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Original poster

Advice please-other parents prolonging good byes

95 replies

Celb · 07/09/2019 04:36

I’m struggling to sleep. My lb started reception class Wednesday. He settled really well until yesterday when I was told he was upset because he couldn’t see me at the window. Basically all of the other parents stand at the window checking on their kids once they’re in the classroom. I think this isn’t fair on the children particularly the ones struggling to settle and have explained to him i won’t be doing it. Now they’re behaviour has unsettled my little boy. Even if you take away the fact it prolongs the good bye how would they feel all of these people staring at them through the window making it darker and more oppressive. My friend even said its a bad idea then does it. Am I being unreasonable? I mean when does it stop, then there’s another separation step for them. Should I talk to the school? Thank you. Sad for my little boy. :-(

OP posts:

Lovelybaba · 07/09/2019 05:15

If your little one is getting upset and unsettled in class. Surely it would be beneficial to stay an extra minute to smile at him through the window to reassure him he's okay. If he sees others parents doing it and not you that's what could be upsetting to him.
Or you could speak to the teacher try and stop all parents doing it, if it's disrupting the class.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 07/09/2019 05:21

I agree with above poster.

A extra minute if your time for your lb is nothing if he is feeling like 'why do all the other mummies and daddies stay and watch but my mummy leaves'

I know you dont want a separation issue.. but swinging to far the other way and cause one also.

You're lb is only young. In his mind, you dont love him as much as the other mummy's when you leave.

Hangingtrousers · 07/09/2019 05:25

You are def in the right op
I teach Reception and would be pulling the blind down on the parents at the window... Crazy!

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Russell19 · 07/09/2019 05:33

I do the same as above poster, shut all the blinds. It's unbelievable some parents knock, take photos through the window, shout through open windows, try and pass things through. Its awful, does the children no favours.

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 05:40

I can see where you are coming from but I would briefly wave goodbye to him through the window. He is probably bothered because he assumes all the other parents do it but not his own mum - although obviously only some of them do it. If it is still worrying him after that, then I would mention it to his teacher. Likewise, if they are still doing it after next week I would say something.

Sometimes children start Reception class OK and then become unsettled when they realise this isn't a one off and they will be going to school every day.

I think you are absolutely right, the prolonged goodbye is not helpful for any of the children. But this settling in period is pretty brief and he will probably be fine in a few days. Unless the school have told you differently, I expect he is upset for a few minutes and then is caught up in the start of the day. I wouldnt worry to much or overthink it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 06:13

Dd was the child who found it most difficult to settle out of all the class - as in it continued through a lot of yr1. Waving at the window was part of the ritual to assist dd to feel ready to say goodbye. You not waving at the window means you’ve made your ds feel unloved and not listened to. YABU. You don’t have to bang on the window or take pics. Just wave, blow a kiss and walk away.

pictish · 07/09/2019 06:27

Yabu...not because I think parents should be looking in at the window especially...but because you’re being dramatic, describing them as dark and oppressive there and feeling sad for your little boy because of it.

Pull yourself together. He’ll be fine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 06:34

I hadn’t really thought that much about the dark and oppressive comment when I posted. You sound like a bit of a drama queen. The children are just doing a “look at me” moment. Some are proud to be there, some need the reassurance. It’s waving at the window of school, not kindertransport.

Sleephead1 · 07/09/2019 06:42

Oh wow we all still have at the window in year 1 all the parents do it. We won't be able to in year 2 but its lovely to see all the little faces, smiling and waving ect I really dont see why you cant give him a 2 quick little wave if it makes him happy

Blankiefan · 07/09/2019 06:43

YANBU. I'm surprised the nursery haven't had a word with the parents to get them to jog on. Speak to the staff.

Myriade · 07/09/2019 06:44

MummyLittleDragon, there is a difference between waving goodbye quickly through the window and standing (for ages?) at the window.

The OP refers to the second behaviour. Can you imagine if 30 parents were doing that? There would be no space for them all, some children wouldnt be able to see their parent etc....
This is not a behaviour that is helping the children (or the teacher).

A quick wave at window is a different ball park. And I can understand that for a child that really struggles to settle down. But tbh NOT for all the children. I suspect this would actually make things worse for some of them (see previous com ents about ‘why is tommy’s Mummy waving at the window and not mine? Where is my mum, she has forgotten me’ )

Original poster

Celb · 07/09/2019 06:50

Wow. What a lot of supportive mums you are. I have all the time in the world for my son. What assumptions you make! Thank you so much for judging me (completely incorrectly) and I will not be asking for help on this forum again.

OP posts:

Artesia · 07/09/2019 06:50

You not waving at the window means you’ve made your ds feel unloved and not listened to.

A bit harsh and overreaching there I think. What about parents who don’t have time to lurk around peering through the window because they are rushing to work, or have other children to drop off? Are they inflicting mental scars too??

I agree with OP, once children have been handed over parents should disappear. Dragging it out makes it so much harder for everyone. If I were the teacher it would drive me potty.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2019 06:52

That's a bit dramatic OP, you asked in your OP if you were being unreasonable so posters gave their opinion.

Personally I think the people standing at the window making it oppressive is very dramatic.

How long are they at the window? How many minutes?

Original poster

Celb · 07/09/2019 06:53

Thank you. It only worries him for a second yesterday and he was soon fine. As you can see by me being worried about this I am a very caring mum and to be honest feel sick from the other comments trying to me so thank you for understanding and showing kindness.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2019 06:53

@Myriade How do you know? The OP hasn't said how long the parents are at the window for.

Original poster

Celb · 07/09/2019 06:55

Mothership4two
Today 06:53 Celb

OP posts:

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 06:56

Err thanks @Celb - I am really glad I made an effort to sensibly answer your post

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 06:57

Sorry crossed post!

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 07/09/2019 06:58

Op you are very defensive. Chill out. That might help things all round.

Original poster

Celb · 07/09/2019 06:59

You not waving at the window means you’ve made your ds feel unloved and not listened to.

Spare two minutes for your child etc

Not over dramatic. I value opinions but not rude judging unhelpful remarks.

OP posts:

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 07:00

If you are only talking seconds, then he is pretty well adjusted and he's fine.

Enjoy this time, it whizzes past!

highlandcoo · 07/09/2019 07:01

OP I get what you are saying. This happened at my kids' school and it was nonsense. Having managed to part from mum, dad or whoever, the little ones would have been better left alone to settle and focus on the teacher without the distraction of a bunch of adults peering in.

However the problem is it's up to the school to stop it. Because if most parents are there and you're not, your DS will inderstandably be searching for you in the crowd. Have a word with the school to ask whether they'll be ending this shortly, but if not you may have to suck it up and give him a quick wave even if it doesn't feel like the best idea.

Original poster

Celb · 07/09/2019 07:01

Mothership4two me too. Thank you

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 07:01

Myriade
In a lot of schools children have to hang up their coats, bags and in some schools change their shoes in the cloakroom before entering the classroom. In general little kids are ridiculously slow at doing this which will result in parents lingering for some minutes before their child appears. They’re not necessarily prolonging goodbyes, just waiting to wave. It’s the start of separation rather like the first time when I allowed dd to go to the park by herself and she rang me ever 20 mins to tell me she was ok and where she was.

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