Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I want children but my partner doesn’t

100 replies

Welshie94 · 30/08/2019 07:52

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to mumsnet and this is my first post. I’m really stuck on what to do and would appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I am 25 and my partner of 2 years is 40. I know some people may be bothered by the age gap but I really thing this guy is ‘the one’. He has two daughters from a previous marriage (aged 8 and 5) who have accepted me into their family and I love spending time with.
The only problem is, I am now starting to want children of my own. I would absolutely love children but my partner doesn’t want any more. He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more. I completely respect his decision, but it has left me feeling absolutely devastated. I thought at the beginning I would be ok with it but as time goes by it is getting harder and harder for me. Any advice on how I can try getting over this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2019 07:57

Your desire to have children is not something you will be able to "get over." You and your partner are not suited for each other, and you would be wise to end this relationship now before you waste any more of your youth on him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/08/2019 07:58

You need to figure out what's more important to you - your relationship with him or having children.

Having children is often a very primal need and it's hard to ignore. You don't want to spend your best years with him and then end up resenting him because you've missed out on children.

He hasn't lied to you or made you false promises so that's a good thing. You're still young enough right now to end the relationship and find someone who wants what you want.

GrimalkinsCrone · 30/08/2019 08:01

It’s not going to work out long-term, the resentments will build up over the years whether you are childless, or make him reverse the vasectomy and have children with him.
And 2 years is nothing, you’ve barely started.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Perunatop · 30/08/2019 08:03

Best to end it now while you are still young.

Chitarra · 30/08/2019 08:07

This would be a deal breaker for me, sorry OP Sad

AnotherEmma · 30/08/2019 08:08

He is not "the one". The right man for you wants children with you. And probably isn't 15 years older.

Never give up motherhood for a man, no man is worth it.

PotteringAlong · 30/08/2019 08:10

Leave him.

It will not end well. You can’t resolve these two issues together. So finish it now rather than in 10 years.

KitKat1985 · 30/08/2019 08:11

You fundamentally want different things from your life together. Best to amicably end it and move on and find a partner who wants the same things you do.

Kinsters · 30/08/2019 08:12

Yeah I agree, he's had a vasectomy, sounds like he wouldn't get a reversal (and even if so they don't always work). If children of your own are something you want then cut your losses now while the relationship is still in early days and you are still very young.

My opinion is that he's not the one if you disagree on something so important - and given his age it's not like you've got lots of time to wait for him to change his mind. I know guys fertility doesn't drop off the same way as women's does but most men wouldn't want to be dads to a newborn at pushing 50, especially if they've already got kids.

NoSauce · 30/08/2019 08:13

I don’t think anyone can tell you how to get over this. I don’t think you would personally. I would imagine in 20 years time you would probably be depressed and resentful that he had his children but you had none, that you’d missed out on being a mother.

I would be weighing up whether he was actually worth denying yourself of children personally.

Starlight456 · 30/08/2019 08:13

It would of been a deal breaker for me.

Cwtches123 · 30/08/2019 08:16

Open your eyes and take a long hard look at this relationship! If you want children he is not the man for you!!! He is already a father and will always put his children before you.
That might be hard to hear but it is true.

BillywilliamV · 30/08/2019 08:17

It’s been a deal breaker in the past for me, but I nearly had a nervous breakdown before I’d admit it!
Go and find someone else while you are still young.

misspiggy19 · 30/08/2019 08:17

He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more.

^Why then pursue a 2 year relationship with him? He has been very clear and honest from day 1.

Shermanator · 30/08/2019 08:18

This will be difficult. I can completely understand someone not wanting more children with a different partner as this makes things very complicated.

Did you talk about this when you got together?

Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether being with him or having children is more important to you. You’re very young and have plenty of time to meet someone to start a family with if you want to so at the moment the world is at your feet. But it won’t be forever.

Good luck

Shelby30 · 30/08/2019 08:19

Your desire for children will only get stronger. 2yrs isn't that long just end it now and find someone that wants a family.

ourkidmolly · 30/08/2019 08:20

Leave him.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 08:22

Did you talk about this when you got together?

The original post wasn't War and Peace, Shermanator - did you really miss the bit where she says He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more? I'd say that's pretty clear they talked about it when they got together. He's changed no goalposts, the OP decided to stick with it. No foul on his part.

FredaFrogspawn · 30/08/2019 08:23

I also don’t think that you will ‘get over it’ because it’s such an all-consuming thing. If you decide to stay with him, you might do well to have some counselling of some sort. This will be hard to live with over the years.

Perch · 30/08/2019 08:26

You are very young and at completely different stages in life. At 40 I didn’t want kids either, because I moved on and were on the next phase. Leave him, go live your twenties live, have lots of fun, do everything you always wanted to do.
And the age gap creeps me out, sorry! I know it shouldn’t but it does! If you are the perfect arm candy, of course he would be ‘the one’ to keep you there!!
What does your parents and friends think?

IggyAce · 30/08/2019 08:28

This is a deal breaker, your desire for children will get stronger and the resentment will build. I would end it now and find someone who does want children.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2019 08:30

I don’t believe in “the one”. If there were only one man for you, with umpteen billion men on the planet, what’s the chance that you’d ever meet “the one”. There are lots of possible “ones”. He’s been right for you for the last two years but he’s not right for you for the rest of your life.

AlexaShutUp · 30/08/2019 08:31

Walk away and start again while you're still young enough to do so. It will be hard, but not as hard as living with regret and resentment for the rest of your life. If you have an urge to be a parent, that won't go away in my view.

Tigger001 · 30/08/2019 08:33

Firstly the age gap absolutely doesn't mean he isn't the one.

But if you want different things, I really cant see it working. You will only resent him in the end.

He has done the right thing in telling you from the start how he feels. It does not mean he doesn't love you, just that you want different things.

I personally wouldn't settle.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2019 08:37

Also want to say, I think it’s incredibly selfish of a 40 year old man to start a relationship with a woman in her early 20s and prevent her from having children, which is, in effect, what he is doing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread