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Original poster

12 years old and 15 years old refuse to go out with us anymore.

121 replies

Gargamel1975 · 31/08/2019 11:58

Is this normal ? Every suggestions of outings is met with a refusal. Let’s go shopping, no. Let’s go out for a meal, no. All they want to do is stay in their bedrooms! We eat all our meals together but that’s it. So it’s just Dh and I now. Anyone in the same situation? Is it just a phase ?

OP posts:

OrangeJustice · 31/08/2019 21:07

Are all these bedroom dwellers allowed unlimited access to phones and xbox or whatever? Ds likes his room but only if he’s gaming (which is restricted to certain times) or watching YouTube which we also put a time limit on.

ShadyMeLady · 31/08/2019 21:25

I wondered the same orange. And as young as nearly 11 not wanting to go out either? Is that normal?

MeggyMeg · 31/08/2019 21:30

I'm glad I'm not the only one. My almost 14 year old DD has been exactly as described this summer and its been a bit of a shock We have the laptop downstairs so I at least see her. She's ok when I can get her out, but its convincing her to go that's the problem. I know it will pass, so I've made a few adjustments like insisting we eat at the table without phones (we used to eat at different times from the children), not getting too her up about it and faking an interest in whatever crap youtuber shes following or game shes playing. We also used to have quite strict bedtime routines whereby the DCs had to be I'm their room by 9, lights out by 9 so we had an adult evening to watch TV. I've stopped that as I have found she will often come and sit with us for half an hour in the evening if it's closer to her bedtime.

Gottoloveabagel · 31/08/2019 21:31

It's quite sad reading how many teens don't want to go out and spend time in their rooms! When I was a teenager I'd spend time with my parents or be out with my friends! Some time in my room but boy that much time! I feel lucky that my 2 love family time and doing things together!

underneaththeash · 31/08/2019 21:34

Mine are 11 and 13 and I would never allow them to eat in their rooms, it’s anti-social, rude to the person who has just cooked their meal, unhygienic and they would never bring the dirty dishes downstairs.

Unless mine actually do something during the day? They just get more grumpy and teenagery, so we do have something planned most days.

MeggyMeg · 31/08/2019 21:36

To those of you who get your teens to participate, what activities do you do?

MeggyMeg · 31/08/2019 21:39

An example for me, I ask my 11 year old if he wants to go on a bike ride and he springs up and goes straight on the bike. The teen just rolls her eyes and refuses. I have no idea how to tempt her out other than with sushi.

MeggyMeg · 31/08/2019 21:40

I meant the sushi tempts her out, not onto the bike

ExpletiveDelighted · 31/08/2019 22:27

We've just carried on as we were with going out (they are 13 and 15), someone will suggest something, we'll mull a few ideas between us and either agree or not. We do pre-arranged things eg cinema, theatre, football matches, also we still take them to some of their sports training sessions and matches. Spur of the moment it might be a walk, meal out, pop into town together, supermarket shopping, go to the beach. Sometimes we don't all go but we do generally all go out somewhere at least once in a weekend. They see friends too but that takes more organising as for the most part they live some distance away (schools with large rural catchments) but most of their friends still do a lot with their families too so are often busy at weekends.

mellicauli · 31/08/2019 22:41

Similar problem. We bought a ping pong table for the garden and that worked quite well. Have just bought a dart board for the garage for winter..I forced him to come to London to the Churchill War Cabinet Rooms which he did enjoy and he enjoyed the Five Guys burger afterwards even more. .He also has generously agreed to come and watch the Arsenal v Spurs tomorrow. Expensive business luring teenagers..

Gottoloveabagel · 31/08/2019 22:44

@ExpletiveDelighted I think that's a good point, my children and their friends all do family stuff so it's expected, I don't know any of my children's friends who just spend time alone. I've had a lovely time shopping with my 13 year old today and she's already planning our next trip!

empod · 31/08/2019 22:46

Our 12 year old DD is the same! However, if we kill the WIFI she has no data and no Netflix then she will come out with us, thankfully she loves her food x

Notnownotneverever · 31/08/2019 22:51

We have this on occasion with our teens. I limit what I ask them to do with us. But I don’t give them an option all the time. Some days I just tell them what we are doing for that day. If they cause a fuss or badly act up whilst we are out then we remove their phones or computer time.

notso · 31/08/2019 22:55

My elder two are 19 and 15 and happy to come out with us.
DD went through a bit of a phase of not wanting to be seen dead with us at about 14 but it was short lived.
We've just got back from an activity holiday where they actually agreed to leave their phones in the safe at the lodge during the day.

Notnownotneverever · 31/08/2019 22:56

Trips we generally do are cinema, beach, walk, shopping (with food always!) and arcades. Arcades are usually the biggest hit. Water parks with those inflatable things are loved by our DSs too.

notso · 31/08/2019 23:01

As pp said eating in bedrooms aside from snacks just doesn't happen. Even when it's just the two of them or one on their own they sit at the table.

mymadworld · 31/08/2019 23:06

Seriously, why would you let a young teen (or pre-teen) shut themselves off for the summer? What about hanging out with their mates, going to town, hanging out at the park, exploring on bikes maybe even getting up to no good, physical exertion, socialising, having a job, being part of a family/friendship group/community?

This makes me so sad reading about all these kids wasting away their childhoods in their bedroom not to mention concerned about their mental health.
I can't believe I'm alone feeling like this as neither ds (13) nor his mates do this.

ExpletiveDelighted · 31/08/2019 23:09

Mine get plenty of time alone, mainly in the school holidays when we're at work, but DH and I also go out on our own a lot at weekends for an hour or two here and there (I've got an allotment, he is in a sport club). Similarly on weekday evenings, we're all out most nights at sports training, dance classes, committee meetings etc. So perhaps its just that going out frequently is normal in our family.

Fatted · 31/08/2019 23:24

In a pre-internet age, as a teen, I enjoyed just being up in my room by myself. I loved (and still do) solitary activities like reading. Not every one wants or enjoys enforced socialisation.

Like others have said, it's probably a combination of it not being cool to be seen with their parents and not enjoying what you want to do with them. But I'd say it's normal.

Milicentbystander72 · 31/08/2019 23:35

Normal.

I have a 15 yr old and a 12 year old. We do eat together and the only trip out they're eager to do is the cinema and meal after (We're a very 'filmy' family as DH is in the film industry) They're happy to come to the theatre and music gigs too (all the expensive stuff!)

Other than that youngest is always in his room and eldest is plugged into phone and laptop downstairs.

We did a 2 week family holiday which was nice, but they were still happiest on the Internet.

Normally eldest used to not go out at all during school holidays but this summer she's been out loads with friends - trips to town, cinema, coffee, shopping, parties. I'm just the taxi service.
I thought youngest was just watching YouTube but have noticed on his Instagram that he's been posting all these drawings he's been doing. Quite good actually! I pleasantly surprised he was actually doing something.

Oh, I managed to get some enthusiasm yesterday for a quick trip for new stationary and a milkshake!

Your teens sounds quite normal OP.

Woahriver · 31/08/2019 23:36

You should not be forcing them to go somewhere they don't want to go or do somewhere they dont want to do. They are a person too and should be treated with respect. It's their life to spend and not yours. It's easy to take advantage of the fact you are their parent but you really shouldn't. If they were adults you might be hesitant or wouldnt dare tell them what to do with their lives.

AlbertWinestein · 01/09/2019 02:01

Woahriver But they aren’t adults yet so you teach them how to behave, in the same way you teach them table manners when they’re 3. If I invited a grown adult to my home and they spent the whole time sitting in my guest room, grunting at me and wanting to play on he internet, I’d be very WTF?!

DramaAlpaca · 01/09/2019 02:05

Totally normal IME. I can guarantee that within a few years they'll be happy to join you in meals out as a family - as long as you are paying of course

Lweji · 01/09/2019 08:59

This makes me so sad reading about all these kids wasting away their childhoods in their bedroom not to mention concerned about their mental health.

First, it's hardly childhoods. Just a few years as teenagers.
Then, I don't think you realise how teenagers work these days. They're not isolated. They're still interacting with mates. Like teenagers decades ago would spend hours on the phone with friends.
DS is glued to his computer but he's often chatting with long term mates that he really likes and gets along with.
Sometimes he prepares and edits videos, other times he's watching youtube.
He just doesn't like to be around lots of people.

lljkk · 01/09/2019 15:16

To those of you who get your teens to participate, what activities do you do?

7 mile hike with the 15yo today. He spent a lot of time talking about events on his DoE (bronze), stuff his friends have done recently, cats he has seen lately, helping me read the map (newly enhanced skill from DoE).

Eldest lad used to go lane swimming a lot with me when he needed to get fit. Teens hate doing new things on own.

There's a very competitive running lad down the road who goes out training with his mum (she rides a bicycle). I suppose obstensibly, her role could be 'pacing'.

Both my lads used to go running with me (DoE physical activity, getting fit for Army). Just preferred to jog with company.

Teen DD likes to go shopping. She will even just go to supermarket food shopping.

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