Cliquey school mums unfriendly and blank me

[Yvie33]

I’m actually dreading the start of the autumn term tomorrow. My child is in year 2. During school run I smile and say good morning, but often I’m not able to do this as certain mums deliberately blank me. Yes I know it’s just the school run drop off yada yada - however I can’t lie, it certainly gets me down, I can’t pretend to fiddle with phone until bell rings or come just as school is starting. It is now getting to me. The dads are ok I’ve noticed, but the women are cold and make bitchy comments. I’ve now noticed even my daughter is not invited to many parties, and feel so bad for her as she’s a pleasant girl. I’m a not a loud person, but I am very friendly. I hate being alone and left out. Anyone else experiencing this? Please get in touch x

If you stop and think about it...it’s strange you expect people to talk to you.

Yes me too. In my experience most people are caught up in their own worlds and not deliberately ignoring you or being cliquey. Maybe some already have their friends and aren't interested in making new ones? Whereas others will be friendly and open. But it's up to you to make the first move.

Also I think most parents get to know each other through things like helping out at school and whole class parties when the kids are little. The playground chat is really secondary interaction that spins off from other social interaction, not the other way round.

It's not just at the school gates. In my experience it's pretty much every group/class/situation where parents and babies get together from the moment they're born! Basically, some people are just rude, selfish and a bit thick. You just have to rise above those types and do your own thing. Somewhere along the line you will find the occasional nice person you get on with, and it will feel natural and organic rather than pressured. You don't need crazy in your life!

I used to get this as a working mum with children at prep schools. Not only was I often blanked by other mums but, on one occasion, one mother put her head in my car window and screamed at me because she didn’t want me parking in a particular place. My DD was also, at times, singled out for exclusion. When she came top in the eleven plus with perfect scores, one woman walked around saying loudly, ‘Child’s name came top? Child’s name came top.’ As if it were against the law. She reportedly smacked her own poor DD for not ‘winning’ when she got her home. Our status was too low to beat her child, wasnthe reasoning, I think.

What can one do about this? It was painful at the time but seems a million miles away now. The DD did very well and stuck with the uncool, unpopular, nerdy girls who also did very well academically. She was pretty happy most of the time so I have that as consolation.

Was the, not wasnthe!

good advice on here, as someone who has had this happen to them i would say, in hindsight, just try to ignore it!

you are there to pick up your child and get on with your own life.
its hard,but sometimes being your own person and not engaging with the pettiness is the right thing to do. the school gate can be a minefield unfortunatly, do not waste time trying to figure it out.

* I played a game of making one person speak to me every day by singling them out and saying a very determined 'Good afternoon Mrs xxx' to them' The hated it but it was my tiny bit of revenge for the meanness*

This made me smile!!

I smile and say hi to everyone. I'm probably seen as one of the cool mums. I'm the the PTA, involved with school, older child just left etc etc. If I noticed any purposeful blanking I'd hate it. It sets a horrible undertone. What lessons in getting along are they teaching our children?!

I know it gets a bad rep on here but could you join the PTA? At least that clique is open to everyone, yes at first they will all have their little inside jokes and history but over time if you volunteer regularly and help out with stalls at fairs etc then you will get more involved and will also give you some people to interact with, even if not in your dd class and even if it is just to check how many serviettes they want for the ice pop sale.

Hone in on those who are nice, if it's the men, those catty cow women will start taking more notice of you, they'll be jealous too no doubt!

Just think they're the girls at school who were the arseholes then, and the arseholes now ... it's them, not you

I had this when my two eldest were at primary school. The thing is for some mums the school playground is their social life.

I gave up caring when there was an incident between my daughter and another child (which was quickly resolved between them) and more parents got involved and my daughter was excluded from birthday parties etc.

I realised then what a bitchy place the playground was and that I wanted nothing to do with it.

I think this is normal. Both my DH and I did school runs when they were small.
I used to just watch how it happened when new parents would show up. I almost think that one or two parents start blanking and then other parents would blank back in defence and next thing you know everyone is blanking everyone else.

Start of year 2 was about the worst bit of it for me - to the point that at one point (my depression and anxiety was very bad at that time) I did the school run with earphones in - no music playing on them (and the kids knew what I was doing so chattered away fine) just to give me an excuse.

It thawed almost overnight at one point strangely enough (our school runs are always a bit odd at the start of the year as the school remix classes each year) and turned out to be the best year for school gate friendships yet - also helped a couple of new arrivals came into the year group who had parents I really gelled with (and my kids did as well).

The thing is about the school fun is you have to make a massive effort as people are creatures of habit and just talk to the same faces everyday .
Are you sure they are actually being bitchy or just ignoring you and enjoying their friends company because they are very different things . I know that it can be difficult and people struggle but I have been accused of being one of these bitchy mums before and I am most definitely not , I'm just chatty and friendly and get on with it .. I'm not saying you have low confidence etc but I think sometimes that can get projected into some seemingly more confident mums .

I had this when my older dd was at school ( now 19). Her class the mums were pretty awful. I still see them out and about in their clique now! My younger dd (13) it's been very different. I made some good friends that I have carried on seeing. Each year it differs. Ignore the foul ones.

If you want people to chat to at school runs and it feels cliquey you really need to look out for who else is on the edge. You won’t be the only one who feels like this. Look for other mums or dads who are standing around awkwardly and have a chat to them. If any of them respond well then keep having a quick chat each time you see them and then you have someone, not always a BFF but someone to wait with when picking the kids up. In always greatful to anyone who has a chat or play with my younger children so maybe look out for parents with younger kids. I think often there’s a group of half the parents who know each other well but that’s never all of them. I’m very sure that there will be other people up at school feeling the same as you.

I think it’s odd not to be able to find someone you get along with out of an average class of thirty. Sometimes I think if you stand ridden your phone why would someone interrupt you?
What effort are people making rather than just a brief smile?
Join the PTA, help at fetes, volunteer in the uniform shop, volunteer on school trips and with swimming. If it’s a church school, go to the church. If it’s a tiny village primary join in village events.
Have children to play, hold doors and gates and start chatting, suggest coffee after drop off time. Congratulate children who get star awards, ask for help (not three hours childcare a day but ‘do you know what time swimming is on Tuesday?’
Invite parents to supper, organise a class picnic.
Don’t expect it all to come from others.

I was like this when DD was in nursery, I kept myself to myself. Then one of the seasonsed mums introduced me to another seasoned mum and now we are a hugely supportive group of mums. I've actually grown into my own now and say hello to everybody even if I don't get a response. Its just the friendly thing to do.

I had this too, so I just didn't bother with anyone. Then I found that one person would say hello then another, I would reply but tried not to start a conversation, I let them do that.

I found that they were the ones worth knowing rather than the 'stuck up' ones.

I didn't make 'friends' with anyone though.

Sorry to say school is for the children to make friends, not the parents.

Also I think most parents get to know each other through things like helping out at school and whole class parties when the kids are little. The playground chat is really secondary interaction that spins off from other social interaction, not the other way round.

Yes, this definitely.

When my eldest DS started school, I couldn't work out why so many parents knew each other on the first day. Then it became obvious, they'd met at various playgroups or they had older kids in the school.

Not once did I think of them as 'cliquey', just a group of friends who used that 10/15 minutes to catch up with each other.

I get to school just as they open the doors to let them in,I hate hanging around in the playground

“Bus stop”?? Hello. I said school playground. It is not normal to stand at a bus stop chatting to fellow parents about the schools events, kids, etc. Obviously it’s not a premeditated social setting. It’s a bus stop to catch a bus coming in a few seconds taking you from a-z. You know fully well what this is. So please don’t compare.

@ - well said!👏

@flumpybear - well said!👏

@shadypines - well said! 👏You know exactly where I’m coming from. I’m not wishing to make bff’s - but like you said a friendly smile now and then. People make it so awkward and tricky for them and their kids, by deliberately blanking or making snide comments. Children notice these things too and it is unpleasant. Thanks for sticking up for me!

Quite often it's just luck.

My dc1s class mums were a nice bunch and I got on with everyone.
He moved school and once again I got on with everyone.
I consider myself a normal pleasant person.

However, dc2s class mums are really cliquey and seem to have taken a real dislike to me...it's horrible. You can't even say good morning if people turn their heads.

Now personally, I don't give a dam. Irl, I have plenty of friends and people don't seem to hate me. However, it's upsetting for my DD because it means she's excluded socially outside of school despite being a popular girl.

I can't wait till the primary years are over.