Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Confidentiality and your partner

94 replies

saraclara · 01/10/2019 08:30

Elsewhere on the board, someone has said that it's weird not to tell one's spouse or partner about something that someone else has asked you to keep confidential. Do you agree?

If I confided in a friend about something serious (and, importantly, told them it mustn't go any further), I'd be furious if they told their partner. They are not one person, to me. They might be quite different personalities. I might trust my friend to understand/not to judge, but not their husband/wife. And how do I know the other half won't blab outside the relationship?

Do you tell your partner everything that you're told? Do you expect total confidentiality from friends or do you assume they'll tell their spouse?

OP posts:

SockQueen · 01/10/2019 08:33

No, if I am told something in confidence it stays with me. I'm a doctor so it's part of my profession. It caused some interesting discussions when SiL told me she was pregnant very early on, I didn't tell DH and he didn't find out till much later when someone mentioned it and assumed he would know!

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 01/10/2019 08:35

Nope. If someone tells me something in confidence, that’s it - I won’t tell anyone else, including my partner. And I’d hope my friends would do the same.

Branleuse · 01/10/2019 08:35

if a friend told me something in confidence, I would not tell my dp or anyone.
I wouldnt confide in someone that I suspected told their dp everything. I know many people do though

notacooldad · 01/10/2019 08:39

I keep confidential things that way.
Dp doesn't need to know everything and same the other way. He shouldn't tell ..e thing he has been asked to keep quiet.

MulticolourMophead · 01/10/2019 08:39

I've always kept a confidence, never told even my ex.

But I've seen on other threads that people would tell a DH or DP, on the grounds that they can't keep secrets from them.

ArchMemory · 01/10/2019 08:40

Hm. I’ll be honest it depends. If the person has explicitly said it’s in confidence and mustn’t go further I wouldn’t tell my husband. If it’s something that is personal or private but I haven’t been actually asked to keep a secret then I might tell my partner. He is very very discreet though - I trust him completely and i know he wouldn’t share. He also discusses such matters with me and I honour that confidence.

Original poster

saraclara · 01/10/2019 08:41

This is the second time I've seen that attitude in a forum. Last time it was followed by a long string of posters saying the same thing. That they tell their partner everything, and that no-one has the right to say they shouldn't.

Since I read that thread a long time ago, I've become very much more cagey about confiding in anyone. I was really shocked by it. So seeing it said again today made me wonder what people here thought. I'm glad to read that some of you respect confidences fully.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 01/10/2019 08:42

If someone tells me something I keep it confidential, always.
Like the doctor above confidentiality is part of my profession and has been for a long time, so I understand it and internalised it long ago.
Some people genuinely don’t get it. I have a relative who has to offload stuff she is told. You can see she’s “ too full” of the information and just feels she has to unload it. She sees nothing wrong with spreading information. Coincidentally she doesn’t have many friends.

ArchMemory · 01/10/2019 08:42

The reason I might discuss with my partner is not for gossip but sometimes when someone tells me something it raises issues I also want to talk over with someone and that someone is my husband.

TryingAndFailing39 · 01/10/2019 08:42

I have a friend who did this to me recently. I told her something really personal and she told her dh, I know this because she brought it up in conversation with him there. I didn’t tell her how upset I was but I’ve definitely distanced myself from her since

senua · 01/10/2019 08:48

They are not one person, to me.
That's your view of marriage. I don't keep secrets from DH.
However, it can be sorted quite simply. Just say "keep this confidential, and that includes your OH." They then have the option to (1) agree or (2) decline to hear the confidence.

666onmyhead · 01/10/2019 08:54

I must admit I was very shocked at the thread that you elude to ( if it's the one I think it is ) as not only did this DH tell his wife the secret, she then went and told her children !

Further reading let's it be known he was told by phone and she overheard/saw his sadness etc . But still. Do not tell anyone means do not tell anyone in most languages.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 01/10/2019 08:55

I wouldn't tell my partner if a friend had told me something private or confidential but I have a friend who I know does this so I consciously dont tell her certain things.

I also have a close friend who has a close friend who I dont know very well and I know that she tells her things so if I tell her anything I specifically say I dont want anyone to know and have to try and trust that it wont go any further.

Original poster

saraclara · 01/10/2019 09:01

However, it can be sorted quite simply. Just say "keep this confidential, and that includes your OH.

That's all very well if it even occurs to you that they otherwise would. Until I saw the first thread I've referred to, it didn't enter my head that I needed to add extra conditions to anyone with a partner.

What is it about "please don't mention this to anyone" that is unclear and allows for spouses?

OP posts:

KUGA · 01/10/2019 09:02

I would never dream of breaking a confidentiality.
Not to a living soul to the point of I had a friend many years ago who told me something shocking, we fell out and I haven`t spoken to her for over 9 years and my mouth still stays shut.
On a lighter note,another friend gave me a gift card that said you will always be my friend,you know too much.

DryIce · 01/10/2019 09:06

This comes up periodically on mumsnet and people seem firmly in one of either category and insist their way is right.

I'm on the side of keeping confidences. I would be extremely uncomfortable and hurt if a friend told their partner personal issues I'd confided in them. Having seem how widespread the alternative view is, I've definitely cut back on my sharing.

I have a great and open relationship with my husband, and would tell him anything that effected he or I. I really fail to see why he needs to know the details of a friends divorce or a sisters mental health etc under the guise of transparency

MsChatterbox · 01/10/2019 09:08

If someone tells me something I always ask can I tell my husband. As we usually tell each other everything. If they say no then I don't tell.

FrenchFancie · 01/10/2019 09:10

I used to think that i’d tell my oh everything and him me, but we’ve changed a bit over the years, so now it depends.
So for example, we live in a small community and my friend is having some trouble at work, my husband works for the same company and it’s likely to come across his desk at some point. My friend has told me details but I can’t and won’t share with him - it could affect his future work.
On the other hand, my husbands long standing but batshit friend asked him to lend her 7k without telling me. (Or telling me she’d asked!!). He obviously told me - and we don’t have £7k just lying about the place fgs so I don’t know why she thought he wouldn’t tell me.
I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘tell everything’ or ‘always keep confidences’.

mostlydrinkstea · 01/10/2019 09:35

For my job if it is said to be confidential it stays that way. What I have discovered in the wider world is that confidential means anything from never telling a living soul, to confidential except by partner or confidential in that I only tell one person at a time. I've learnt over the years that if I need to tell someone information that is needed for their role but needs to be confidential I am really clear about who this can be shared with. I cannot assume they have the same understanding of the word that I have.

Damntheman · 01/10/2019 10:41

I would never tell my spouse something that a friend had asked me to keep in confidence. He would never tell me in the same situation. Those aren't our secrets to be spreading around. It wouldn't be me keeping a secret from my DH because it's not my secret. I would consider it a grave breach of trust if a friend heard me say 'keep this to yourself please' and then told their partner. In fact it's common practice in my friend circles at least to say "Keep this quiet but you can tell partner if you want" if you don't mind it going a little further. The general expectation is that you keep the confidence to yourself.

listsandbudgets · 01/10/2019 10:46

I was at the wrong end of this. Told a friend asked her ot keep it entirely to herself and she told her partner... he did not keep it to himself. It dreadful. Suffice to say, we are no longer friends :(

SpoonBlender · 01/10/2019 10:58

I'm in team "won't tell DP", and DP is too. Despite both of us knowing the other would keep it in confidence automatically.

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 11:10

If I told someone something in confidence I'd be pissed off if they went off to tell somebody else.

I told my best friend when I was pregnant, before I told most of my family (before 12 week scan- I think I told her at about 8 weeks) and told her that nobody else other than parents and DP's best friend knew.
She told her BF and DM.
I didn't find out until she let it slip afterwards.

It wasn't worth the argument so let it go but won't make the same mistake again.

notacooldad · 01/10/2019 11:13

I replied earlier that I keep confidences to myself.
I have heard people saying its keeping secrets from your partner but I dont see it like that. The keeping secret would be wrong if it was something I did and it concerned him or something was seriously up with the children and he should know. However things about my friends life that is personal and sensitive is off limits. It's not my story to share. If course I do talk generally about my friends to him and give general updated of what they are up to that is intersting if I see him when it is still relevant. we have enough of our own business to talk about at the end if the day before we get on to anyone else's!!

I just asked if he thought I should be telling him stuff ( out if intrest) he says he cant see why personal stuff is any of his buisness ( I agree)
I asked if he tells me personal stuff about his friends and he says no one ever tells him anything anyway!!! I cant recall anything that should have kept private being divulge.

Hecateh · 01/10/2019 11:45

I have a friend who shares practically everything with her partner. BUT she will not tell him something that was told to her in absolute confidence.

She is such an open person and yet also the most trustworthy person I know. Her husband's brother is gay but did not share this with anyone until he was in his 60's. The first person he told was my friend and she shared it with no one until he was ready. It didn't come as a surprise to anyone, but it was his business and as such, not hers to share.

Flip

1 2 3 4