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Original poster

Advice please-other parents prolonging good byes

95 replies

Celb · 07/09/2019 04:36

I’m struggling to sleep. My lb started reception class Wednesday. He settled really well until yesterday when I was told he was upset because he couldn’t see me at the window. Basically all of the other parents stand at the window checking on their kids once they’re in the classroom. I think this isn’t fair on the children particularly the ones struggling to settle and have explained to him i won’t be doing it. Now they’re behaviour has unsettled my little boy. Even if you take away the fact it prolongs the good bye how would they feel all of these people staring at them through the window making it darker and more oppressive. My friend even said its a bad idea then does it. Am I being unreasonable? I mean when does it stop, then there’s another separation step for them. Should I talk to the school? Thank you. Sad for my little boy. :-(

OP posts:
MotherTime3 · 07/09/2019 08:04

Bloody lol I can’t believe the school allow this. I’m genuinely in shock, both at that, and of the posters who think it’s a good idea. I would be speaking to the school on Monday.
What a child needs to know is that you will come back. Prolonging the goodbye makes it more difficult to understand for some.
Personally the minute mine are over the threshold, I have to run, because I start work at the same time as school starts. They’ve never had issue with it

Original poster
Celb · 07/09/2019 08:09

Youjustdoyou thank you. I will

OP posts:
Original poster
Celb · 07/09/2019 08:10

Louloubelle78 thank you

OP posts:

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Original poster
Celb · 07/09/2019 08:11

Mothertime3 thank you

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 07/09/2019 08:14

I agree it's not helpful to wave at the window and just distracting for the children at a point the teacher is trying to settle them in. I've always done kiss and cuddle then in and I leave but I know some parents lingered on. My dc are now 11 and 8 and definitely feel safe and loved. But then I never got the whole thing about parents crying when dc start school.

Op, it's a good way to work out which parents you're unlikely to gel with! I'd speak to ds and explain that you love him and do your goodbyes with him rather than through the window, then he'll know not to look for you.

Pud2 · 07/09/2019 08:17

I used to teach in reception and it drove me mad when the parents all lingered, looking through the window. It was like being in a goldfish bowl and it really didn’t help the children who were a bit wobbly. It made it much harder to settle the children and just prolonged it all. I think it’s much better if parents say goodbye and then go.

Sewrainbow · 07/09/2019 08:18

When mine started reception, they asked parents not to do this, saying its better for kids etc

So I kissed mine goodbye and went despite wanting to look. Bloody annoyed me to then find parents staring in and waving when they were asked not to, in the end I think they shut blinds. We all want our children to be secure, its special for everyone but some people still think their feelings are more important than everyone else!

Yanbu OP and people who are saying you aren't giving time to your child are be ridiculous and unreasonable.

EmilyStar · 07/09/2019 08:19

I’m with you on this OP.

IMO my DC have generally settled faster in nursery and school when I’ve done the goodbyes quickly and just gone.
I’ve noticed that my DC seem to find it harder on the times when goodbyes have been longer - say when I’ve been hanging around for longer because I needed a word with the teacher about something.

I don’t think the whole waiting at the window thing would have been helpful for them, and it’s not something that went on at either of the schools we’ve been to.

Having said that though, if all the other parents are doing it, I can see how some children might feel left out if their parent isn’t doing it. But I think I’d want to know if the school’s planning on letting this continue indefinitely first before joining in. Maybe try the secret handshake sort of goodbye a PP suggested?

LittleMissEngineer · 07/09/2019 08:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

gamerwidow · 07/09/2019 08:25

OP people are going to parent differently from you and you need to have confidence in your own choices without worrying about what other people are doing.
Don’t speak to the teacher about what the other parents are doing it’s none of your business and if it bothers her she’ll sort it out herself.
Don’t join the other parents waving if you think it’s stupid, why make yourself part of the problem?
Just carry on doing what you think is best.
You said yourself your DS is only bothered for a minute so really it’s a non issue.

Sittinonthefloor · 07/09/2019 08:27

I’ve taught reception and this would have been a nightmare and totally unsettling for the children. I wouldn’t normally advocate chatting to the teacher about other parents but in this case I think you should- and she or he may well be grateful to know that some of the parents also find it a pita. And of course your child doesn’t feel ‘unloved’ if you’ve explained that you do your good byes in the proper way and the other parents are just being nosey.

gamerwidow · 07/09/2019 08:29

Ps fwiw I always dropped DD off then walked straight away even if she was crying. She always gets anxious at new situations and the longer you prolong the experience the more upset she gets. Even now age 9 she still cries on the first day back after the summer holidays when I go. Better to just keep everything light and normal rather than making it into a big palaver.

Sittinonthefloor · 07/09/2019 08:31

If you say to the teacher ‘just wanted to let you know that xxx is feeling a bit sad that I’m not waving through the window every day, but I’ve explained that we say goodbye at the door and then I’ve got to go.’ Then the teacher will be able to support him/ reinforce your message & you haven’t actually criticised the other parents at all.

Milicentbystander72 · 07/09/2019 08:33

YANBU

My dcs are teenagers now but I'm so glad that I'm Primary most classrooms were on a raised platform (is a row of classrooms on a higher level with steps up) where the teacher greeted them fb they went in. Parents weren't allowed up the steps unless exceptional circumstances, and they also weren't able to look through the windows.
In the older years of Primary the classroom door was down a path, through a small garden. The rule was that the parents had to wait at the garden gate.

It worked really well.

I agree it doesn't help the majority of the children to settle.

I do remember a few school trips where the most helicopter parents actually followed in the car and followed around all day. They weren't official helpers or volunteers, they just wanted to spy. Crazy.

In their week long school camp in Y6 we had much wailing and knashing at the school gates. Facebook blew up with parents competing about who missed their child the most - not sleeping, heartbroken, ill with worry, can't work etc etc. It's nuts.

You have the right approach OP. You'll have a good attitude going forward through school.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2019 08:34

I think the school will stop patents doing this soon, they need children to learn to settle quickly.

happycamper11 · 07/09/2019 08:35

Speak to the school. YANBU, the other parents are and I'm sure any teacher will echo this!

chipsandgin · 07/09/2019 08:39

Our school didn’t allow it thankfully as I’m pretty sure there would have been a few parents that would have set up camp for the day, or spent the whole day holding hands through the window!

Happily saying goodbye is a very positive sign from your son that he feels secure in himself. Tell him you’re really proud of him!

I’m amazed your school allows this prolonged goodbye - really glad ours didn’t! I’d have a word with the teacher/head, it must take so long to settle them and any kids that are going to be upset when their parents leave are going to be upset when they leave regardless (I’ve seen a few over the years but they are usually discreetly outside or in the corridor & the other kids are just getting on with their stuff whilst the teacher or TA helps & encourages them in).

Lining up to go in then everyone waving goodbye and then parents going works. As does a mass goodbye or an activity which starts ‘after all the mummies and daddies have left we’ll....say goodbye everyone’ big wave and off they go..

I’m guessing it’s the lingerers first time - saying goodbye to their PFBs!

369thegoosedrankwine · 07/09/2019 08:39

I honestly don't think your little boy will feel less loved in life or general because you didn't wave at the window. This might feel like the biggest issue right now but you sound like a solid mum who knows what's right for her son so stick to it.

FWIW I agree with you prolonged goodbyes are never a good idea. They're more for the parents than the children IMO. Your ds will be fine.

I worked so often didn't pick up or drop off in reception to do any wave. My ds's are totally loved and amazing boys.

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2019 08:42

You’re so right. How infuriating for the teacher and how short sighted of the parents.Much kinder to kiss goodbye and go and much more likely to result in a confident child.

0blio · 07/09/2019 08:44

I can't believe the school allows this. When mine were at primary, after the first day parents weren't allowed through the school gate!
You're doing the right thing OP, the other parents are barking mad and if I was the teacher I'd be stamping down hard on this.

I'm absolutely astounded some schools have to have closed blinds to stop parents peering in the windows!

IncrediblySadToo · 07/09/2019 08:47

You’d love my friends school, the parents are encouraged to stay in the cksssroom for the first 30/60 minutes, longer if they want to and this is through all the years.

Despite it being tricky once someone has more than one child, it’s still encouraged

It’s bstshit

As is the window performance. There’s just no need. At some point the parent needs to leave, it might as well be when you’ve given them a hug and said goodbye

SoyDora · 07/09/2019 08:52

You’d love my friends school, the parents are encouraged to stay in the cksssroom for the first 30/60 minutes, longer if they want to and this is through all the years

What, every day?! Or just the first day of term?

Pippapotomus · 07/09/2019 08:56

It's certainly worth mentioning it to the teacher. They might be able to have the curtains/blinds shut first thing. They probably already find it annoying.

One year a teacher had words with the whole class of parents staring in though the window at the end of the day. It made her feel like she was in a fish tank.

Starlight456 · 07/09/2019 08:57

We used to have it at primary. The parents were locked out the playground and stood at the gates waving as children walked past with their teachers . I hated it felt like the children were in prison ( my feelings)
Ds knew I didn’t wait there. He just got on with his day.

It’s early days op. I heard reception parents at drop off second day , we had to just leave them at the door. Some parents are struggling with the separation. It soon calms

notso · 07/09/2019 08:58

You not waving at the window means you’ve made your ds feel unloved and not listened to.
What a shitty thing to say.

As a former nursery nurse and TA I am fully aware of how lingering parents prolong the upset if the children. They just need to say goodbye and go.
It's hard if the children are upset but it does zero favours for the child and if for some reason they don't see the parent or forget to look then they can remember later in the session and get upset then.

I would speak to the teacher and say the lingering is needlessly upsetting your son. The staff are probably sick of it anyway.