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Original poster

I want children but my partner doesn’t

100 replies

Welshie94 · 30/08/2019 07:52

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to mumsnet and this is my first post. I’m really stuck on what to do and would appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I am 25 and my partner of 2 years is 40. I know some people may be bothered by the age gap but I really thing this guy is ‘the one’. He has two daughters from a previous marriage (aged 8 and 5) who have accepted me into their family and I love spending time with.
The only problem is, I am now starting to want children of my own. I would absolutely love children but my partner doesn’t want any more. He has had a vasectomy and has also made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want any more. I completely respect his decision, but it has left me feeling absolutely devastated. I thought at the beginning I would be ok with it but as time goes by it is getting harder and harder for me. Any advice on how I can try getting over this?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 30/08/2019 09:26

There is no man on the planet worth giving up a dream of having children for. It’s hard to believe until you are a mother - it’s only then that you realise how overwhelming that live for your children is

Leave now to give yourself the best possible chance of having your own children

Pinkblueberry · 30/08/2019 09:28

If you’re only 25 and getting broody now, imagine how broody you’ll be in ten years time. Some women just don’t want children but I think that becomes quite clear to them early on - I think it’s would be unusual for someone who does want children in their mid-twenties to change that feeing. You’ve only been together two years, so the relationship is still fairly fresh and exciting and he seems like ‘the one’ - but in 5 or 10 years time when that novelty has worn off and you still want children I think there will be a lot of resentment. And what if you break up in 20 years - you’ll be in your mid 40s and the chance to start a family will be very much slipping away and choosing to not have kids was all for nothing. Sorry to be so doom and gloom, but I don’t see a good future here.

Branleuse · 30/08/2019 09:31

its not going to work. Vasectomy reversals rarely work, and he doesnt want children and has been clear with you from the start. You do, which is normal and fine. You would totally regret it if you gave up your chance to have children for this man

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kaytee87 · 30/08/2019 09:33

There is no man on the planet worth giving up a dream of having children for. It’s hard to believe until you are a mother - it’s only then that you realise how overwhelming that live for your children is

This^ please don't risk not being a mother for a man who you might break up with anyway.

Slinkyreptile · 30/08/2019 09:43

the age gap has nothing to do with it, however I promise you if you don’t act on it now it will all end in tears. My ex who was only 5 years older declared he never wanted kids even though he didn’t have any. I tried to convince myself that was ok and we would live happily ever after. We broke up about a year later and a few months later I met my DH. We have a 16 month old DD and currently 34 weeks pregnant with DS. Now that I have kids I am so bloody grateful the way my life turned out.

I think you probably know deep down that your current set up is not for you. Look after number 1 Biscuit

Shermanator · 30/08/2019 09:44

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WhyBirdStop · 30/08/2019 09:52

I think this is where age gaps are relevant, when you are at different life stages and have different plans for the future. He's at an age where he feels he's done having children, and was upfront about that (he's done nothing wrong). You are now at an age where you want children, you've done nothing wrong either but your life stages are incompatible.
If you had the same age gap but the same wants it would be fine, but often people end up with someone of a similar generation because their wants/goals are more likely to line up at the same time.
If you want children you have to leave him, if you give that up you will only end up resenting him anyway, it would be different if you didn't want children.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 30/08/2019 09:54

Your stages of life (young and fertile for a limited window and older, raised family, taken up permanent contraception) are too different. He's been honest from the start and there are no guarentees that the vasectomy could be reversed even if he did have a miraculous change of heart.

If you're both young and liable to change your minds, it's much greyer.

Move on, there are other great men with potential to be great fathers out there. It's tough to do that when everything else is good, but it's too fundamental a difference for you both to live happily ever after with, and better to move on now than after wasting years.

springydaff · 30/08/2019 09:58

So painful for you - but you can't stay in this relationship.

The desire for children is so powerful you won't be able to find a way to live with not having them because he doesn't want them. It will destroy your relationship from the inside.

So sorry Welshie 💐

ballsdeep · 30/08/2019 09:59

Leave him. He's made his feelings perfectly clear and he isn't going to change his mind. He already has his children and doesn't want more. You want them and your longing is only going to get worse. This isn't going to end well, and it will be you who will be losing out.

dottiedodah · 30/08/2019 09:59

I think you are still very young ,and it will be entirely possible to cut and run now .Often women start off not feeling maternal .but into the course of the relationship will start to want children of their own!.There is a big age gap here too .I think your parents would not feel he is the right man for you.He may have been "honest" from day one ,but would probably realise that a young woman will usually want children of their own .Therefore he would have been better off with a woman near his own age .Obviously he is flattered by having a young and pretty GF but he has not got your true interests at heart Sweetie.Why not see if you can go travelling ?.Or maybe get another job in the next town?.You must not find yourself at a crossroads in 5 10 years time with limited options its just not worth it .Men can be very selfish (even unwittingly)!

TemporaryPermanent · 30/08/2019 10:12

Ive been there. Sorry - leave now. It only gets worse im afraid. I have my ds now and he was my heart's desire. There are many men who will be delighted to have a family with you.

ColaFreezePop · 30/08/2019 10:14

OP I know a lot of older parents - and I am one. Some have a much younger partner and some, both men and women, have the same age gap as you. All the older partners realised they were only compatible if both wanted the same major things including children.

To put it bluntly you are not compatible with your partner. You want children and he doesn't.

Therefore he isn't the one.

Split up and leave this man to someone who is at the same life stage as him.

You need to go and explore the world as you have no ties. The future father of your children could still be in school, at university, round the corner, at the train station or in another country but you won't meet him if you don't go and live your life.

Saddestsmile · 30/08/2019 10:22

It's such a difficult one when you love someone but you clearly want different things out of life. If my partner had said he didn't want any children and I didn't have any would it be something I later regretted? Probably. You get one go round and you should always put your happiness first (except when you have children). It took us 7 years and IVF to have our little boy and it's the best thing we've ever done. You might regret the things you did but you'll regret the things you didn't do more xxxx

rodentforce · 30/08/2019 10:22

The problem will not go away. You could discuss with him whether he'd be supportive if you were to have a child using donor sperm, which would at least get around the vasectomy issue ... it might turn out that he is flexible on raising children if the alternative is losing you. His kids are young enough for a new child to blend in.

But if he holds firm, I really think that the relationship is doomed, as others have said. The loss you are likely to feel as a result of not having your own children, along with the resentment of him for standing in your way, is going to be a huge problem in your relationship. You are so young! You have loads of time to start again with someone else, and once you have the child you want, you will not be looking back and wishing that you'd stayed with this man.

FlashAHHHHH · 30/08/2019 10:41

If you definitely want kids then that's n a feeling that's not going away nor can it be suppressed.

Unfortunately this relationship isn't going to work out, you want completely different things. I agree that having step children is nothing like having your own.

Best to end it now rather than prolonging the inevitable. Sorry OP

yellowallpaper · 30/08/2019 10:51

The desire to have children will get stronger as you get older, and reaching 40 without the children you long for will destroy any feeling left in the relationship. It's not worth the anger and bitterness you will experience.

You either genuinely have no interest in your own children or you end the relationship. The fact of the age gap is significant as he is at a stage in his life where he's done with the children thing and you are at a stage when you want children. Therefore you are not compatible as a couple.

ReTooth · 30/08/2019 10:58

.

5andunder · 30/08/2019 11:07

You won't get over it. It will make you resent him. Leave and find someone with the same ideas about the future as yourself

Eeyoreshouse · 30/08/2019 11:07

Speaking bluntly - fertility-wise the next ten years are vital for you - please do not waste them dithering about with this bloke! I say this because a dfriend of mind did just that, finally decided to leave her bf who didn't want DC (he wasn't older, he was just an eternal student type) when she was in her early thirties and then very sadly she found out she was infertile. Better to endure the pain of splitting now and still have the option of DC open to you, rather than 10 years hence when it may not be.

Some differences in outlook can be worked through, but the children issue is so fundamental that for most people it is a deal-breaker I'm afraid. Also, you might give some thought to your partner's DC, with whom you have a good relationship. Better to make it short and sharp for their sakes too I'm afraid. Good luck op Flowers

Egghead68 · 30/08/2019 11:14

This can’t work long-term. Enjoy it for now for a bit if you must but keep your eyes peeled for someone who’s more compatible.

Magicmama92 · 30/08/2019 11:17

I'm sorry but I think you need to find sokone who wants the same as you. You cant switch off wanting kids and I think if you didn't have any youd come to regret it and resent him. He feels like hes had his kids and hes done which is fair enough but he should be with someone who dosnt want kids either. Dont settle becouse you think hes the one go find someone who wants babies with you xx

Magicmama92 · 30/08/2019 11:18

*someone

JuniperOakPark · 30/08/2019 11:27

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I always knew I wanted children at some point, when I met Dh we had a very honest conversation about it within the first month of dating. He also said he definitely wanted children.

We did have 2 children together. I could not imagine not having them or being childless. In your shoes I would walk away. You are 25, if you want children and he has made it abundantly clear he doesn't, then you need to move on.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2019 11:27

He's been honest with you and has done nothing wrong.
But you now want DC.
You will become more and more resentful of him.
It's time to move on.
You are not compatible and want different things.
You have found out while you are still young enough to move forward and find what you want.
Time to put your wants and needs first.
End the relationship.
Enjoy your 20's and then look at finding what you want.