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Original poster

I want children but my partner doesn’t

100 replies

Welshie94 · 30/08/2019 07:52

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to mumsnet and this is my first post. I’m really stuck on what to do and would appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I am 25 and my partner of 2 years is 40. I know some people may be bothered by the age gap but I really thing this guy is ‘the one’. He has two daughters from a previous marriage (aged 8 and 5) who have accepted me into their family and I love spending time with.
The only problem is, I am now starting to want children of my own. I would absolutely love children but my partner doesn’t want any more. He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more. I completely respect his decision, but it has left me feeling absolutely devastated. I thought at the beginning I would be ok with it but as time goes by it is getting harder and harder for me. Any advice on how I can try getting over this?

OP posts:

Inker · 30/08/2019 11:30

You'd be nuts to stay in this relationship. You can't replace being a mother not with all the money in the world. What if when you're 40 he leaves you. How will you feel? There are no guarantees. No contracts.

HermioneWeasley · 30/08/2019 11:32

There’s no one right person for you, and he’s not the right person for you because you want fundamentally different things.

End the relationship and give yourself the chance to find someone you’ll be happy with

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/08/2019 11:48

He can’t be “the one” or you wouldn’t be considering your wants over the relationship.

There are two young children involved, if you don’t want him for him then leave quickly before they get any more involved.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

manicmij · 30/08/2019 12:44

If you want kids and he has been open and honest about him not wanting any and having had a vasectomy he is not "the one". Sad for you but also for him as you knew the situation and now you feel you can't accept it after 2 years. I know I will be shot down but having children isn't the be all and end all. You say you are new to Mnet, check out all the postings of problems with children!

MaximusHeadroom · 30/08/2019 12:49

Hey OP, be very clear here, he is not someone who doesn't want children. He has his children, he is a father. He clearly has no fundamental objection to having children because he already has them.

He has had this part of his life fulfilled and will not allow you to have the same.

If he can't change his mind, I fear this will devastate you. I personally don't think this can work.

Mumtotwo82 · 30/08/2019 13:15

I'm sorry op but at 25 your desire will only get stronger. It's great he has been upfront so you know where he stands and the fact he has had the snip makes it more harder as he have to agree to a reversal to have any chance.
You are young but he has had his babies and is obviously satisfied, so I can understand how he feels. I feel completely done myself at 37 with 2 boys. But if it were me at 25, it would be a deal breaker I'm afraid.

Stapelberg · 30/08/2019 13:56

Your desire for a child will only grow stronger. I married a man 18 years set than me. He was a great guy, young at heart and a gem. But he also had a vasectomy and even though we had it reversed, it was insecceasful. My desire for a child became the one thing we could never talk about. 7 years later we divorced and it was horrible. Walk away now...

lalag · 30/08/2019 14:12

Total deal breaker.

FWIW I'm with a man 15 years older than me who had an 8 yr old when we met (I was also 25!) but he wanted more children and I wanted children of my own too so it's worked.

HotChocolateLover · 30/08/2019 15:55

All the good guys will be gone and you’ll end up with the losers if you spend too much time with this bloke. If having kids is what you want then go out there and find one of the good guys of your age who wants a child.

Nettie1964 · 30/08/2019 16:39

You won't get over it. He was honest but you are 25 he couldn't expect your opinions and life choices to remain static. You will regret it and resent it you don't have the option to have a child. It's your choice but if you choose him and being childless you can't turn round at 50 and be sad about missed opportunity.x

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 18:03

All the good guys will be gone and you’ll end up with the losers

And what do you mean by that @HotChocolateLover?

CilantroChili · 30/08/2019 18:29

👀🙄@ hotchocolatelover

That said, no, OP
It’s unlikely a good outcome for you. Cut your losses hard as it is

beingmum39 · 30/08/2019 18:45

I had a relationship with an older man for 12 years I always wanted children but he had 2 children already and I raised them like they were my own. I got to my mid thirties and realised I was giving so much up, so I left him . His kids never spoke to me again . I got with someone younger, and 4 years down the line I now have a beautiful child.. I couldn't imagine life without him. If you don't want the same things I would leave before you have any regrets, and follow your dreams. X

pumkinspicetime · 30/08/2019 18:56

This isn't the man for you OP.
You should break up however painful and find someone who you can have dc with.
My dd is watching friends for the first time, we have just got to the part where Monica breaks up with her great love because he is older and doesn't want a second family.
It isn't that unusual.

HotChocolateLover · 30/08/2019 22:38

@ShatnersWig Basically, if the OP wants to settle down with a decent guy with the same values at her age, she doesn’t want to leave it too late. Blokes who are single in their 30s and 40s are usually single for a reason. Divorced, douche bags (to be avoided) or bachelors by choice with no desire to settle down.

Jsmith99 · 30/08/2019 22:46

Neither of you is in the wrong here. You want to have children, which is perfectly normal and reasonable.

He knows all about having children, he had two already and he doesn’t want any more. He is so certain of this that he has voluntarily been sterilised. He has been completely open and honest with you about his feelings.

You are at different stages of your lives and you want different things. By definition, he cannot possibly be ‘the one’ if you have such basic and fundamental differences. Only you can decide whether or not this is a deal-breaker.

Good luck.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 23:29

Ok, thanks for explaining. I'm 45 and a single man, so I'll just not bother trying to date.

RuLu · 30/08/2019 23:33

You have step children which is great. I've done it. Your desire to have children won't ever go but they're not yours!
Don't ever miss out on that: it's the most amazing thing ever please don't accept that you won't have your ownN it's now or never xx

Nothingcomesforfree · 30/08/2019 23:41

Agree with Hot Chicolate ( although obviously plenty of those relationships fail, hence the “sad” blokes in their thirties and forties)
If you think you want children at 25 , wait and see how bad it gets in your early 30’s especially if you don’t have anyone. My childless by choice friends are all the ones who couldn’t see the point of having children at any stage.

I know two women from work in similar situations to you Op. The first one met her man in her 30’s and she was hopeful her older partner would father her children. She was with him 15 years. It was heartbreaking when she got to forty something and every six months she would come in thinking she might be pregnant. Doctor said early early menopause.And then he left her for someone else and it was too late.Bloody awful for her.

The second met hers in her late 30’s. Although she really wanted children, her new partner didn’t. And obviously it then becomes a choice of the relationship potential of this man versus the risk of starting over finding a new partner and getting pregnant at 40. And every year the door of opportunity closes a bit.

NotSayingAWord · 30/08/2019 23:50

You don't want to be stuck with a guy that want no kids from you for the rest of your life. You don't have the same priorities. Leave now. Don't you see he is putting his priorities and comfort first? He is got 2 so doesnt care what you want

putsomethingontheendofit · 31/08/2019 00:37

He was honest and didn't try to fob you off. It's probably time to be honest with him, though. Let him go and find a man who is looking for a wife and family.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 00:47

You need to end this. There is no such thing as 'the one', that's a load of Hollywood bollocks. You will not 'get over' desire to have children. It will just grow stronger. You sold yourself short wasting time with a man who's that old with all that baggage. Do yourself a favour, find someone who's looking for the same thing you are whilst you're still young. It doesn't get any easier.

Peterslee · 31/08/2019 07:48

I was in exactly the same situation as you. Same age gap (I was 23 at the time) my husband had 3 children and a vasectomy. He made it clear that that was it for him and I was fine with it. However after a few years We wanted children. We had to pay for a private reversal about £6000. But after that we now have a baby boy whose nearly 2. You as a couple need to be honest and clear with each other and move on now if you need to it will be move difficult after 10 years,

barryfromclareisfit · 01/09/2019 07:31

Had a colleague who found ‘the one’ but unfortunately, he was already married. So she stayed on the sidelines for over twenty years, seeing him when she could, not making a fuss, giving up on her hope of children of her own.

I mention this because one day a younger colleague brought her two cherubic toddlers into work. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but I saw the anguish on the face of our childless colleague, as she looked at what other people had but she had missed out on.

Don’t do that to yourself, OP.

HarrySnotter · 01/09/2019 07:54

Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things. Please don't think you will get over this, you really won't.

My closest friend met someone when she was 35 and she was desperate for a child, but he already had two children and didn't want anymore. She 'accepted' this because she loved him and hoped he'd change his mind. He didn't. He did, however, leave her when she was 46 and went on to have a baby with someone else. It was devastating for her.

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