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Original poster

Confidentiality and your partner

94 replies

saraclara · 01/10/2019 08:30

Elsewhere on the board, someone has said that it's weird not to tell one's spouse or partner about something that someone else has asked you to keep confidential. Do you agree?

If I confided in a friend about something serious (and, importantly, told them it mustn't go any further), I'd be furious if they told their partner. They are not one person, to me. They might be quite different personalities. I might trust my friend to understand/not to judge, but not their husband/wife. And how do I know the other half won't blab outside the relationship?

Do you tell your partner everything that you're told? Do you expect total confidentiality from friends or do you assume they'll tell their spouse?

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 01/10/2019 17:27

I do tell my partner most things. It depends what it is to be honest.

raspberryk · 01/10/2019 17:46

Unless my friend confessed to murder then yes I would probably discuss with my dp. Even then, if we needed an alibi , I would definitely tell him!

If my dp kept something from me that he then shared later I would be a bit like "erm why didn't you tell me before".

If I need to discus anything with my best friend I will happily share with her DH in the room, because they are a pair, I wouldn't expect her to keep it from him and I trust him as much as I trust her. If I didn't, we wouldn't be close friends. Men aren't likely to discus it any further.

Branleuse · 01/10/2019 17:53

i dont see the difference between someone telling their partner, or telling any other of their friends or family. It still means they cant keep a confidence

notacooldad · 01/10/2019 17:56

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely
But why is your friends business your husbands business?
I dont get it. You are not doing anything to break his trust. Over the years my friends have told me things such as being diagnosed with cervical cancer, depression, worries over job loss, concerns about a childs mental health. They are things for me to discuss with anyone else. They are not my stories but I'm there to hand out tissues, listen as a friend and offer what positive advice I can. It's not breaking trust to not tell someone else regardless of who they are.

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 18:03

i dont see the difference between someone telling their partner, or telling any other of their friends or family. It still means they cant keep a confidence

This. Although @raspberryk seems to take marriage vows very literally and believes spouses are actually a single person.

Fluffsmum · 01/10/2019 19:03

I always assume people will tell their DP/ DH so don't tell anyone anything if I don't want that to happen. I'm very choosey about who I tell stuff to.

I don't tell DH everything, my work involves confidential information so that's fairly normal to us anyway.

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 19:17

If something is told in confidence it should stay confidential, no exceptions. There's enough pillow talk about innocuous stuff, never mind what's important.

If I knew something and wanted an opinion from, say, husband, I might tell the story with a few details changed and not give name so the person could not be identified. If it was impossible to achieve that then I'd not ask his advice.

I'd expect the same from anyone in whom I confided.

Fizzypoo · 01/10/2019 19:20

I gossip to dp. I like a harmless gossip with friends too, I don't tell others secrets if they say specifically don't tell. My friends know I'm shit at keeping secrets unless its told to me it's a secret and not to tell. I don't have the same filter as others and am a very open person.

I don't tell dp or anyone else confidential info from work. That feels ethically wrong.

Nicolastuffedone · 01/10/2019 19:31

I would take a confidence to the grave. People confide in me because they know that.

raspberryk · 01/10/2019 20:20

I'm not the only one with that view - marriage vows or not, (I'm not married to my current dp). I find changing details of names etc weird in order to discus with so as anything we discuss goes no further. My alliance to him and his to me goes beyond that of anyone else. And like others have said anything they've said in confidence to others they expect them to mention to their dp/dh.

theemmadilemma · 01/10/2019 20:25

An 'oh don't tell anyone...' I probably would if it wasn't anything serious.

But there are a few things I 100% would never share because it's not his place to know or my information to share.

museumum · 01/10/2019 20:33

I would keep most things confidential completely.
But if something put me in a tricky position morally and knowing it was worrying me I’d probably talk it over with dh. He definitely wouldn’t tell anyone else.

wonkylegs · 01/10/2019 20:33

I commented this on another thread but I don't think that I was clear, I either stop the secret teller and explain that I would share with DH or If it only becomes clear that it's a confidence afterwards I would tell them that I prefer to share things like this with my DH as I don't like to keep secrets from him as we try to share everything for support and when I have done this in the past my friends have been ok. If the confidence giver was dead against it or it would be awkward in another way I have kept secrets from my DH but it doesn't sit comfortably with me and have said so.

TryingAndFailing39 · 01/10/2019 21:16

My alliance to him and his to me goes beyond that of anyone else

I recently told 2 close friends something horrendous that happened to me a couple of years ago and that I was now in therapy. I’d be devastated if they told their husbands. Would you tell your dh something as personal as that if you happened to be the friend I confided in?

motortroll · 01/10/2019 21:20

I would always tell my husband. I get why other people wouldn't but I would just because we do that. Most of the time neither if Us even cares that much but we tell each other everything, it's just the way we are!! We don't really know each other's friends much though so probably easier on the conscience. I don't think either way is weird.

TryingAndFailing39 · 01/10/2019 21:44

I would always tell my husband

In what context?
“Guess what? X told me she was seriously assaulted and has ptsd. She’s only ever told 4 people and has now been referred for therapy”.
I cannot think of any reason someone would do that especially when the person is so vulnerable and has not even told their own family.

TryingAndFailing39 · 01/10/2019 21:47

If what you were told affected you then fair enough but if it’s someone disclosing their own secret then I find it unbelievable and inappropriate that you would tell your dh. You’d have to bring it into the conversation deliberately.
I’m actually worrying now about whether my 2 friends have told their spouses and feel I have to ask them now Sad if their dhs knew what happened to me I honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable being around them as I put on my smiley face and hardly anyone knows.

LucieFurr · 01/10/2019 22:20

I keep it to myself. Always. I think it's an unforgivable betrayal of trust not too.

Wheelson · 01/10/2019 22:36

I think I would always assume people would tell their DHs so if it was something I wouldn't feel comfortable about them knowing then I wouldn't share.

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 22:43

So, some of you are seriously saying that if a close friend started to disclose her rape, and broke off to say ‘I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but please don’t tell anyone, I haven’t told another soul’, you would interrupt her to tell her that you ‘don’t keep secrets from your DH’, and that if she doesn’t want you to run home and blab to him, she should stop telling you about her rape? Hmm

Branleuse · 01/10/2019 22:51

Some of you here are really shit friends, wow. Youve got no right telling your friends secrets to your husbands.

Leftielefterson · 01/10/2019 22:52

If someone asks you to keep something confidential (that doesn’t have an adverse impact on your DP/DH) then it stays between the two of you. There’s no need to disclose gossip etc. to your partner.

I’ve also learnt to be careful with information. A boyfriend sent me highly confidential information relating to his ex. There could have been devastating consequences for her. He did this to ‘prove’ he was only giving her legal counsel but that was so foolish.

I know of disgruntled exes that have shared some of the most personal details about a person, really vile stuff. Consequently I am very careful with the info I give out.

CucinaBreakfast · 01/10/2019 22:52

Usually things told to me in confidence aren't anything to do with dh so i don't mind keeping it in confidence. I'd probably only discuss something in confidence with him if it put me in a difficult position that i need advice from him on. I have a very ungossipy dh and he'd never raise a secret to the original person or anyone else as he respects peoples privacy. I might tell the original person I'd shared something with dh, in the context of "because knowing your secret puts me in a difficult position".
So it's not black and white imo.

OhTheRoses · 01/10/2019 22:58

DH has a job which deals with very confidential information as do I. DD has a secret that I know about. She does not want DH to know, therefore he does not. He probably should but I cannot break her confidence or trust. He would understand.

CucinaBreakfast · 01/10/2019 23:00

I've also been stung by this, as i told my db something that our df had done to upset me (in confidence), he'd told his wife (now ex wife) and she has told my niece and nephew as some form of ammunition against our side and to humiliate me. So worth considering who your dp is and how it might be used against someone in future.

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