Confidentiality and your partner

[saraclara]

Elsewhere on the board, someone has said that it's weird not to tell one's spouse or partner about something that someone else has asked you to keep confidential. Do you agree?

If I confided in a friend about something serious (and, importantly, told them it mustn't go any further), I'd be furious if they told their partner. They are not one person, to me. They might be quite different personalities. I might trust my friend to understand/not to judge, but not their husband/wife. And how do I know the other half won't blab outside the relationship?

Do you tell your partner everything that you're told? Do you expect total confidentiality from friends or do you assume they'll tell their spouse?

They are not one person, to me. That's your view of marriage. I don't keep secrets from DH.
Do you honestly not see yourself as a seperate person to your DH?
And it isn't keeping secrets to not Re ite every conversation you've had that day. Do you tell him Jack at work had three cups of coffee and Mary ate all the biscuits and you overheard an old lady on the bus saying she'd run out of incontinence pants and the 4 yo on the bus wants to be a bat when he's older and the bus driver slammed the breaks on too hard etc until you have recounted every single second of your day?? Otherwise you're keeping secrets surely if you have to tell him everything g you know and have heard?

They are not one person, to me.
That'syourview of marriage. I don't keep secrets from DH.

So your view of marriage is that you have some kind of wierd set up where all information must be shared between you regardless of if the other person needed to know?

So, you're a Finance director and your company is going to IPO. Highly confidential and could cost you your job if you leaked it. Do you still tell him?

Or you're an HR manager and investigating a sensitive sexual harassment case. Do you tell your DH all the details because, you know... cant have secrets?

Your sibling confesses that she feels suicidal and is trusting you as a person for her to reach out to and to protect her and not let this get out as 'gossip'. I suppose you'd feel compelled to tell him this too?

That's so pathetic and be honest with yourself, you're using information as salacious gossip to bond with your OH or using it as currency. Not for anything else.

I tell my dp pretty much everything, if he found something I'd kept from him he'd not trust me again surely?
Your husband would no longer trust you if he found out your best friend confided in your about a sexual assault when she was youngerfor example? Because if you could keep such a highly personal and private matter secret for your best friend you're clearly lying to him every second of the day about everything else? I'd consider that massively controlling if him

My god, some people are utterly shit friends. I cannot fathom why they think they have to share with their DP, or have any right to do so.

I ended a friendship of more than a decade when a friend of mine told her husband, in front of me, something I’d confided in her. It was an unforgivable breach of trust and I left her house that night, having told her why I was leaving, and I haven’t spoken to her since.

Why would you share confidential/private information from a friend with a dp especially if was something very sensitive? Some times it can take a lot of courage to talk to someone especially if thing's are not going well.
Most people in a bad situation don't want to be the subject of conversation between friends and dp's or perhaps between other mutual friends.

I have seen friendships end because someone heard back some confidential information they said to the wrong person.
I have one very good friend. Her dp will tell people what she says to him so she tells him very little.
Recently she asked for my help and gave it to her. She knows I won't say what she told me recently. In the past she helped me out a lot and I know if I said don't discuss this with anyone she won't.

I never told my husband anything because he absolutely couldn't be trusted to keep his mouth shut. If he could I would have loved to be able to confide in him and would have. I guess I wish I could have shared everything, but realistically knew that by telling him I was truly betraying the secret teller's trust

No I don't agree. If a friend tells me something personal and in confidence then I don't tell DP. He doesn't need to know, and I'm not a gossip. Years ago recall a group of us at a friend's house, her DH came into the room and made a joke that made it obvious he knew something personal about 1 of our group. Very personal information, she was so upset. We broke away from her after that. I can't stand women who use their friends' secrets as pillow talk. There are other things to talk about and I'd think a man a right idiot if he was into knowing all about my friends' private lives. Albeit I suspect a lot of men don't ask, they're just told

I think it depends on what it is. Dp and I have strict rules because we work together. We have different roles and mine is effectively more senior. That means that I know things that I cannot tell him and he is fine with that.

On the flip side he knows there are certain things I have to respond to in an official way when it might not the best option , he chooses what to share. However we have done this a good while and have both been in an industry that requires confidentiality for over twenty years.

We are crystal clear where the line is that we would need to let the other one know professionally.

It confuses our de facto boss , if dp does something wrong , it took a long way for our boss to realise I would deal with it in the same way I would with anyone else and not pre warn DP. However now it's common knowledge that we are not in a relationship at work...that would not be possible if people thought we discussed everything.

We do have a rule though , if it is something that id genuinely distressing us and we need to talk to each other as partners for comfort we have a code word (which is ridiculous as it is falafel...but that's because it's a word that never ever comes up in the house so it's clearly identifiable)

If one of us says that we can talk without risk of it ever being referred to or repeated outside of us two.

It also depends on what it is , risk to someone else is crossing the line and neither would keep quiet.

I find it weird that some tell each other everything. I don't actively keep things other than at work from DP, but frankly he doesn't care if my friend and her partner are arguing, why would I need to repeat it?

It feels a bit try hard to HAVE to tell your partner everything , a bit like the relationship you have at 17 that you are desperate to be grown up in?

As another pp said if your trust in your relationship is that delicate they would never trust you again, then the trust isn't actually there.

I'd rather have my DP trust that I'm a adult and can make a sensible decision on what to share

As long as the person gives you the option to opt out of hearing said information it is fine. Some people struggle to keep secrets, so why enforce it on them? Sil told me very early on not to tell her things I want to keep quite. Its a personality flaw that she recognised within herself.

I don't share information with anyone unless it's information that leaves me in a difficult situation morally - for example, if you know that a baby is in danger (from, e.g a dangerous man) and you have a dilemma about where to share it further.

I'd usually share such information with my counsellor actually - she can give me a balanced view.

I think it's really important to be careful with information. I know someone who was VERY indiscreet about his ex. Told so much information about her life, her work, her job. Could have got both of them struck off their professional register actually for over sharing (stupid man) And even shared salacious photos and even voice recordings. But actually it says more about him than her - because I think it's safe to assume that if someone is sharing confidential information TO you, they are also sharing confidential information ABOUT you. Why would they treat you any different?

I don't tell OH my friends secrets. They are none of his business!

It depends very much on what I'm being told. But I will always ask if I'm OK to mention to oh rather than just go ahead and talk to him.

He doesn't need or want or care in some cases to know everything that I'm told, and I don't need or want to know every thing that's been said to him.

I was reminded of this thread yesterday.
I picked a friend up to take to an appointment. Shes not a teally close friend but I like her and Dp knows her. I knew she had been in Caracas a child and I knew she had 3csisters but one had died.
We were driving for about 2 hours we talked about family. She told me her sister had been murdered ( I remember the story vaguely from about 28 years ago) she said how the family were torn apart and removed from the parents care as sexual abuse was discovered. It was a highly emotional disclosure and nobody else needs to here this story from me. ( details may be changed to hide identity but the main story us true)
Dh asked how she was, the answer was ' fine' because she is now.

This thread has made me so cross and especially as pp haven’t responded to my questions. I have a very good friend who knows my dh but they are not close. I’m the only person who knows she had an abortion - literally the only person apart from her and the medical people. Would pp tell their dh that?
I shared my story earlier (with some details changed) and my ptsd left me with trust issues. I still genuinely feel I need to ask the 2 friends I told whether they told their dh. I might show them this thread to explain my new found paranoia!!

Would pp tell their dh that?
I wouldnt tryingandfailingin your case I have no need to tell anyone . My role , as a friend would be to support you. it's not my story to share.
I'm not keeping secrets from him because it's not any thing I have done to him or about him or affects him in any way.

I'm sorry my OP has caused you anxiety @TryingAndFailing39

But I think in general, people have answered your question in their general responses to the OP. I'm reassured that the vast majority don't betray confidences to their partners, and even some who've answered honestly that sometimes they might, seem to make an exception for something like you shared with your two friends.

But I'm sure your friends won't mind if you say that you've read something that's worried you, and are they able to reassure you.

No need to apologise saraclara
I’m always anxious!

It’s been an intense and difficult few years and trusting people (aside from my doctor and my own dh) has been a huge issue. This thread has been an eye opener and I’m glad most people would keep a confidence. I’m still fairly horrified that some wouldn’t, especially as they’d have to deliberately bring it up in conversation and tell their dh which is so inappropriate. I guess we all value confidence, friendship and the feelings of other differently.

It depends. If I am specifically asked not to tell him I obviously don't. Ever. If it's something told in conversation to keep to myself then I do. That's the safety of marriage. He won't tell and my close friends know by extension he will be told unless specified and the same with their DH's