I wish I'd had girls

[belleandbete]

I know I will get some terrible flaming for this and I probably deserve it, but I'm trying to be honest about my feelings and get past this. I have seen many threads on here recently on gender disappointment/ how great boys are and wanted to add my honest perspective.

I have three DS's, ages 8, 5 and 1. They are all much loved and I am a very involved parent- show an interest in all their activities/ spend one on one time and family time/ play with them/ read with them/ listen to them/ set boundaries/ give consequences/ follow through/ am consistent etc etc They get enough food and sleep and everything else.

But still, life is frequently incredibly tough with them. They are so so so physical and boisterous. They are constantly play fighting/ wrestling/ using anything they can find as a weapon. I find their physicality absolutely exhausting and also, if I'm honest, incredibly offputting. Someone is always always getting hurt. I find most of their interests and activities tedious (I hate sports- they love it. I hate battles and violence and star wars and spaceships and weapons etc etc etc.) . I find the way they play incredibly stressful. They have little to no interest in things like people/ relationships/ friendships etc which were and are my major interests in life. They are often violent/ physical with each other, no matter how clear the consequences. Most of my life is spent telling them to stop/ sit down/ watch out/ get off your brother etc etc. I try to get them interested in things like art/ music/ dance/ reading etc and they take a passing interest but it never really sticks. And contrary to the popular belief that boys are emotionally simple and not complex, this just doens't seem to be true at all in our case. THey have huge tantrums/ meltdowns/ upsets/ anxiety all the time. The eldest is in therapy for anxiety.

I see friends with girls and their lives seem so calm and easy in comparison. Yes there are issues of course, but their interests seem so familiar and fun to me. The energy levels seem so much calmer. the mums seem to have genuine fun and shared interests with their daughters. The girls . seem so much better at resolving conflicts and are almost never violent etc etc. No matter how much I love my boys, and I really really do, I feel life would have been so much easier and nicer if i had had girls (or at least one girl)

I never let them know any of this by the way and go out of my way to make them feel incredibly loved. Is it just me? Anyone have similar or contradictory experiences to share with no judgement?

Thanks so much for all the replies. I do agree that as individuals gender doesn't matter as much. One on one, each of my boys is quite different and when I really think about it they all have traits/ interests that are more gender neutral or girly. I think they have all got more 'boyish' as they have got older and seen friends into all these things. It definitely feels like a peer group thing with DS1 who was actually quite calm as a toddler (although DS2 has been wild since birth seemingly) . But i think the pack mentality is real. Whenever there are lots of boys together (either siblings or friends etc) it seems like things go wild and crazy very quickly whereas large groups of girls genuinely do seem much calmer to me even if the girls are 'tomboys.' For eg, the girls in my 9 year olds class iwll often sit in big groups and chat, or play quiet games whiel the boys are almost always playing sports or roughhousing in some way. Same with birthday parties. I went to a 9 year old girl's birthday party recently and it was shockingly calm!

I have very boisterous, sporty girls. The house is a constant whirlwind of rough and tumble. My DS is actually comparatively peaceful. One of my daughters does do some quiet "girl type" activities like colouring and playing with little dollies but is also pretty physical and sporty. I only have on DS but I find him the calmest of the lot.

I hear you. I also loathe the way school is set up for boys to fail just because they are not designed to be couped up in a small room all day every day.
If I could, I would take my boys to grow up on an organic farm in the Philippines or something where they can run and be part of nature.
As it is, we are in a small flat in a large city and there is never a day that we are all off when we all stay in all day. I don’t think I could bear it.
I spent most of my childhood coloring, reading and tidying my room. My boys would not do any of this unless I was practically sitting on them and forcing them.

IME your vision of girls sitting around chatting is girls sitting around bitching and ripping each other to pieces, hence why I spent all my time running with the boys. Sooo much more fun!

Such depressing gender stereotypes which are just compounded by parental expectations

Boys in packs are rowdy, noisy and boisterous because they're allowed to be, in ways that girls aren't. People will deny that til they're blue in the face, but it's insidiously.

For example, a few of the stereotypes trotted out on this thread already

Boys won't colour nicely. Boys won't bake cupcakes with Mum.

Fast forward thirty years, and what sex is overrepresented in art galleries? Who is making the most money as a "celebrity chef?"

I have one of each. It's nothing to do with their sex.
12yr old DS is sporty, huffs and shouts about things but is way calmer than his sister.
10yr old DD uses weapons, starts every physical fight, made mud bricks today and was swinging on her pull up bar until 9pm. She broke me years ago.

I have girls and tbh I think they are generally a bit less "energetic" than most of my friends with boys, but I think generally things are hard because you have 3 young children rather than specifically because they are boys.

There is certainly a lot of conflict in my house, although not often physical aggression, but a constant stream of arguments. Also, having girls doesn't necessarily mean you have more in common with them. I think I made that assumption but my eldest DD in particular is so different to me and, like you, I struggle to relate to many of her interests. She is certainly nothing like I was as a child.

Sounds like you do lots of great stuff with your sons. Life is just full-on. It will get easier as they get older. As a very broad generalisation, the teen boys I have known have tended to follow the stereotype of staying in their rooms and only coming out to eat!

Sorry OP but i have to say you are gender stereotyping.
Many girls are like your boys.
Many boys match your “girl” description too.

I also loathe the way school is set up for boys to fail just because they are not designed to be couped up in a small room all day every day

This is utter rubbish.

I have three boys and wouldn’t swap them for the world. They are older than yours, all left school, uni etc now, and they are the greatest of friends. I hear you about the exhaustion, been there and done it. But you just need to wear them out and embrace a new life style. Two of them have always done football, and every after school club. The other was a scout and a dancer. All went through scouting and I became a leader.
Just keep them busy and wear them out. Take them cycling and climbing and camping.
I never got a break, parents would never do more than one night away!
But my boys are happy content funny souls now. By contrast, girls fall out, can be vile,moody. I feel lucky!

And certainly teen boys manage to thwart this stereotype! Sitting in their rooms gaming all day!

Girls are ace. Clever, thoughtful, funny, resilient. Not saying boys can't be, but don't fall for the utter stereotype that girls are bitchy. They are amazing.

I think you are talking about their characters and personalities and not their sex. As PP have outlined, some girls are just like your children and many boys are completely different.

When you think about it, it Does it really make sense to think that half the children in the world are like A and the other half like B? Are all the women you know exactly the same because they have XX and not XY?

You could have had three girls who were high energy, loved sport and fought all the time.

Regretting that you didn’t have a daughter is pointless and will just make you unhappy. And please don’t stereotype your sons - let them be themselves.

Your youngest is only a baby - if you only give him Star Wars toys then OF COURSE that all he will play with . He will copy his older brothers - that’s what’s kids do. That’s common sense, not some kind of destiny based on what’s in his pants.

I have a ds and a dd. I never cared whether I had boys or girls. I will say I love them equally but I understand what you are saying about their physicality. The first ten years of my ds's life were exhausting. Weekends were spent wondering what I could do to burn off his energy. Even in the worst weather when I wanted to chill at home, I had no choice...he had to go out to the park or he'd be bouncing off the walls. Conversely my DD sits for hours playing with her Lego/,dolls house/colouring. It is so much more chilled.

Who is falling for the stereotype that girls are bitchy??? Some girls are and it’s bollocks to deny that - and some aren’t. Some boys are a pain in the arse and some aren’t.

It’s these crappy stereotypes that pigeon hole are children and lead to mums of boys thinking they’ve been shortchanged or thinking they should tolerate unacceptable behaviour because “it’s boys being boys”.

@trewser girls are ace. Clever thoughtful, funny, resilient . Isnt' this also a stereotype?? Surely some girls are all or some of these things and many aren't? Same with boys?

as for the 'people tolerate boys misbehaving and don't tolerate girls behaving like that' - perhaps this is true on a wider level, but absolutely not in my case. I don't 'tolerate' it at all and enforce consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME, totally consistently. I also give tons of positive praise, have tried every behavior system going, read a million parenting books etc etc. and STILL they behave like this all the time. Short of locking them in the attic, what would not tolerating it actually look like? IF these mothers of girls who don't tolerate it have some actual practical advice on this I'd love to hear it!

@formerbabe I have two sons - one is just like your DS and one just like your DD. Gender has fuck all to do with it. Not all boys have boundless energy, some are quiet and studious.

You'll get heaps of posts on here saying "noooo girls are way more violent" and "boys are so lovely/girls are horrible". Which is bs imo. My dc are too young to tell yet. But from what I've seen, your situation tends to be how houses with boys are, especially 3 or more boys. If it's just 1 boy or mixed siblings, that physical/aggressive energy isn't there.

I had a couple of each sex, the boys were pretty wild, and my oldest girl was very calm and gentle. I do think in general girls are calmer. However, my youngest DD nearly drove me to drink though.

It was like having an energetic sheepdog on speed. Needed constant stimulation and hardcore sports. If she was bored for 1 minute she’d start to pick physical fights or look to do something dangerous. We once had to call an ambulance 3x in one week because of her shenanigans

Hi OP, I can offer a different perspective here due to age variances. My DD is 21 and I had her when I was 29. She's been a sodding handful. She's been hormonal since she was born, she never wanted to do anything that was normal for a small girl child , she's bright, intelligent, has her own mind but she was never an "involved" child if that makes sense? She has now left home for uni and is doing a fashion degree. Our relationship has been difficult to say the least. I was 50 on Friday and she came out with my friends to celebrate last night. That is literally the first time she has been engaged and we had a lot of fun and I had a secret cry that things are finally "normal" between us.

When I was 42, I had DS. I am now 50, he is 8. He is also autistic and awaiting assessment for ADHD. He has been an utter joy. This child can't sit still, he needs to be out and doing something all the time. I am feeling it, physically, but he keeps me very fit and he loves more than anything spending time with me, total opposite to DD. He can be as you describe your boys, but less so when his sister is away. I have discovered a different side to parenting that I didn't imagine I'd have to deal with.

Ultimately, I sound like I am favouring one over the other, that is very much not the case, but I think it's a mistake to wish for one over another..that is my point. I have had a far easier time with my boy with all his issues than I've had with my girl. I am absolutely sure your issue is that you have mutiple boys behaving as boys do. Hard hard hard work. However, you would have had an entirely different but equally challenging situation with girls. The 13 year gap with my two has given me that perspective. And actually, just for the sake of equality, my two have fought like cat and dog over the holidays, I get annoyed with both of them...she should know better, she should make allowances for his autism...he also needs to understand the word 'no' when he's on a repetitive loop of annoyance and quite frankly there have been recent times when I wish I had no children at all.

Your life will improve, they will be great friends going forward...I do hear you though

I can’t imagine having girls now that i have boys. But I agree that parenting girls is a whole different experience to parenting boys. Everything in our house gets broken, taken apart, used as weapons. It’s exhausting but I can’t really remember my old life at this point.

@formerbabe I have two sons - one is just like your DS and one just like your DD. Gender has fuck all to do with it. Not all boys have boundless energy, some are quiet and studious

Yes, some. But the vast majority from my experience are very energetic, boisterous and physical. I once had four of my son's friends round after taking them out for his birthday...I genuinely thought my ceiling was going to cave in as I discovered them playing football in his bedroom!

Are all the women you know exactly the same because they have XX and not XY?

Not exactly the same of course, but yes they often do act similarly. That's why people most often find that their closest friends are the same sex. Another example is this forum. It's no coincidence that it's mostly women, talking about things that interest them. Forums that men mainly post on wouldn't appeal to most here.

Thats not to say that either men or women are better. But they do behave differently on average. Being male or female is more than just "what's in your pants". It's in every cell of your body and affects every behaviour.

I don't mind not having boys. Never felt I'd missed anything.