I think DD is outspoken and rude. DP says I am over-reacting..

[Eastie77]

DD is 6. When she was younger she was very shy and often refused point blank to reply to people when they spoke to her. As she has gotten older she has become a lot more confident and now replies and seems comfortable when spoken to. However with this has come what I feel is a poor attitude while DP thinks it is just 'personality'.

Recent example: we are currently on holiday and DD made friends with a little girl at the beach. I was talking to the girls mum about the return to school next week. The other mum said to DD "I bet you're looking forward to school". DD snapped back "No I'm not actually". The other mum laughed and said she was sure DD would enjoy it once she was back to which DD replied haughtily "How would you know? You don't go to my school". I was mortified. This is just one small example. DD often has to have the last word/answer back when an adult converses with her and often feels as if she has to challenge them. In restaurants she clicks her fingers at waiting staff and says "bring me...". I always instantly tell her off. It doesn't help that in DP's native language (which she speaks) requests are always in the imperative and he has taught her that please and thank you are an "English obsession"

She is fine playing with other children and makes friends easily (I watch her like a hawk to ensure she is not dominating or being rude).

She is not like this at school at all and is very quiet. Her school report was glowing and her teacher said DD is an angel an excellent role model, so polite etc. I thought he had mixed her up with another child tbh. I don't want to suppress her personality but I don't want her to behave like a brat either. I would not have dreamt of speaking to an adult the way I often hear DD addressing people. DP is convinced this is normal behaviour for a developing 6 year old. If you have bothered to read this far, does anyone agree with this?

I agree with you. This bit especially

In restaurants she clicks her fingers at waiting staff and says "bring me...".

is definitely unacceptable, regardless of her age!

I am afraid I agree with you, but I think it's your DH's fault rather than your DD's, from the sound of it.

What is your DP's language/culture, out of interest?

Wow Definitely rude. Definitely deal with it, she wouldn't be invited back to my house if she spoke like that to me.

She sounds very rude. I wouldn't allow DC to speak like that. Your DP seems to be enabling it. At that age DC mimic and copy so she probably picking up his habits. Its not cute or funny and it will creep in to school & other parts of her life if you allow it. The clicking at writing staff is awful. I'd come down hard, but that's me.

I agree with you. I'm sure at 6 she doesn't mean anything by it, but she does need to learn that attitude gets you everywhere and that it's just nice to be polite.

In restaurants she clicks her fingers at waiting staff and says "bring me...".

Yup, that’s rude. The imperative is a red herring, it’s the clicking the fingers that’s worse.

With the example of the other Mum, I think you should have pulled her up there and then and told her she was being rude to the woman and to apologise.

As for the clicking fingers thing, absolutely appalling.

No, you're not in any wrong in any way and absolutely need to nip this in the bud asap. That really must be embarrassing for you.

She sounds very rude. But it also sounds like your DP has taught her to be this way. I assume he is rude also? Does he click his fingers at restaurant staff too? You need to deal with your DP first as he will continue to undermine any attempts you make at teaching your DD some manners.

Ok thank you. Glad I'm not going crazy/over-reacting. DP definitely enables this. I posted a while ago about the episode when it took him an hour to remove her from a play date..

@KatnissMellark - she doesn't speak like this to people she actually knows, e.g. family, teachers or parents of her friends. The problem is when meeting people for the first time/strangers interacting with her. Even her childminder has commented that DD has "two personalities" as she can be her usual charming and polite self and then switch in front of someone she has just met.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan - DP is Italian. I've noticed when we visit his home town (in the South) people say "Give me...bring me..." etc and often take things without saying thank you. He snatches things from me wordlessly when I hand him something and it drives me bananas.

That is rude, no two ways about it.

I assume you live in England in which case she needs to learn some manners, I'm also interested in which the rude culture is

I've traveled a lot and I've never been to a country where it was considered polite to snap fingers and order waiters around. What country is your dp from?
I think that your dd could be given another way of answering that's kinder to the questioner rather than simply being told that she's rude, because that doesn't actually teach her how to do it instead.

If either of my kids behaved like that I would be furious. As for the clicking their fingers in a restaurant? I'd refuse to eat out with them and dh again until it stopped.

DP doesn't snap his fingers at waiting staff. I don't know where she picked that up from but I have come down very hard on her regarding this.

@Eastie77 that's something I guess. The thing is, she doesn't live in DPs culture and that sort of thing is hideously rude here. You are definitely doing her a favour by identifying it and acting to stop it before she gets much older.

Well it must be annoying to be told I bet you are really looking forward to something when you are not and she was right that the friend smother doesn't go to her school so she was just being honest. I think probably you need to talk to her about what is appropriate in social situations but I don't think she was deliberately being rude

mmm,italian is not always in the imperative. requests might start with bring me... but but end with please, or they will be said as Can you bring me without the need to add please as well. So I think the problem is with him rather then with the language.

I agree with you @Eastie77 and i would pull her up every time she is rude. Your DH is teaching her to be like this. She is only 6 and learning what is right from you both, but snapping her fingers like that is out of order.

I remember the playdate thread!

I've spent a lot of time in Southern Italy and it always makes me laugh when on MN people insist that all 'European' DC are perfectly behaved in restaurants etc because in my experience in Southern Italy (less so the North) they indulge and even encourage behaviour from under-10s that would get gasps in the UK.

I think you need to have a serious chat with DH about what people will think of her if she talks like this, doesn't say please, etc. Lay it on thick - say people will think that your little girl, who you both know to be so lovely and precious, is nasty and spoilt, and that they'll treat her accordingly. It isn't funny, it isn't some tiresome English thing, and it isn't trivial - it'll affect her whole life if he refuses to allow her to be taught to behave 'normally' for the culture she lives in. Scare him a bit.

You were mortified (as would I have been)

But did you tell her off or discipline her?

I am really strict with her about all of this. She is aware of the consequences from me if she misbehaves, e.g. I told her we would not join her new friend in the hotel's pizza restaurant on our last night here if I saw a repeat of the finger clicking. In the culture I was raised in it is unheard of for a child to even call an adult by their first name never mind speak out of turn so this is all new to me. DD is extremely polite and respectful when she is around my parents and their friends so she knows how to behave when required.

The problem is when two parents have polar opposite attitudes to discipline which is my situation. DP is ridiculously laid back and let's the DC run riot as "they are only young once"

I think that your dd could be given another way of answering that's kinder to the questioner rather than simply being told that she's rude, because that doesn't actually teach her how to do it instead.

I do agree with this. The line between funny and rude can be a very confusing one for a child - I remember struggling with it, and I was probably a bit older than your DD. From my point of view I was being told off for saying something when I'd said something similar before and got laughs and smiles - looking back now as an adult I can see the difference between the two (e.g. the difference between making a joke at your own expense and making one at someone else's expense, or between teasing someone you know well and teasing someone you don't really know) but as a child these rules were opaque and confusing. I can still remember the shame of realising I'd got it wrong but not understanding why.

Oh lord, I remember your thread about the play date. Your DH is a bit of a PITA it seems.

YANBU about the behaviour, I agree 100% with you, it’s unacceptable in this country (ie the country she actually lives in....), and it will do her no favours long-term to act like this. You’re right to nip it in the bud.

Have you introduced your DH to the ‘when in Rome....’ phrase?

But OP
At your daughters age, irrespective of parenting, there really should be an understanding of what is nice polite behaviour. Not learned as such, but as part of her brain development.
She is showing herself to be rather unpleasant, so the approach needs to be two pronged
Discipline
And also teaching and demonstrating kindness and respect for others