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Original poster

I want children but my partner doesn’t

100 replies

Welshie94 · 30/08/2019 07:52

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to mumsnet and this is my first post. I’m really stuck on what to do and would appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I am 25 and my partner of 2 years is 40. I know some people may be bothered by the age gap but I really thing this guy is ‘the one’. He has two daughters from a previous marriage (aged 8 and 5) who have accepted me into their family and I love spending time with.
The only problem is, I am now starting to want children of my own. I would absolutely love children but my partner doesn’t want any more. He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more. I completely respect his decision, but it has left me feeling absolutely devastated. I thought at the beginning I would be ok with it but as time goes by it is getting harder and harder for me. Any advice on how I can try getting over this?

OP posts:
Needtoworkhelp · 30/08/2019 08:37

My DH is older but we had kids.
As you are so young and he is older. If you both live to old age and he was to pass before you you would not have any of your own children to spend your years with. Whereas he has 2.

Not everyone on here will agree with this sentiment. It it's true

Best to end it now and find someone who wants the same things as you.

Original poster
Welshie94 · 30/08/2019 08:37

I appreciate all the advice here guys. Given me a lot to think about. Tysm x

OP posts:
1300cakes · 30/08/2019 08:38

If you end it now, you can part amicably with good memories. If you wait, you may become resentful and end up parting aged 35 and hating his guts.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
zafferana · 30/08/2019 08:38

There is no such as 'the one'. There are 7.7 billion people in the world, half of whom are male, do you really think there is only one person in all those men who will make you happy? Clearly, that's nonsense.

You're only 25 and you've only been together two years. You want kids and he's already got them. Please don't waste your life trying to 'get over' your own desire to have kids in order to please this guy, however nice he is. End the relationship now while you're still young and go and meet someone who does want to have kids with you. I'm 20 years older than you and I promise you that you won't regret it in the long run, however hard you might find it to walk away.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 08:40

I think it’s incredibly selfish of a 40 year old man to start a relationship with a woman in her early 20s and prevent her from having children, which is, in effect, what he is doing.

Bollocks Hedda. She's a grown woman. He told her from the outset. Her decision to continue having a relationship with him. How the fuck is he preventing her from having children? Just bizarre.

noodlenosefraggle · 30/08/2019 08:40

There is not such person as 'the one'. There will be other people you will meet that you will connect with in the same way, but you won't meet them while you are with someone who quite reasonably doesn't want any more children. You will not get over it. Unfortunately, you will have to get over him.

seven201 · 30/08/2019 08:42

If I were you I'd leave. Yes you'll have a broken heart for a while but you'll also probably be able to be a mother eventually. I love my husband but my dd is far more precious to me and I can't imagine life without her.

ControversialFerret · 30/08/2019 08:43

Leave.

If you want children then do not waste your fertile years with a man who doesn't want them. He's told you where he stands - he's not the one for you.

Catapultaway · 30/08/2019 08:44

HeddaGarbled... Are you suggesting that people who don't want kids shouldn't have relationships in case in the future the partner they are with decide they do. utter nonsense. The fact he is 40 or 20 doesn't matter. He has been honest from the outset, not selfish at all.

NoCauseRebel · 30/08/2019 08:47

Also want to say, I think it’s incredibly selfish of a 40 year old man to start a relationship with a woman in her early 20s and prevent her from having children, which is, in effect, what he is doing. bullshit. The man was up front about the fact he’d had a vasectomy and didn’t want any more children. The OP isn’t a child, if anything she is the one who should never have entered into a relationship with a man who didn’t want children while she herself admits that she “thought she was fine with that,”

ShirleyPhallus · 30/08/2019 08:48

Break up with him

It’s so hard, and at the moment you love him enough to put your own wishes on hold but forever is a long time to not have what you want based on what someone else wants

You’ll find someone who has the same views and ideals as you. You’re very young still

Spludge · 30/08/2019 08:50

Hello

I had a friend in exactly the same position. Unfortunately the only choice was for her to respect his decision and leave. She now has 2 kids with a partner who wanted the same things.

Convincing him to have children to keep you happy is a total road to disaster. Kids are extremely hard work and unless you both wont them you will be left ' holding the baby' and resentments would be horrific and eventually split you up anyway.

Sad but that's the reality. Be a step parent and spending time with his kids every other wknd is nothing like having your own full time with the pressures of everyday life and trying to keep a relationship healthy.

My advice would be either leave and find someone who wants what you do or if you live him and respect his honesty which he told you from the beginning then ditch the kids idea and enjoy what you have. Kids are over rated in my view hard work exhausting and test even the strongest relationships.

Hard I know but just being honest. Sorry if it doesnt help . Good luck in coming to the right decision

barryfromclareisfit · 30/08/2019 08:50

You want children.
He won’t give you children.
Leave him.
Today will be the right day for that. Why waste any more time?

BoudicasBoudoir · 30/08/2019 08:54

I agree. You have to leave him.

It’s quite early days in your relationship and it probably feels like the end of the world to think about, but if you are ready for children now, I would think that feeling will only get stronger. You won’t be able to ‘get over it’.

Ainsl · 30/08/2019 08:56

You are SO young! I think it will be sad but for the best of you break up so you can meet someone else and start your own family.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2019 08:58

I think he should have been looking to form a relationship with someone at a similar age and life stage to himself.

She was 23 when they got together, at the beginning of her adult life and career. Too young to commit to a childless life.

He was 38, divorced, two children. He can (and you seem to agree) absolve himself of responsibility by saying he was honest from the start. But he was asking her to make that choice too soon in her life.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 30/08/2019 08:59

I made it clear in the first few weeks of my relationship with now dh that having children was a deal breaker for me. If he had said he wasn't interested then he never would have had a chance to become 'the one'. expecting our second in the new year :)

mindutopia · 30/08/2019 09:00

At 25, I would move on and look for someone you could have a family with. I hadn’t even met my dh at 25. We had our first dc at 32. At 40, with two primary school aged kids, it’s totally reasonable that he doesn’t want more. I’m his age now with 2 dc and no way would I have a 3rd (even if dh and I split and I had a new partner who wanted children), so it’s fair enough. But you’re in different places in life.

He’s done the having a family thing and you aren’t there yet. You want different things and there’s no way to compromise that. If he was really the one, you would have the same vision for your future together.

whattodowith · 30/08/2019 09:10

He’s finished having kids to the extent he had a vasectomy. I’m not sure why you ever thought he’d miraculously change his mind and reverse that decision.

You should leave and find someone on the same page as you before it gets too late.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2019 09:14

She didn’t think he’d “miraculously change his mind”. She was 23. She didn’t know yet whether having children was important to her or not.

Voiletgold · 30/08/2019 09:18

Don't miss out on being a Mum. You are still so young and have plenty of time to find someone who wants a family too. It's the best feeling being a Mum and having a family. Walk away now don't waste anymore time

Soola · 30/08/2019 09:20

I feel sorry for both of you. He has been honest with you from the start about not wanting more children but sadly although you may have a great loving relationship you are both not on the same page.

It is sad but if you stay with him you may well become bitter and resentful, especially if it all catches up with you and you split when you are past child bearing age and then you have no partner and no children.

If you were my daughter I would say that you only have one life and to so he things you want to do before it’s too late and wanting to have children is a longing you are unlikely to overcome.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 09:22

Hedda And she might have decided, as many do, not to have children. Or, she might have been happy not to have children for another ten years, and then get hit by the broody gene and then they'd have to split up. Or, he might have died in those ten years. Or she might. The age thing is irrelevant. I know many couples with up to 20 years between them be blissfully happy (some of them, shock horror, where the woman was younger and decided that at 23 she had plenty of time yet to decide what she wanted and eventually decided to not have children).

It's still ALL ON HER. Not him. She thought she might be OK with it and has found out she's not. They will split. She will find someone else and so will he. That's life. It's sad. But they presumably spent two happy years together first.

ExpletiveDelighted · 30/08/2019 09:23

I agree with everyone else. I once had a friend who was in what seemed like the perfect relationship from about age 20, they bought a beautiful house together, great social life, everything looked rosy but it was not. At 30 she suddenly walked away, it turned out because she wanted children and he did not. She met, married and had children with someone else within a couple of years and was so much happier. But it was so hard for her to walk away from the first partner.

kaytee87 · 30/08/2019 09:25

You can't get over it. You need to leave him, sorry Thanks

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