fabrics" but not before we got a lot of very nasty looks.

When DS was about 7 I fell asleep and whilst I was dozing, he went off to the beauty salon down the road and got himself a fish pedicure 🤦‍♀️

What now? This really needs expanding on!

Worst things was when they bought giant snails into school.....at nanny's she marches round the garden stamping on the naughty snails for eating nanny's plants.....thankfully she did ask first if she could kill the snails at school 🤣🤣🤣

I am about as far removed from pearl clutching as possible but this is really horrible.

Why would you waste anyone's time reporting as a safeguarding concern the fact that a school age child watched South Park whilst their mother was ill? Unless you wanted to give the safeguarding authorities a laugh.

Not a safeguarding concern but yeah, obvs South Park is not the greatest and it's clear OP knows that - hence the post! High horses - retreat!

Some gems on here folks. You've had me giggling away to myself!

At least she didn't tell the teacher they had "chocolate salty balls"

I’m howling at some of these.

Oh some of these are fab!

By some kind of miracle, my DCs have never repeated a swear word in their lives, despite DH and I swearing like troopers. Well, not within earshot anyway! But I work in Early Years and I have heard some gems, let me tell you.

A 3 year old girl, on her taster day, had a sticker with her name on. One of the other girls innocently asked 'what does that say?' New girl replied 'it says fuck off'

We also had a 4 year old, the son of one of my friends, who watched me struggle to assemble a 'pop up' tent for 5 minutes then proudly said 'MiteBite, you just need to get a fucking man in'.
His mum was more horrified about the misogyny than the swearing

And my absolute favourite, a lovely little 3 year old boy, prone to the odd bad mood in the morning aren't we all? Another member of staff saw him walk in with a face like thunder, and said 'oh Jimmy, cheer up, it's a lovely sunny day'.
He replied 'oh just fuck off Sue' which was exactly what I felt like saying to her and went to sulk in the book corner

@Mitebiteatnite

“Oh just fuck off Sue”

I’m howling 😂😂😂

These are all brilliant. My DS has just started to try and say Iguana but it sounds like Wanker 🙈

I was in Tesco the other day and my 8 year old turned to me and said 'Mummy, why is gin so expensive these days?'

WTF! About 11 people started laughing.