I wish I'd had girls

[belleandbete]

I know I will get some terrible flaming for this and I probably deserve it, but I'm trying to be honest about my feelings and get past this. I have seen many threads on here recently on gender disappointment/ how great boys are and wanted to add my honest perspective.

I have three DS's, ages 8, 5 and 1. They are all much loved and I am a very involved parent- show an interest in all their activities/ spend one on one time and family time/ play with them/ read with them/ listen to them/ set boundaries/ give consequences/ follow through/ am consistent etc etc They get enough food and sleep and everything else.

But still, life is frequently incredibly tough with them. They are so so so physical and boisterous. They are constantly play fighting/ wrestling/ using anything they can find as a weapon. I find their physicality absolutely exhausting and also, if I'm honest, incredibly offputting. Someone is always always getting hurt. I find most of their interests and activities tedious (I hate sports- they love it. I hate battles and violence and star wars and spaceships and weapons etc etc etc.) . I find the way they play incredibly stressful. They have little to no interest in things like people/ relationships/ friendships etc which were and are my major interests in life. They are often violent/ physical with each other, no matter how clear the consequences. Most of my life is spent telling them to stop/ sit down/ watch out/ get off your brother etc etc. I try to get them interested in things like art/ music/ dance/ reading etc and they take a passing interest but it never really sticks. And contrary to the popular belief that boys are emotionally simple and not complex, this just doens't seem to be true at all in our case. THey have huge tantrums/ meltdowns/ upsets/ anxiety all the time. The eldest is in therapy for anxiety.

I see friends with girls and their lives seem so calm and easy in comparison. Yes there are issues of course, but their interests seem so familiar and fun to me. The energy levels seem so much calmer. the mums seem to have genuine fun and shared interests with their daughters. The girls . seem so much better at resolving conflicts and are almost never violent etc etc. No matter how much I love my boys, and I really really do, I feel life would have been so much easier and nicer if i had had girls (or at least one girl)

I never let them know any of this by the way and go out of my way to make them feel incredibly loved. Is it just me? Anyone have similar or contradictory experiences to share with no judgement?

Girls certainly would've been less complicated from that perspective

Except i believe girls with ASD are usually more severely affected. And yes, the likelihood is reduced, but not eliminated. So girls may have had ASD, possibly more severely.

Part of the issue with gender disappointment is the vision of the child may not live up to reality- because there are so many variables in one human being you won’t get a girl or boy that fits a stereotype completely.

Those who want girls may end up disappointed when the get a sporty, mathematical, computer loving gamer who won’t go shopping and for pamper weekends. If you get a sensitive, quiet loving boy bang goes your visions of Saturdays playing football and cycling holidays.

Part of the issue with gender disappointment is the vision of the child may not live up to reality- because there are so many variables in one human being you won’t get a girl or boy that fits a stereotype completely.

Those who want girls may end up disappointed when the get a sporty, mathematical, computer loving gamer who won’t go shopping and for pamper weekends. If you get a sensitive, quiet loving boy bang goes your visions of Saturdays playing football and cycling holidays.*

That's not really the issue for me, at least. My boys are individuals of course, and have a range of personality traits/ interests some of which I find easier and some more difficult, as would be the case with any theoretical daughter. But as a mother of only boys, I have to deal, on a day to day basis with male socialisation and I find it a generally unpleasant world which is, for me, difficult to navigate. I find female socialisation to be a world I broadly understand and like, with its emphasis on relationships, emotions, non-violence etc etc. So even if any individual daughter was a weapon-toting, sports mad, violent video game loving misogynist, at least the world I and she was dealing with would be pushing her in the opposite direction.

If we are generalising I would say that little boys are more boisterous but teenage girls/young adults are emotionally more demanding than boys.

And be careful what you wish for. A colleague of mine had four boys and often said how much she would love to have had a girl. One of her ( now adult) children is currently transitioning from male to female and whilst they are all fully supportive of her, it has brought a whole new set of difficulties and adjustments for their now daughter and her brothers.

I have had the opposite experience. I have two of each and my boys are by far the easiest. The girls are so loud, boisterous, always seem to be bickering and falling out over silly things. They seem to have so many dramas at school with friends, they can be quite moody too. Also as babies they were the toughest a long stretch.

DS’s are the complete opposite. Quiet, laid back, happy to just get on with things and no drama whatsoever. Not boisterous in the slightest!

I think all children provide an element of difficulty, none of them are perfect and straight forward. I guarantee if you had a girl they would still argue and cause drama from time to time, all children do.

Honestly, I have two of each, mostly grown up, and they are just people. My girls are not particularly girly, my boys are not particularly laddy.

Yes, they like traditionally boy and girl things to some extent; the boys like football, the girls are arty, but they are basically the same sort of people: fairly gentle, kind, funny, surprisingly brave.

As an example, DD had a party at uni, invited DS, who brought along some of his own uni mates. Half way through the night, DS's mate sidles up to him and says, "Mate I'm in love with your sister; she's you, only a girl." Meanwhile two of DD's housemates were vying to cop off with DS because he was, "Just like you babe, only a boy."

Surely the type of person someone is, shines through whatever their sex.

For God sake just be grateful you have healthy happy kids not everyone has that luxury and would love to be In your position makes me so mad when people do this

My sister and I used the kick the shit out of each other, be constantly muddy, not fussed about social gatherings, you've basically described us as kids minus the tantrums. It's nothing to do with gender, it's their personalities. I have one of each, my daughter is calmer but she was an only child for 7 years and had all my attention so it was easier.

@tempnamechange98765
For that very reason I do wish I'd had girls, given the reduced likelihood of ASD. I worry my youngest will have it too, and that'll be it. Two children with ASD and no hope at a "normal" life.

Firstly well done on identifying your sons possible ASD, if he does have it then you have done the best thing possible with early diagnosis. He is lucky to have parents like you.

With regard to your above statement It's now widely believed that Females are actually just as likely to have ASD but it often presents differently to males so are less likely to be diagnosed. ASD in females is often much more complex and leaves many women with ASD (myself included) with complicated and serious mental health difficulties. I think there is a push at the moment to understand more about the differences.
So please don't think he would be neurotypical if he was female. It really doesn't make a difference.

Come spend a day with my dd. She’s all karate, power rangers, “look at this kick/jump/flip” she’s
Knackering. She also extremely emotional and flies off the handle at anything. Ds1 is still my calmest child.

most importantly a wide and deep socialization from parents, peers, books, films, tv, toys and wider culture all of which affects their outlook, behaviour, expectations etc etc

And both girl and boy socialisation can be damaging and needs challenging whenever it's encountered no?

I find their physicality absolutely exhausting and also, if I'm honest, incredibly offputting. Someone is always always getting hurt. I find most of their interests and activities tedious (I hate sports- they love it. I hate battles and violence and star wars and spaceships and weapons etc etc etc.)

That was me as a child and it made me hugely resentful of my dm who wanted a "proper" girl. Every year I asked for stuff like transformers and got barbie instead.

Dh is the youngest of three and the only boy. He's far more emotionally sensitive than either of his sisters despite having been a star wars/start trek/everything is a weapon/climbing on the roof/sport mad boy/teen. I'm still not a "proper" girl and take after my df when it comes to emotional stuff, i.e there are probably dead fish who are better at it than us.

I think the personality comes from theirs genes. DS2 is incredibly gentle and loves reading and quiet games. Has invisible friend babies who sit next to him in the car. and has girls for friends.

Someone I know has 6 boys and desperately wants a girl. I just hope she gives up before baby number 7 starts to form in her mind.

@tinklylittlelaugh I absolutely love that story. your kids sound fab.

Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm thinking and digesting...