Free 'fuck offs' for all. While stocks last

[AtlasObscura]

I've issued two today.

One to my daughters fiancé who has just been caught cheating on her and the other to my drink-driving neighbour who has just reversed through my garden fence.

But I have plenty of fuck offs left so tonight, I'm giving them away for free.

2 per customer while stocks last.

Form an orderly queue please

Can I please have one for the asshat who was beeping, shouting and gesturing at me for stopping at a roundabout. Obviously I'm very unreasonable to give way to the people already on it.

Might I have two fucks for the infection that will most likely be responsible for my husband having another amputation?

(I will take 1.5 if 2 is very greedy)

I have dished out mine for the day as per illustration.

I could do with a fuckoff big Fuck Off to Crohn's and an even bigger one to the DWP.

Can I have 2 in different sizes?
One extra large for the parents waiting for their little darlings to come out of school and block the access to an entire cul-de-sac.
One extra small to the colleague who has handed in their notice leaving me with the other colleague who appears to have specialised in Doing Fuck All.

Just the one for me please, but it does need to be extra sturdy and long lasting.

It's for the looming teenage years which are threatening to swallow my sweet and communicative DD into a murk of social media, peer pressure, apathy, gossip, grunting and general ruin.

I'll be along for a second for DS in a few years.

TIA

Can I please have one for cancer, which my dad has for the second time in 10 years? He starts radiotherapy this week.

And one for the doctors who keep fobbing my mum off with her illness, which has caused her to lose 1.5 stone in 6 weeks because she can't eat anything. They keep passing her from pillar to post and all the while she is getting more and more ill, but no-one seems to care and I feel completely helpless.

Thanks for these, I've used all mine from this year's harvest for work.

and your Brownie thief - I mean who the hell steals brownies hmm

Thank you @AtlasObscura. It is partly my fault. I have brought these brownies in to share with coworkers in the past and they are fantastically soft and chocolaty. They're made by melting bittersweet chocolate chips in a hot (low boiling actually) mixture of melted butter, sugar and water, then adding in a bit of flour and two eggs.

Those who have had the Death by Chocolate brownies crave them ever after.

I have a trivial, almost amusing situation, so I just need a small piece of one: 2 years ago, a bloke at work refused point blank to let one of his team help me, even though it was part of her job to do so (this resulted in stress for me); I now have my own assistant; same bloke emailed me today saying his team member has resigned, so can MY assistant help HIM?

I'll use the other 1.9 of my regulation 2 FOs for my friend's cancer.

Thanks, Atlas. for all those with real problems.

Wow I feel like I need a bucket full but two will do!
One for the managers who gave me a letter of concern for "not fulfilling my role" when I am 11 weeks pregnant and have struggled the last 2+ months to get out of bed let alone be the best customer service servant worker possible! (And they know about the pregnancy).
& the other is for the clique of cunts arseholes whom have seemingly made it their life's mission for me to quit/have a mental breakdown/ split from my partner (generally be miserable for their egos?) at work who make me out to be the bad guy when I'm pretty sure I'm the victim in it all. (Includes the managers so technically they're getting two lots).
I could go on but I'd be here all day! Thanks for the thread, enjoying reading everyone's gripes! Although sympathy to those suffering from grief/cancer... may you come out the other end brighter than before ♥️ xx

Fuck off to the stench of urine coming from my hall and living room. How it can be in the bloddy hall I don't know because it's wooden floors. I have scrubbed and scrubbed the carpet with everything I can think of, it still stinks. I have the living room door shut and can still smell it in the hall, how the fuckity fuck is that even possible!

A big fuck off to the Asda woman who told me they didn't have the reed diffuser I bought in that specific store
...that they've never sold it and it didn't exist alrighty then Janet...it's a figment of my imagination the roses reed diffuser with george clearly written across the front sat in my bedroom? Bought from the only fucking Asda I ever go in......

Leave a few for yourself, OP.

You don't want to end up like this guy.

I'll have one please for anyone tomorrow of my choosing who fucks me off. I've a miserable cold and will just want to be in my bed.

My second one ..... I'll have for my pocket for any bloody cold callers to my home. Why. Just why can't I be brave and just tell them .. fuck right off back up that garden path and let the gate hit your sorry arse as you close it

Actually can i please have another one for performance parenting mums in Costa. Oh my good god wtf is that all about. I don't give a shit if little Timmy knows his colours, I just my coffee in peace so pipe down luv

Can I have one for the neighbour building an extension? They already block up the entire road with their multiple vans and cars, so I can't wait to see the pandemonium that ensues with a bloody extension.

May I please have an XXL one for my exh who is enjoying making my life difficult?

Fuck off to the colleague who chose to disclose something extremely personal about me to a random fucking woman we had both just met

To the boss from whom a lazy arse fish rots from the head culture comes, her long breaks and one hour meetings that mysteriously mean she needs to take a full morning or full afternoon out, doing personal errands in work time and her you can all do what the fuck you want as long as it doesn't affect her day attitude.

The colleague who I still have to be civil and polite to despite her being done for workplace bullying

The fact that it's taking me so long to find someone new because I need to also move house to work where I want

All of it can fuck off

Can I have two please ?

One for the cause of my daughter crying herself to sleep over a fucking boy , and actually can I have an extra large one for the management at work , who , three years , three bloody years after making a decision that has caused 50 percent of the people in my department to leave , because they made working for the organisation so dreadful , they’ve now decided to put the momentous decision back so far it might not happen at all . Having decided now , after several million quids paid to consultants , exactly what we all pointed out three years ago .

They could have paid me 5 grand an hour , plus biscuits and listened , and they could have saved a fucking fortune . Idiots.

Can I have one for my neighbour who has done nothing but rage at his wife since Friday and woke me up at 5 this morning still shouting at her.
Thanks

Do you have any fuck offs left, OP? I'm late to this thread but could really do with an XL fuck off to for bastarding infertility.

And a smaller, but still potent, one for the man swearing at station staff standing right next to my very interested 2-year-old who promptly repeated "bollocks!"

Could I have some please?
I already have quite a few but I’m stockpiling them for Brexit