I wish I'd had girls

[belleandbete]

I know I will get some terrible flaming for this and I probably deserve it, but I'm trying to be honest about my feelings and get past this. I have seen many threads on here recently on gender disappointment/ how great boys are and wanted to add my honest perspective.

I have three DS's, ages 8, 5 and 1. They are all much loved and I am a very involved parent- show an interest in all their activities/ spend one on one time and family time/ play with them/ read with them/ listen to them/ set boundaries/ give consequences/ follow through/ am consistent etc etc They get enough food and sleep and everything else.

But still, life is frequently incredibly tough with them. They are so so so physical and boisterous. They are constantly play fighting/ wrestling/ using anything they can find as a weapon. I find their physicality absolutely exhausting and also, if I'm honest, incredibly offputting. Someone is always always getting hurt. I find most of their interests and activities tedious (I hate sports- they love it. I hate battles and violence and star wars and spaceships and weapons etc etc etc.) . I find the way they play incredibly stressful. They have little to no interest in things like people/ relationships/ friendships etc which were and are my major interests in life. They are often violent/ physical with each other, no matter how clear the consequences. Most of my life is spent telling them to stop/ sit down/ watch out/ get off your brother etc etc. I try to get them interested in things like art/ music/ dance/ reading etc and they take a passing interest but it never really sticks. And contrary to the popular belief that boys are emotionally simple and not complex, this just doens't seem to be true at all in our case. THey have huge tantrums/ meltdowns/ upsets/ anxiety all the time. The eldest is in therapy for anxiety.

I see friends with girls and their lives seem so calm and easy in comparison. Yes there are issues of course, but their interests seem so familiar and fun to me. The energy levels seem so much calmer. the mums seem to have genuine fun and shared interests with their daughters. The girls . seem so much better at resolving conflicts and are almost never violent etc etc. No matter how much I love my boys, and I really really do, I feel life would have been so much easier and nicer if i had had girls (or at least one girl)

I never let them know any of this by the way and go out of my way to make them feel incredibly loved. Is it just me? Anyone have similar or contradictory experiences to share with no judgement?

Why on MN do posters think girls are amazing as children can't do no wrong etc. Me and my brother fought like cat and dog, we bickered non stop, we wrestled... All my girlfriends had similar childhoods with siblings. I also had no girlie interests either as a child apart from dancing. I played footballs went football with my dad and wasn't interested in stereotypically girlie things.

I get what you mean about gender disappointment to an extent. My children are the same age as yours but my youngest is a girl. Honestly, when I was pregnant with the 3rd, I was really hoping for a girl and was seriously thinking about whether we'd try again if it was a boy.

But of my three, my eldest boy was/is the easiest, gentlest, most likely to sit at a table drawing, reading, doing lego.
My girl is by far the most physical, tantrummy and violent toddler I've had.

Some of what you complain about is just having three young children. My three are absolutely wild together. My girl particularly needs to be outside burning off energy every day. We split them up as much as possible on the weekends and one of us takes one and the other the other two.

My girl's biggest interests at the moment are dinosaurs, cats and biting other children so she's not a great advert for girls being sweet, easy and quiet!

thinking about it - I probably has as many visits to a & e as my son when I was growing up & I think he had a season ticket! As for my dd arguments - Oh my lord & what happens at school - girls fall out with friends than their besties etc - mostly boys play football etc. & don't have the arguments

Honestly, my sister and I spent our entire childhoods walloping each other, playing with horses and becoming completely filthy, making dens and treehouses, trying to tame wild animals, having roaring fights etc. By contrast my very academic and studious brother was usually quietly reading indoors, writing stories, playing on the computer or hanging out with my mum.

Having girls is no guarantee of calm, peaceful, emotionally adept children. Your children have the personalities they do because of who they are as people, not because of them being boys.

I do sympathise. Honestly, though, my 6 and 3yr old DDs are so fucking physical. They were both on the move by 6 months and haven’t stopped since. The big one can not sit still. She jumps, swings, climbs me etc. Im covered in bruises. They attack each other. They play fight all the time - branded as “dance fights”, sure, but no less painful for it.. they have to be exercised like dogs, yes. It’s a particular kind of child thing, IMO, rather than a sex difference.

The only difference I can see between them and my friend’s sons are that I have spent many, many hours, months, years trying to encourage quiet activities like colouring, playdough, threading beads etc. It’s finally starting to pay off and my friend sighs sadly if she sees them colouring. But she doesn’t even have felt tips in her house.

I know this is anecdata. But read Delusions of gender by Cordelia fine - she’s a neuroscientist who writes about sex differences (or not). It won’t stop you wishing you also had a girl but it’s a great read and eye opening re how we selectively interpret behaviours according to what we expect to see.

Not all boys are the same. My son now 40 was quiet and thoughtful and is now a professional artist. He never played with guns as he always preferred just to draw and paint. He was an only child though and I think 3 boys would wind each other up.

I just had my second boy. Honestly, I think I wanted a girl for my first & it was one of many factors which triggered my PND. However, DS1 is now 3 & he’s completely changed my mind on boys. Yes he’s boisterous, loves vehicles of any kind, plays with anything which transforms from one thing to another, & needs a good run out in the garden daily. But he’s also a complete mummy’s boy & tells me he loves me all the time (not just to get a biscuit). Today I’m nearly 3 weeks post partum after DS2, & I was wearing some new leather leggings & wasn’t sure if I looked ok until DS1 told me I looked beautiful 😍

My 3 girls have a love/hate relationship. One minute they are having great fun together abscond the next they are walking the hell out of each other. Blood has been drawn on one or two occasions. They can say really mean things to one another sometimes, they can also be really lovely when they want to be. I often think boys are so much more straightforward!

Three children though, three children is the tipping point I think.

I spend so much of my life shouting "no sticks in the house! No biting! STOP JUMPING ON THE SOFA!! I don't care what he did, if no-one's bleeding I don't want to know".

It wasn't like this with one lovely, gentle little boy. It wasn't as bad as this with two boys. But three children is just constant physical chaos. And the toddler (girl) is the worst

Second this:

read Delusions of gender by Cordelia fine - she’s a neuroscientist who writes about sex differences (or not). It won’t stop you wishing you also had a girl but it’s a great read and eye opening re how we selectively interpret behaviours according to what we expect to see.

Hate to say it but my two DDs are just like your boys but with the inability to control their very sensitive emotions thrown in.

It's like living with Tasmanian devils on their period.

They're 4 and 3 and just completely boisterous and wild and loud and messy and they fight and pick on each other.

They're also loving and are best friends amongst the insanity but don't assume that having girls would be much of a different experience.

I often wonder how on earth my friends daughters are so calm and sweet. I can't believe they enjoy sitting and doing crafts etc when my girls just smear each other with paint. It's about temperament not gender.

I'd have hated to be your daughter, I have very little interest in the things you consider to be girly, I love sports and so does my sister, we both grew up competing at high levels.

In a sweeping generalisation... I think as your children get older you'll see your life get easier and your friends with girls get harder. I have one of each and older than yours, the girls teenage years are much more exhausting than the boys was.

My son is very chilled out and loves sitting drawing with me and baking etc My daughter is the wild one

Two of each here... and all totally different.
DD1...nightmare child from day 1. ADHD (medicated still as an adult)
DD2... calm, empathetic colouring, reading, easy child.
DS1 wild boy
DS2 gentle, passive autistic

The girls however put holes in a wardrobe during a fight over clothes.
DS1 was on first name terms at the local minor injuries unit for many years...

Teens... DS1 absolute nightmare... you name it, he did it
Girls... lots of groundings for getting drunk.

Now? A bunch of calm, loving, hard working young adults who have found their passions in life...a doctor, a nurse, a TA for children with disabilities (DS2 still a gentle autistic man) Their gender/sex had nothing to do with how they turned out... it is their personalities. DD1 is still bonkers frankly :) (but a bloody good doctor)

Neither sex is 'easier'

such interesting perspectives, thank you.

I have read delusions of gender and think it's brilliant. But even she admits that there are some differences between the sexes. There are plenty of studies that show that boys engage in more rough and tumble play, as do male mammals of most species (and when scientists manipulate the fetal testosterone of female rats they also get more rough and tumble) so I don't think it is fully socialised. Although these are obviously averages and don't apply to every child.

This post is so sad! I totally understand a bit of gender disappointment when pregnant if you had a preference but once that baby's born I can't even fathom how you could be disappointed in you're own child's sex. I have a baby boy and he's my pride and joy and I cannot wait for the rough and tumble days and adventures, play fights and whatever else will make him smile. Instead of looking at what you don't have, take an interest in their interests, you're a mum of 3 boys you're blessed, and need to get into their world. All kids play fight and argue with their siblings it makes no odds what sex! If you had a little girl she'd be rough and tumble just like her brothers.

If I could, I would take my boys to grow up on an organic farm in the Philippines or something where they can run and be part of nature.

^

Same.

DS should have grown up on a farm, in the 1940's, with 3 older brothers.

I wonder if you are sad about to not being quite how you imagined? I don't think that having girls would have guaranteed you any of the experiences you described.

@stompythedinosaur . it's definitely true that there is sadness about it not being how I imagined. I actually (unusually it seems for MN) didn't have gender disappointment and was happy to have three boys. I assumed it would be no different to having girls. But I have been very very surprised by their 'boyishness' and . how hard I find it.

I found my daughter’s games tedious, and she demanded a lot more of my attention. My son was just more fun and easy going really.

I think as others have said you can’t necessarily stereotype boys as individuals but when in groups (be it friends or siblings) they do seem to act in a much more boisterous way.

I have 1 ds and 3 step sons, the boys range in age from 10 to 4.

Boy 1- Loves climbing and typical boy traits but also happy to spends hours drawing or doing quiet activities and has been like this a long time. Also very talkative,demanding of attention and sensitive.

Boy 2- typical boy,very cheeky and likes winding everyone up. Can’t do an Activity alone for more than 10 minutes as needs to be running around. Very loving.

Boy 3- Very quiet and thoughtful,happy to sit quietly and do puzzles or gaming,loves nature and dinosaurs but hates getting dirty, incredibly sensitive.

Boy 4- loves pink and glitter and is crazy about mermaids and frozen. Very rarely plays with ‘boys’ toys if alone. Happy to sit quietly for long periods and is incredibly gentle.

On they’re own they are all quite easy,engaging children who are completely different from each other and two of them at least I would say do not fit typical ‘boy’ stereotypes BUT get them all together or a combination of more than 2 and it is like a tornado has hit the house. All of them just change instantly and it’s constant fighting (real and play) jumping on and off everything,using weapons, shouting and screaming in a way I just cannot imagine a group of girls would act. I do have a baby dd though so it will be interesting to see if she also throws herself into the pack mentality when she’s older!

My DD is way more fiesty that my DS! Sorry!

for you belle
I just want to let you know, that the daughter of your imagination almost certainly would not be your daughter in reality.
If I had the choice of having 3 boys or 3 girls, then I would have 3 boys.
I hope this feeling fades for you. I think it will.

Hmm I have three DS and 1 DD. I find my boys far more straight forward. They all play sport, have friendship groups with no dramas. My DD was a nightmare, always falling out with her friends, nasty comments on insta or snap, friendship groups changed every few months. Dramas! Oh yes she loves playing her piano and cello and would appear to be a lovely young lady. But my word she slaps and hits her younger brother and is really quite cruel with her words and devious to boot. Where as the boys are a bit like what you see is what you get.

My boys like craft, painting, books, climbing etc on playground, Lego, dancing, making up stories, playing with baby teddies, riding scooter etc. Bit sexist to think your sons' preferences are due to their sex.