Confidentiality and your partner

[saraclara]

Elsewhere on the board, someone has said that it's weird not to tell one's spouse or partner about something that someone else has asked you to keep confidential. Do you agree?

If I confided in a friend about something serious (and, importantly, told them it mustn't go any further), I'd be furious if they told their partner. They are not one person, to me. They might be quite different personalities. I might trust my friend to understand/not to judge, but not their husband/wife. And how do I know the other half won't blab outside the relationship?

Do you tell your partner everything that you're told? Do you expect total confidentiality from friends or do you assume they'll tell their spouse?

If it’s the thread I’m thinking of then I can totally understand why the DH told his wife... the way in which he was told (over the phone - about a family members terminal illness) meant that he pretty much had to tell his wife as she was there while he was taking the phone call, could hear his end of the conversation and could see he was visibly upset.

But then the wife went and told the children which was obviously bang out of order.

To say under those circumstances you’d be “furious” about the DH telling his wife is totally unreasonable. If the family member expected the DH to keep the info entirely confidential then they should have delivered it with a different method and a different time and place.

Depends, if a friend said "dont tell anyone" I wouldn't tell my husband but when friends tell me the day to day dramas of their lives I'll tell him in conversation but he knows not to repeat it to anyone and I wouldnt go repeating anything they've said to anyone else. I hate gossiping but I think secretly my husband enjoys it a bit so I am careful what I say.

He'll tell me most things his friends say but I know not everything. When we were younger, 19/20 hed tell me when his friends were cheating on the girlfriends but now we're in our 30s I'd rather not know as it would make me really uncomfortable.

A friend of mine was cheating on her husband last year, she planned to leave and told me all about it, for months my husband had no clue, after about 5m he started asking questions as he'd heard rumours, but still I played dumb, after another few months SIL asked me directly and I denied it but husband knew I was lying. When we got home i told him the truth, I told my friend straight away that I'd told him but also that I'd sworn him to secrecy. She was gobsmacked but really happy I'd kept it to myself for so long. She said she hadn't expected me to keep it from him

It would depend on the circumstances but in general I would easily keep things from my partner if someone requests that I did so.

It does depend on the circumstance.

I wouldn't ever tell something where the person has said not to tell anyone.

However sometimes at work I'm told something that clearly is not for general gossip, and is quite upsetting/difficult.
I sometimes talk these through with dh, without mentioning names, and for people he doesn't know anyway, because I need to tell someone.
I know he won't tell anyone either.

I think the thread you're referring to is a different thing to a friend telling you something.

If my DH's friend was, say, having an affair or something and it all came out and I found out DH had known but hadn't told me, I wouldn't care. If it was his brother having an affair I would care that he hadn't told me as I would feel as though he was excluding me from 'family business.' That's maybe a poor example however.

Likewise, I would be quite angry if my niece was terminally ill and my DH knew and didn't tell me.

I don't tell my husband everything. Only the really juicy bits .

Seriously though, I don't tell him everything, but then as I do trust him with all of my secrets, I trust him with other people's too.

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely?

I'd tell my partner. I'd trust my partner not to share it.

I'd assume that if I told a friend something in confidence, they'd tell their partner as well.

@WickedLemon and @Wheelson it's not the OP if that thread that I'm referring to. The new information that came to light after my first post indicated the difficulty in that situation.
It was another poster in that thread who expressed incredulity that anyone wouldn't share someone else's confidence with their spouse, that led to this thread.

I don't keep secrets from DH.

They wouldn't be your secrets to tell.

However, it can be sorted quite simply. Just say "keep this confidential, and that includes your OH."

Or, you could just be a good friend and do as you were asked. Or say "Can I tell my DH?" so they are pre-warned that you might blab.

I wouldn't share a friend's confidences with my DH. I trust myself not to share other peoples' things told to me in confidence. I can't 100% say that he wouldn't tell someone else, or let it out by accident - not because I don't trust him, but because you can NEVER say 100% that anyone else will/won't do something.

I do tell DH as sometimes it's good to get an opinion/sound off about whatever the secret is?

I think psychologically it's harder to keep a secret when you can't tell ANYONE so if I tell DH who 100% isn't likely to mention it then don't feel like I'm accidentally going to blurt it out to someone I shouldn't (not sure that makes sense!🤣)

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely?

It's hardly "keeping something from him" when you don't share SOMEONE ELSE'S confidence with him! I would't trust you again if you DID share with him. Someone else's confidences aren't yours to share with anyone.

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely?

Seriously? Do you not understand the difference between your own secrets and something that has nothing to do with you, but has been told to you in confidence by someone else who trusts you not to blab to your DH?

I keep confidences if I am entrusted with them, and that includes DH. He feels the same way, recently demonstrated by the fact that a friend of his (well, mutual, but far closer to DH) who was/is married to someone famous has started an affair with someone else closely linked to a famous person -- DH has known about it for several months, but I found out when I saw a pap photo a couple of weeks ago. (Not UK, so not of any significance to anyone here, but front page news in the country in question). The friend in question had told him in confidence, so he kept that confidence.

What are the big secrets in life though that a friend/family member wouldn't want you tell your DH? Generally aren't they things that they feel guilty about / shouldn't be doing / ashamed about / likely to be judged for? they are the hardest secrets to keep and I'd want a second Perspective on it

It's a lot of pressure on someone to tell them something in confidence and then say they can't ever mention it to someone else? I think it's very unfair. They are telling you to unburden themselves - if it's that much of a secret don't tell anyone

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely?

raspberryk. What? Even if it was something a friend had told you in confidence that had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on your DP?

My friend and I shared pregnancy news early on a need-to-know basis as coincidentally we were away together at the same point in each pregnancy. Neither of us shared the news with our husbands (all mutual friends) and waited until the other was ready to share the news.

Friend's pregnancy was not my news to share. It didn't affect DP to not know for a few more weeks. It's not keeping my own business a secret from him.

I don’t think I ever usually get asked to keep something confidential as my friends know me well enough that I’m not going to go spreading it around. (I’m of the a few close friends rather than socialise with lots variety). I tend to use my own judgement as to whether I can share it with dp and the same when sharing personal/private things about him with a close friend. If I think it would bother either party or embarrass I keep it to myself, if not I might share. For example, both my best friend and dp have difficult family situations. They know about each other’s, mainly through me as it helps to know another person is going through something similar and don’t mind me sharing but I know both would be hurt if I was sharing details with the world. (Let’s not count anonymously on mumsnet!)

What are the big secrets in life though that a friend/family member wouldn't want you tell your DH? Generally aren't they things that they feel guilty about / shouldn't be doing / ashamed about / likely to be judged for?

Not necessarily. I've had people come out to me, one friend say they were asking their spouse for a divorce, one who had a devastating medical diagnosis they didn't want known more widely. I think the trickiest one was someone whose parent wanted to go to Dignitas. Obviously, all or almost all of these things would go on to be widely known, but they weren't telling the world yet.

I don't even tell DP my own stuff. He loves nothing better than to gossip and when I said something about a friend being a bit full on after a few drinks, he threatened to tell her

For me there are some obvious things that women tell there friends that they don’t necessarily want passing on to partners.

‘How was Sheila?’
‘Not too great actually dh. She was telling me all about her terrible endometriosis and how it is causing her severe pain. Her dp is being really unsympathetic and hassling her for sex constantly. It’s hard for her to feel in the mood when she’s bleeding 24/7 and feels like she’s been punched down there’

Would you really need Sheila to tell you not to share this for you to know that she wouldn’t want you to pass this on?

I'm split between two sides tbh. If someone my OH knew told me something and asked me to keep it secret, then I wouldn't tell him. However, if it was someone he's never met, and never likely to meet (an online friend for example) then, yeah, I'd probably blab

What are the big secrets in life though that a friend/family member wouldn't want you tell your DH? Generally aren't they things that they feel guilty about / shouldn't be doing / ashamed about / likely to be judged for? they are the hardest secrets to keep and I'd want a second Perspective on it

Why are they the hardest to keep? Because you want to be a judgy busybody?

And actually no, the things I've been entrusted with haven't been anything to do with poor behaviour on the part of the friend who trusted me. Pregnancy, illness, fears, them having feelings for someone/having lost feelings for someone, intending to apply for/leave a job...any number of life events might count as something that the person doesn't want everyone to know yet.

Furthermore, I've recently been told something about a friend by a mutual friend, that I've known that the confider would never have wanted to go further. In those case I said "I really don't think A would want me to know that. Does she know that you're telling people?"

It didn't go down well, but I don't care. I still can't unhear what I was told. A would be mortified if she knew I had that information.

I generally do tell DH most things if I'm honest. If I tell someone something in confidence, I assume they will share it with their DP. If I don't want their dp to know, I just wouldn't say anything at all.