Cliquey school mums unfriendly and blank me

[Yvie33]

I’m actually dreading the start of the autumn term tomorrow. My child is in year 2. During school run I smile and say good morning, but often I’m not able to do this as certain mums deliberately blank me. Yes I know it’s just the school run drop off yada yada - however I can’t lie, it certainly gets me down, I can’t pretend to fiddle with phone until bell rings or come just as school is starting. It is now getting to me. The dads are ok I’ve noticed, but the women are cold and make bitchy comments. I’ve now noticed even my daughter is not invited to many parties, and feel so bad for her as she’s a pleasant girl. I’m a not a loud person, but I am very friendly. I hate being alone and left out. Anyone else experiencing this? Please get in touch x

What are the snide comments being made about you OP?

Err no it isn’t he same. This is same children/parents - not different people at different times doing different things .. totally unrelated and you are missing my point. if you don’t get what I’m saying- or care not to, then kindly move on. Cheers!

I'm probably seen as one of the cool mums. I'm the the PTA, involved with school, older child just left etc etc

Of course you are.

I agree with the PP who said that if you look around you’ll see there are other mums who are in the same position as you. They’ll appreciate a smile, and from there you can start ‘hello’ ing, and small talk. Things grow from there, and then make sure you include anyone who’s on their own. It’s slow but it does work, and then when you’re all looking relaxed and happy, chatting, I bet you find that you’re all absorbed into the main group.

I hope so anyway. Personally I hate big groups, and was happiest on the edge.

What comments are they making about/to you?

Thank God that bus stop comparison maker has gone - phew! 😂

Been there and it made me feel shit.

And I think those who say “who cares?” or “I don’t get why you’re upset” are being deliberately obtuse. It’s not the same as standing at a bus stop. And it’s not an expectation of friendship either... just basic friendliness, as opposed to outright hostility.

Just wanted to add: looking back to the start of Reception it’s actually quite funny the way three mums in particular who stepped forward as Queen Bees. Two volunteered for class rep (which was weird since it was a one person job) and then a third started “helping” them with tea towel orders, etc

By the second term there were two distinct groups standing outside the classroom: the popular mums vs the unworthy ones. It was so weird. You could have written a psychology paper about it.

Op it's absolutely amazing to read threads like these because this seems to be such a common thing! But when it's happening to you good God it makes you feel like the only one in the world. I've had this, last year and moreso this year. 2 specific women who previously were very friendly towards me , both now blank me . I hate the school run now & feel so bloody anxious even thinking of it. It has had a massive impact on me and has filtered through to every part of my life. I have never doubted myself so much. All because of these 2. I tell myself daily to ignore it but it's impossible. It feels like being bullied. I have no advise really but you are definitely not alone! I also can't wait till they are old enough to walk to school alone

I get this. DTD's are in a very small class at school and I only drop off and pick up once a week. Many of the other parents from their class can barely muster a hello. Its super tedious and I think incredibly rude.

Think of it another way, OP. What qualities do you look for in a good friend? Happy, kind, chatty, nice, pleasant, supportive, a good laugh, and possibly someone to lean on in a crisis?

Look at the way they are behaving towards you. Honestly, do you really really want to be friends with anyone who treats people like that?

They are not worthy of your friendship. Keep that thought at the forefront of your mind.

@ egontoste You’re right. It’s a shame there are so many unpleasant ones around though. I guess just continue putting my blinkers on! 😂

Did it ever get any better?
In the same boat at the moment and losing my confidence trying

Can we look at it this way OP? They stay in groups because THEY need to feel reassured. It has nothing at all to do with being part of the in crowd they think they are in,its because they darent ever feel left out or not accepted cos their own egos will not allow that. I look on them as insecure and weak.not popular or not popular in their own right just popular because they break their own necks to be so in turn their little jonny or julie dont get rejected and are always in at the in party. I promise if you stop and observe you will see all this a mile off. Its quite funny really when you see it and you will. I giggle at the struggle they must have when they wake up and really Have to do their hair and make up to perfection and perform for their crowd at the gates.I see it all the time, Unlike the rest of us who just get on with it quietly they turn it into a performance, I would also like you to think these people arent friends,they are casual passers by whom you happen to bump into just beccause you happen to be in the same place at the same time! I would go to school drop the kids off and well go home with not a seconds thought,infact that is exactly what i do cos i have confidence in me,I dont need them and well frankly I dont want them and their silly games either..try it its liberating,just stand back and observe you will see what I mean!

@BillieEilish

Oh Lord, this happened to me (in Spain)

The rudeness was horrendous and I kept trying for years...
At 10, DD walked alone, I will never see those women again.

OP the trick is to NOT try to not give a shit, I only know this in hindsight. Honestly, really try not to care. But I know how it all builds up, the anxiety.

It is the only way, build up a barrier. Its them not you.

When I was doing pickups, the other dads and grandads were regarded as either perverts, losers or cocklodgers. We were mostly shift workers, so not really sociable anyway. One day a new mum spoke to us as a group, presumably not knowing the dynamic. After a bit of guarded chat, there floated over from the Queen Bees "who does that f*$&@~g slut think she is?".

What happened next got into the local paper, got six people banned from school grounds, and would still be on YouTube if camera phones had existed. Haven't seen a straight right like it since.

OP not sure if this is helpful? I've worked as a PSA for 20 odd years and some parents are so unbelievable rude its shocking. my daughter went to the same school over 30 years ago ...I just dropped her off and left.never spoke to anyone.

I smile and say good morning, but often I’m not able to do this as certain mums deliberately blank me. Yes I know it’s just the school run drop off yada yada - however I can’t lie, it certainly gets me down, I can’t pretend to fiddle with phone until bell rings or come just as school is starting.

Why on earth are you hanging around in the morning?  Kid goes into p[ayground; you  leave. They don't need parents to wait around   until the bell rings.

Oh I know how it is. Just make sure your DD is ok. There will be some nice mums and others that are nicer when the bitches are not looking.

Make an effort to organise things for your DD. It is horrible when they are left out. These women are horrible and have not heart.

People on the school run apparently think I'm a stuck up cow because I don't talk to anyone.

Truth is I have massive social anxiety and can't talk to anyone.

In fairness I am standing alone not in a group. Most of the parents at our school are either related or are childhood friends from the same school. It is virtually impossible for anyone to break into that.

This was me OP. Whether I had the wrong face, was too young, too whatever, the Queen Bees ruled the roost for years and years.

One of their offspring bullied one of my DC for a while and one day I just saw red. I marched down the road when I saw her swanning up to the gates with her entourage and demanded she immediately addressed the behaviour of her child or I would go straight to the principal. Mortifying for her (I like to think) in front of the rest of her flock. The bullying stopped, the silences and shunning continued but this time I didn't care as I had the upper hand.

Bullies at school don't change. They evolve and mutate and dish it out all over again.

Rise about it OP. And take it as a compliment that they don't want to be friends. Channel your inner grand old lady and style it out. Then come home and have a lovely cup of tea and celebrate your own fabulousness. They don't deserve to have you as a member in their bitchy club, and you certainly don't deserve their brand of vile.

Sorry for the essay. Touched a nerve! Solidarity. I know how much it stings.

I think you care massively projecting your own security. I really doubt they are standing around talking about you.
They don't know you, why would they speak to you? You don't even know if you would like them? So why do you care? Join hobbies and interest groups that actually interest you and you will make friends that way.
The only thing you have in common with these women us that you have children the same age.

Are they not just groups of friends who already know each other though? What makes them a 'clique'?

@CherryPavlova

I think it’s odd not to be able to find someone you get along with out of an average class of thirty. Sometimes I think if you stand ridden your phone why would someone interrupt you? What effort are people making rather than just a brief smile? Join the PTA, help at fetes, volunteer in the uniform shop, volunteer on school trips and with swimming. If it’s a church school, go to the church. If it’s a tiny village primary join in village events. Have children to play, hold doors and gates and start chatting, suggest coffee after drop off time. Congratulate children who get star awards, ask for help (not three hours childcare a day but ‘do you know what time swimming is on Tuesday?’ Invite parents to supper, organise a class picnic. Don’t expect it all to come from others.

Love this. So true

@Yvie33

Thank God that bus stop comparison maker has gone - phew! 😂

Yes, I do talk to people at bus stops It’s normal isn’t it?