12 years old and 15 years old refuse to go out with us anymore.

[Gargamel1975]

Is this normal ? Every suggestions of outings is met with a refusal. Let’s go shopping, no. Let’s go out for a meal, no. All they want to do is stay in their bedrooms! We eat all our meals together but that’s it. So it’s just Dh and I now. Anyone in the same situation? Is it just a phase ?

Mine like shopping, days at the beach, crabbing, walking! But they aren't very sophisticated! Also going to the cinema and visiting friends

Oh and they like eating cake when we are out

Mine likes to have a goal. So, if we plan a walk he likes a hill, or a find a sculpture, or to stop by water and throw stones. Cake always goes down well, as does pizza. He loves crazy golf and pitch and putt, also a wander on the beach with his Dad. He's always ok when you get him out of the house.

Normal in my house

My 13 year old doesn't want to come out most of the time. Like others have said he also doesn't like to go anywhere he might see people from school, he won't go to the local McDonalds as loads of them congregate there, but he'll go to the out of town one.
He speaks to friends on his Xbox and has visited friends regularly. He tends to come out to shops if he has something in mind he wants

My just turned 15yo has been turning down coming out for about 6 months. But that's been a good thing because I like meeting my friends without him! (He has asd and they always accepted he'd be there plugged into iPad with headphones!).
He'd also prefer not to come to supermarket but will come if I ask him specifically.

Other than that it's just 2 of us. My friends with teens are amazed when we go away etc he spends time with me and doesn't go off and make friends. 🤷‍♀️

To those of you who get your teens to participate, what activities do you do?

Last weekend it was a hour long walk to a craft gallery & lunch out one day, then a 10 mile hike up a big hill the following day. This weekend has been an tour of our local art galleries & cycling. Plus i go to the gym with DD.

DC are 17 & 14 and generally happy to spend time with us though DS would prefer to be gaming sometimes. I let him stay home if it's shopping or a musical event as neither really appeals to him.

Lunch and dinner have generally been eaten together this holiday, breakfast is a bit more ad hoc as we're all up at differnet times. We don't eat out much but they wouldn't turn down the opportunity.

Sushi 9/10
Cinema
Beach, if not too many times and he's not too tired because the school year just ended.
Games convention, you'd think, but only once.

Totally normal teenage behaviour.

My dd 12 stays in her room alot, but I can't bear her being on screens the whole time while shes up there.

From about the age of 11 I stopped participating in most family activities. Once I became old enough to stay at home alone that's basically what I wanted to do or I made my own plans with friends. Every teenager is different. I had friends who wouldn't be seen dead with their parents and others who seemed to thouroughly enjoy family outings. I wouldn't worry about it too much, I think its normal teenage behaviour and is part of them growing up and becoming more independent.

Our two 14 and 15 will both come out with us 90% of the time. To town (which involves coffee and cake), for a meal (they both like nice food) and enjoy a good walk somewhere with the dog or a day out. Now sometimes it’s nicer going on our own and we would happily do so but can’t always shake them off lol. Yesterday we were nipping into town for a couple of hours. Both were engrossed on screens in different parts of the house so we shouted we are just nipping into town but won’t be long and quick as a flash they both shouted they would come. We said we won’t be long it’s ok if you don’t want to.

I know we are on borrowed time and as our two are close in age once one no longer wants to come with us I am sure they will both quickly follow suit. They both have friends but as they live further away whilst they speak on gadgets umpteen times a day they don’t often meet up face to face which might make a difference.

Our DC are 17 and 19. Last few years they are unlikely to come out with us for a walk or the supermarket shop, but will do specific things with us, for example happily spent the day walking round the city to find elephants (trail of statues like the Gromits in Bristol) a couple of years ago, we didn't give them a choice and took them out for lunch en route, or shopping for them, a trip to Ikea, or we all love an escape room.

Eldest cheerfully took 2 days off work last week to spend time with his Grandma who was staying - we went for a walk one day, and did a Lego trail round the city the next. He even sat with us in the afternoon watching Countdown and The Chase, when I expected him to hide in his room!

I think it is normal for teens not to spend time with their parents. Mine spend a lot of time in their rooms online, but also out with their mates - pub, shopping, even out for a walk or picnic/frisbee in the park.

We do, as a rule, insist on main meals at the table no phones, but on the days when we don't all eat at the same time dc often eat in their rooms. We do have one or two programmes we all watch together- Bake off being one of them, and elder will often play a board game with us, younger will sometimes join in, more likely if her brother is not around.

Yes, an escape room visit was a massive hit as an occasional treat/family day out. I couldn’t believe how brilliant the DC were but we all worked together really well and thoroughly enjoyed it.

We all eat breakfast at different times midweek and most of the time most weekends. But I have always insisted we eat meals at the table (and together whenever possible). Sometimes they have popcorn or crisps at the couch but anything else is always at the table. Bedrooms are messy enough without lost dirty crockery and cutlery ending up in there as well.

My nearly 9 year old is like this. He loves anything involving friends or wider family, but if it's just us it's a hard no. He refuses to come to the local Sainsbury's unless bribed with match attax. We went to pizza express recently and after he'd finished his food he just wanted to come home.

That’s a shame
I haven’t got to that point yet but I’m going to do what I can to create a continuous family tribal environment in the hope it doesn’t get like that. I would try to read a few books, look at amazon reviews to get this issue sorted

I certainly don't think it's a new development. When I got to 16 I certainly had little interest in days out, and that's nearly 40 years ago.

I think eating together regularly is a very good habit and an easy way to stay connected. We do this very regularly.

We also take short foreign holidays to interesting cities, and that has kept our teens keen to go.

They are no longer interested in a sun holiday for longer than week.

I have 3...and they were exactly the same....from about the age of 13 they wouldnt come out with us....i cant say it bothered me...it meant me and my ex husband had lovely days out and lunches which were soo much cheaper just the 2 of us.

My biggest concern is one of loneliness, too much time even talking to friends on line might eventually cause feelings of isolation.

We have a few agreements about getting fresh air and exercise every day. Playing sports, reading, doing something together like cooking or decorating their room, walking etc. I do also ask them to organise to see real live friends at least once a week. I am quite relaxed once I know they have had a few hours doing something constructive.
It is disturbing the way they don't seem to hang out anymore and prefer to be on line, I am sure we would have been the same at that age!

That said, you can not force the issue, and respecting their privacy and downtime at this age is important too. They need to create some independence, it is a developmental milestone.

We have also swapped boring beach holidays (their words) to city breaks, we go out to eat in fun places and always have breakfast and dinner together every Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening. We chat for an hour about their week, life, friends etc. It is good to connect. I always make time in the evenings for a quick hug and a chat if they want one.
We play a family game of tennis once a week when we can too.

Jolly the point of developing your own identity means that the family tribe stuff is mostly out, they need to be less family tribe, and more on an adventure of self discovery. I don't think it is our place as parents to stop that very important development from taking place. Respecting this is essential to their well being, you won't find many books on amazon that will encourage you to keep them in the tribe when the whole point is that they have to learn to leave the tribe for a while at least, to become fully themselves. Far better to keep connections alive, enjoy the time they offer you and ensure they see you as someone to offload/talk to.

I remember being horrified too when my dc were young that you would somehow 'lose' them, and they would not be part of your own little unit anymore. Once they are 5ft9 and sophisticated, together and more mature than you ever were it feels 'right' and natural for them to go out into the world. It feels entirely like the next step, and despite feeling I would never ever be ready, I am actually keen to see them fly and live their lives fully. They are great kids, you try to contain them and all kinds of furs flies, so you will learn pretty sharpish that their need to become independent are acute, and come hell or high water they have to find a way. Better to help them with warm support and respect, rather than pinning them down to a jolly laid on 'family day out' that will guarantee to bring out the very worst in them.

So as per pleasebeafleabite we managed to tempt DS out of his computer room lair with meat as the bait. Actually watching him reject anything that wasn't practically raw sirloin at the Brazilian steak place, meant his eating habits were not dissimilar to a lion or cheetah- although one that also likes chocolate desserts.

As usual when out on a paid for meal he was jolly, communicative and good company. If only he was like that for home meals as we certainly can't afford to eat out like that too often and he turns his nose up at cheaper eateries.

Well yesterday we almost convince them to go out for a pub lunch - when we arrived there the kitchen was shut ! We suggested other places, no ! We suggested Five guys and it was no ! So Dh and I went our own and told them to help themselves from the fridge. They ordered a bloody Uber eat - for their Sunday lunches 🤦🏻‍♀️