Cliquey school mums unfriendly and blank me

[Yvie33]

I’m actually dreading the start of the autumn term tomorrow. My child is in year 2. During school run I smile and say good morning, but often I’m not able to do this as certain mums deliberately blank me. Yes I know it’s just the school run drop off yada yada - however I can’t lie, it certainly gets me down, I can’t pretend to fiddle with phone until bell rings or come just as school is starting. It is now getting to me. The dads are ok I’ve noticed, but the women are cold and make bitchy comments. I’ve now noticed even my daughter is not invited to many parties, and feel so bad for her as she’s a pleasant girl. I’m a not a loud person, but I am very friendly. I hate being alone and left out. Anyone else experiencing this? Please get in touch x

Oh Lord, this happened to me (in Spain)

The rudeness was horrendous and I kept trying for years...
At 10, DD walked alone, I will never see those women again.

OP the trick is to NOT try to not give a shit, I only know this in hindsight. Honestly, really try not to care. But I know how it all builds up, the anxiety.

I'm not sure about the adults blanking you bit because people do that to me too. I don't care though and gave up trying to interact with the other parents years ago. Are they actually making bitchy comments about you or do you just feel as though they are?

The bit about your dc not being invited out: in my experience, both as a teacher and as a parent, it gets better as they get older because parents have less influence over who their children are friends with. As long as the children they choose to befriend aren't either living miles away or absolute arseholes they generally then arrange going out to play after school between themselves and parents just let them get on with it if that makes sense.

I get this too, I just keep reminding myself that school and playground politics is for children. If other parents want to behave like they're back in school that's up to them, I'm just there to drop off and pick up. Its not easy, I do wonder why they behave the way they do but I don't need any drama so just ignore the childishness completely and carry on with my own business.

I’ve never understood this. How can adults behave that way?

Horrible isn't it? The only parent who used to talk to me at my daughter's primary school was one of the Polish dads. I just stopped smiling or talking to the other mums in the end.

I honestly don’t understand why you care if people don’t want to say hello, you don’t know these people! You’re only in their company for a few minutes each day, why get hung up on it?

Your daughter is separate, I can see why it would be upsetting for her, but she’ll make her own friends eventually and she won’t care either. I very much doubt the two things are connected.

I'm in exactly the same situation!

Yes in my experience it’s normal! There is a massive clique in my ds’s class among the mums and I know they don’t like me but honestly, I actually don’t care (or know why really, I can only assume I’m not their type of person!) I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I imagine it may be bc I’m divorced or maybe bc I just work a lot and miss out on the chats at the gate but lots of them work too so that can’t be it. I don’t know. There was a point in reception year where everyone stopped being friendly to everyone and just went into groups and I hadn’t attached to a particular one. Just let it go, talk to whoever is friendly and ignore the ones that aren’t, there is nothing you can actually do and it’s only for a few years anyway...

I also don't get it..They are strangers why would you say hello. I don't talk to all the parents in playground that are in my childs class mainly parents I already know through previous work. If my child plays with their child then at some stage I end up speaking but as standard they are strangers.

This happened to me, best thing I did was only go in the playground at the last minute & wear my earbuds with music on my phone. Don't give them the slightest hint that they are getting to you, big smiles & fake it until you make it.

Isn't it obvious why OP cares (sorry to hear this OP, been there, done that, got the tee shirt etc etc)? I don't think she is expecting to be BFFs with these people just a bit of civility eg. a hello and maybe a smile might be nice? Work it out, you are potentially seeing these people 10 times a week for 40 weeks...400 times a year. That's a huge amount of time when people are a bit unpleasant.

That said, I have been through it all and it wouldn't end in the playground, some of them got our bus home and continued to either completely blank me or scowl at me and after ten years of it I couldn't work it out. It's not easy to rise above it but you have to try to so it doesn't get you down too much. Your DD will find her own friends, parents can only have so much influence and it weakens as they get older. for you.

Well put shadypines

100% get this.

My son is at a private school. And I'm not the usual private school parent. I don't own a lovely car, designer anything really. I'm also fairly young (30, ds7). And I always feel people looking down their noses at me.

I actually dread the school run. I hide in my car until it's time to go get him!

OP I understand as I have experienced similar. The saddest thing of all though is a few of my other mum friends who dc go to different schools to mine, or same school as my dc but are in different year groups to mine, have all made friends via school run including besties and socialise with them lots, I wonder where I went wrong as I didn't get these friendships from the school run . I see lots of friendships from the school run from my child's year but I'm excluded from it

I've never understood this.

You wouldn't stand at a bus stop and expect everyone to talk to you.

School is no different imo and as a PP said, your child will make friends eventually and that's the most important thing.

I am so with you OP...... My DC goes into year 1 this week and has significant and complex special needs, I get blanked frequently and have a limited few who i feel comfortable chatting with, the rest just kind of stare at my child and then avoid conversation with me. I never really integrated with the Mum's at pick-up as the school reduced DC's hours for a period of 7 months last year and so never really got the opportunity to build any rapport. Am in a couple of whatsapp groups but kind of despair at the judgeycomments/banal chat.
Feel like everybody else just blurs past me most days, but you're right the Dad's are 100% lovely.....
Been bliss not having to do this all summer, really wish we could have another couple of weeks!
Not sure what to suggest but just rise above it, good people attract good people and it is something I mentally train myself to switch off from twice a day from this week. Roll on the October half-term!

“At 10, DD walked alone, I will never see those women again”. I pray for this day! Lol

Lovely message thank you xx

It’s horrible isn’t it?! People say “it doesn’t matter you’re just dropping off etc”, but it does! Day in, day out with another 4 or so years to go? Come on sheesh lol xx

Can hardly compare to a bus stop. Lol. This is a small school with a confined playground and interaction. Totally different.

If you stop and think about it...it’s strange you expect people to talk to you.

If I caught the bus everyday to work, and the same five people plus a few randoms where catching the same bus daily, I wouldn’t expect them to talk to me or invite me on a night out.

I personally have no interest in the school run, I smile and say hello to people who do to me but I don’t stop and chat...I drop off and I pick up...that’s it....and I like it this way.

My advice would be to wear headphones in the playground, that will start to help with getting over the anxiety and bad feelings of being in he playground...then once that’s done maybe start again from the beginning....

It is like a bus stop, in fact it’s more confined and most people tend to work longer than 4 years in one job

Same as the supermarket though...the gym...the coffee shop...anywhere you go regularly and see the same people constantly is the same.

I think maybe you think the school run is different to what others think it is. If your looking for friends and that didn’t work out, try netmums, they have a local thing to you there where you can meet other parents

There used to be one mother in particular on my school run who would just look right through me. It was odd because our children were really good friends. Turned out she was massively depressed and her husband was dying. It isn’t always about you and while it seems weird at the time we just don’t know what’s going on

I don’t have any school parents talk to me and my eldest is just going into year 3.
I work (and I’m quite possibly the only working single parent there) so I only pick up three days a week and a child minder picks up the others days. So not sure if that’s why.’

To be honest I really really hate chit chat with people a vaguely know it just always feels so awkward so in a way I’m glad they don’t speak to me.

Also even if you do make friends with the mums it’s not to say your life will be any better I’m constantly hearing the CF ‘cool’ mums at school asking the less confident mums who are trying to fit in ‘is there any way you can pick up little Sebastian for me every Friday?’

So poor Jen who was just trying to fit in gets lumbered with slap happy Sebastian once a week, who pees on the toilet seat and chases the family cat not my cup of tea at all.
Just put some head phones in your ears and listen to music.

If you are wanting to make friends in general though, not just with the school mums. You’d be much better joining a hobby you enjoy. At least you’ll meet like minded people that way and not just people who’s only thing in common with you is they have children the same age. Conversations will dry up pretty quick if that’s all you have to talk about.

Well now we know that some people just don't believe in interacting with anyone who hasn't been formally presented to them. Reminds me of the two Englishmen on a desert island for ten years who never talked because nobody had introduced them.

Ah, the old trial by school gate clique!

It has forever been so. It's 30 years now since I took small children to school and it was the same then as it is now. I dreaded every pick up but eventually realised that those who behaved like that weren't the sort of people I wanted to know anyway.

There's nothing you can do.. if your face doesn't 'fit' then you are sunk. The only time I was spoken to was the day I carried a small puppy in my arms as we were on the way to the vets for her jabs. Needless to say the attention was all for the cute pup and the following day they all reverted to normal.

It's hell. Real hell, and makes you feel so low and worthless. All I can say is hold your head high and ignore the best you can. I played a game of making one person speak to me every day by singling them out and saying a very determined 'Good afternoon Mrs xxx' to them' The hated it but it was my tiny bit of revenge for the meanness.