Cliquey school mums unfriendly and blank me

[Yvie33]

I’m actually dreading the start of the autumn term tomorrow. My child is in year 2. During school run I smile and say good morning, but often I’m not able to do this as certain mums deliberately blank me. Yes I know it’s just the school run drop off yada yada - however I can’t lie, it certainly gets me down, I can’t pretend to fiddle with phone until bell rings or come just as school is starting. It is now getting to me. The dads are ok I’ve noticed, but the women are cold and make bitchy comments. I’ve now noticed even my daughter is not invited to many parties, and feel so bad for her as she’s a pleasant girl. I’m a not a loud person, but I am very friendly. I hate being alone and left out. Anyone else experiencing this? Please get in touch x

OP start slowly inviting kids for play dates, then you will at least get on a 'hello' term when your at pick up with their parents.

DD3 moved schools for the last 2 years of primary, so it was horrendous. Everyone had their cliques and I stood on my own without a hello or anyone making eye contact for 2 years.

I won't lie, it nearly broke me. It's incredibly hard not to take personally.

@LoreleiRock

There used to be one mother in particular on my school run who would just look right through me. It was odd because our children were really good friends. Turned out she was massively depressed and her husband was dying. It isn’t always about you and while it seems weird at the time we just don’t know what’s going on

This has just reminded me of when I moved to a rather insular village and was very pleased to have had (several months in) a conversation with an affable woman in the playground. I thought we were at the stage of a coffee invitation, but she blanked me completely every time I saw her afterwards, and I thought I must have offended her. It wasn’t until months later still someone told me she was badly visually impaired.

Ahhh I’ve had this all the way through my daughters school years, I wore sandals and a cute dress once when I had a tan and the looks I got

Some false people categorise you as either high status (valuable to them because your friendship will validate them) or low status (your friendship won't validate them so is worthless to them, and in fact, you OFFEND them thinking that you could be friendly. ).

I experienced a bit of this as I'm a single parent and it was a good way of telling who was inauthentic and insecure. Insecure people can be popular though. Liked? Hmm...

My advice is to focus on one to one relationships. Ring up people who are nice to you. Join things locally.

Don't be too accommodating with these mothers, if they throw you some bone, don't bend with the wind. If they ask you to do some donkey work for a pta fundraiser or something like that, say ''no''. it's counterintuitive and it the short term raises the alpha gorilla's heckles but in the longer term, it raises your status.

People in groups (at work and in wider extended family) have blanked me and it's so weird. Do they think they seem powerful? They just advertise their insecurity and their immaturity.

Unless your daughter is at a very tiny school it’s surely not every single mum standing chatting while deliberately excluding you. Look around for other mums and dads hanging around the edge of the playground and go and chat to them.

I’ve had this.

Sometimes there is one or two other mums who are also not part of the clique. Can you spot them / find them? Any kids go to after school and get picked up later?

That’s what I used to do - there were a certain group of mums who were a bit snotty (stay at home mums like me at the time, so saw them every morning and plenty of time to chat) so I would ignore them and go up to someone who was also on the fringe and get chatting to them about something or other.

I hope that things have gotten better for you over the years… I’m finding a very similar situation with my DD in year 1.

It doesn’t help that this school was not our 1st choice. I find most mums unfriendly/cold at school, whereas mums are & were so friendly at the preschool attached to the school we had chosen.

I honestly don’t think I can do this for an other 7 years when my son starts there next year. I’ve been trying to get my DD a space in our preferred school but we literally don’t have a chance.

I’m a very friendly & chatty person; something that preschool mums always comment on & seem to like. Why is my smile & friendliness so unwelcome at school; I feel so so lonely at school; it really is horrible!!!

Why are you so hung up on making buddies at the school gate? Why are you “lonely” spending five minutes twice a day standing by yourself? It’s equivalent to being upset because the people in the doctors waiting room with me or the same half dozen people I caught the train with every day didn’t talk to me - it’s usually not that they’re awful people, it’s that they’re not interested in making small talk with strangers and that they’re busy with their own stuff. School is about your child not you.

I have a group of people I speak to if we’re hanging around the school playground. Our kids are friends, we’ve known each other for years going back to toddlerhood, we do occasional favours like lift sharing. It’s not a “clique” as such, but no I’m not scanning the horizon looking for other parents who look lonely to come and join in our chat, because that would be bloody weird.

Sometimes if those people aren’t there I just stand there by myself, enjoying two minutes peace and thinking my own thoughts - I’m not unfriendly and I’ll say good morning back or whatever but I’m not on the lookout for people to make friends with anymore than I am waiting at the bus stop or in a supermarket queue. Why is it only mothers on the school run that have these expectations put upon them?

I never bothered trying to make friends with the other mums at the school gate. Some were friendly and would say hello and others were not and that was fine with me. It's not worth trying to force people to be friendly. More often than not I'd do a drop and dash in the morning and wait in the car until the last minute at pick up. No need for hanging around looking for someone to talk to. Our proper friends were elsewhere.

Every cloud has a silver lining as they say.. and no I don't have kids. But at least you won't feel obliged to ever do a favour /give a lift/ "Babysit" for them and if they ever ask remind them how they treated you.

What are they doing getting their kids to avoid you and your children. They should let their children make up their own mind unless you have done something terrible that is!

I think that you are missing the point here… yes people can have existing friendships since childhood or whatever but when people turn their head away from you when you try to say hello, it gets a little much for me personally; infant I think it’s very rude!

Like I said I have a comparison between 2 different schools & the difference is drastic! I’m not necessarily looking for new friends. Although considering I’m not from this area; it might be nice. This is something maybe you could consider especially when you haven’t left your area you grew up in… it’s nice to be nice & I would personally extend an olive branch when someone is new to an area.

I felt a bit like this. I put it down to my being older and not having been born in this town.
When my youngest was old enough to walk to school and back on her own, I breathed a huge sigh of relief!

Realise I've resurrected a zombie thread....but, goodness me, I've needed some words of wisdom on how to deal with the bizarre behaviour of some of the other mums at my son's prep school. We live outside London.

My son is in reception and some of the parents are just so cliquey! It's the flicky hair, Lycra lot. Each and every day I kill with kindness and smile, say hello - but I'm blanked! It's very much about appearances and what they assume is wealth.

I don't care for myself (quite frankly, have no interest in being friends with them if this is what they are like) - more worried for son and in case no one turns up for his birthday party!

I was a pariah at DS’s old village primary (older, foreign, working mother where that was vanishingly rare), but have made lasting good friends with other parents at the school he attends now. In both places he had plenty of friends, no issues with party attendance, and I hosted play dates for children he liked even when I thought the parents were ghastly.

I know exactly how you feel. Things will get better over time - as the problem I had disappeared - once the troublesome mums did eventually 😅

Just awful 😞 hope it resolved itself over time.