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Original poster

I am trying not to cry

124 replies

NeverGotMyPuppy · 22/08/2019 18:16

We are in holiday with MIL, DH's stepdad and their 3 teenagers. We are me, DH and DS (a year old).

His stepdad's treatment of the teenagers is so so different to how he treats DH. DH went off the rails as a teenager and it's so obvious why. It's just so upsetting to watch.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 22/08/2019 23:35

Thanks so much for so many supportive messages, I dont think will be able to respond to all of them but I will try

@Lovemenorca dont fucking dare to tell me that I wont protect my son. No one said they would punch him in the face and if I thought he would be in danger I would act. DS is my concern but DH's relationship with his own mo ther is not something I have a right to dictate. You see being unnecessarily confrontational.

@LovePoppy not sure what you are getting at? DS was asleep in his bedroom. I have no reason to believe he would come to any harm. Dont be so hysterical.

Fuck me MN can be so full of idiots - I forget that.

I dont know who asked me how I could mishear - I heard 'punch in the face' but I'm not sure whether it was referring to DS or DS punching someone in the face when he is older. Weird thing to say either way, obviously.

Only on MN could.it be suggested that DH's behaviour is down to a 'lack of common sense'.

Thank you to everyone who was so kind and so helpful. DH and I went out and had a really good chat. He has said some things that he has never said and I think we are either going to go basically NC or have a conversation first with MIL and stepdad and then see where we are. This is a MASSIVE step for DH so if it needed a holiday to do this then so be it.

And for the 'why do u go on holiday's ciu tlezs questions - DH is 31, the last time he went on holiday with them was 15 years ago. This is not a regular thing.

I get that MN is 'real' and 'not netmums' but for posters to suggest that I am leaving my child open to abuse because I left him with them whilst he was asleep is nothing short of hysterical ridiculousness.

OP posts:

WalkofShame · 22/08/2019 23:43

FWIW I think you’re spot on with allowing DH to manage the relationship with his own family and not interfere.

If my DH shouted at my family because he thought they were mistreating me, I’d be fucking livid.

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 22/08/2019 23:46

Thank you @walkofshame

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Children's health Families General health

SimplySteveRedux · 23/08/2019 01:35

He has said some things that he has never said and I think we are either going to go basically NC or have a conversation first with MIL and stepdad and then see where we are.

It's pointless having a conversation with them as they will refuse to admit anything or agree to change, it just provides to them a reason to continue the crusade. Going NC, and I will not lie to you that it's an easy path, will give your husband the peace he so richly deserves in time.

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 23/08/2019 06:23

I fear you are right but I am not sure whether DH would prefer to have that conversation first anyway.

OP posts:

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/08/2019 08:54

Sometimes, people need to prove to themselves that there really is no hope for a relationship. Having a conversation with them won't solve any problems, but it may just demonstrate how irretrievably broken the relationship is and how futile it is to strive to improve it.
NC may well be the answer, but one last try to get through to them could end up being the first step towards that. But obviously be aware that the potential for aggression when abusive people are challenged is high.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2019 12:51

As long as DH understands that a conversation will go nowhere and most likely result in denials and then accusations against him, fine. But he really needs to be prepared for that.

Otherwise it's best to just ride off into the sunset in silence.

Windydaysuponus · 23/08/2019 13:08

My dh plucked up the courage to speak to fil, practically begged him to see him and ds. Fil stood by toxic mil and walked away. Dh was broken for ages.
Then realised it was them missing out.
Still hard when reminded of something but says he is happier being nc...
Your dh will get through it far stronger ime.

LovePoppy · 24/08/2019 13:43

@NeverGotMyPuppy What am I getting at? I’m getting at the fact that your mil was a terrible parent to your husband. The fact that you think she is a safe and loving care giver to your child says a lot about you.

But cool, set your child up for the same shitty treatment you claim to hate for your husband.

It’s not your husbands behaviour that’s lacking common sense. It’s yours

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 24/08/2019 14:52

Nah. I'm not even going to bother defending myself to you.

If you feel you are in a position to type that, it says a lot more about you than it does about me.

OP posts:

AngeloMysterioso · 24/08/2019 15:20

OP I think you do need to steer the ship a bit here. You say it’s not your place to interfere in your DHs relationships and whilst that thinking is understandable- if he won’t stand up for himself, and you won’t advocate for him, who will? Someone has to draw the line here and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be him.

mbosnz · 24/08/2019 16:09

I apologise, I haven't read the full thread.

OP, I both empathise and sympathise, I have a crap FIL too.

Like you, I do not think it my place to dictate my DH's relationship with his father.

However, I have certain boundaries for myself and our daughters.

I will not tolerate him being snide and rude to our daughters, or putting them down. When he made a snide, and uncalled for comment, implying that DD2 was overweight, he crossed that boundary. At that point, I said to DH, he had every right to maintain a relationship with his father, but the DD's were not going to be forced or guilted into pretending to have one with him, by being required to do skype calls with him. It was up to them whether they joined in or not. They choose not.

I don't do anything other than remind DH if his birthday is coming up, or Fathers Day - up to him what he wants to do about it.

Because of FIL's ongoing refusal to respect our boundaries, DH is virtually no-contact with him now - he even got to the point of unfriending him on facebook because of the xenophobic, and islamophbobic crap he posted to him, despite having been firmly told not to.

But that's up to DH. However, I do feel you have the right to set boundaries for yourself and your children.

Lovemenorca · 24/08/2019 16:22

Totally agree with @LovePoppy

LovePoppy · 24/08/2019 18:06

Yes, it says I refuse to accept second best for my kids. Im100% ok with that

Fleetheart · 24/08/2019 18:18

@Lovemenorca and @lovepoppy; what strange bullying behaviour from you both on @NeverGotMyPuppy’s thread. Give her a break. Her child is in no imminent danger, she knows that she wants to steer her DH away; but she is also sensible enough to know that a big scene will not help him. Have some respect for someone going through a hard time and stop just bashing away. Not helpful.

LovePoppy · 24/08/2019 18:36

I’ve never once advocated for a “big scene”. Nor did I suggest that she take over and deal with the relationship.

I did suggest that she is implicit in this behaviour by not choosing to do something different for her own child.

Head patting isn’t helpful either, nor does it change anything.

LovePoppy · 24/08/2019 18:36

Are people really advocating that they would leave their child with people who treat their husband so horribly?

Lovemenorca · 24/08/2019 18:43

There is no bullying

But seriously - there is simply not a chance in hell I’d have my children around people like this. The OP seems to very highly value not stepping on her DH’s toes - but then at the same time recognising he can’t really see the wood for the trees on the issue. So it’s baffling

Drabarni · 24/08/2019 19:28

I agree with LovePoppy

I didn't leave mine with toxic ils neither, who would?
All it takes is for them to wake up and have to listen to their shit.
I'd rather have not gone out or not have a holiday than have had mine babysit.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/08/2019 20:43

Baby DS is a year old. He’s not going to be in any danger tonight.

However I agree with others that the time will probably come, when FiL has his biological grandchildren, that DS will be suddenly pushed to the bottom of the pile. That would be an awful thing for him to experience and reason enough to curtail his relationship with his grandparents in the first place.

gilliansgardenbench · 24/08/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshaBradyo · 24/08/2019 21:24

Your dh sounds like a nice person who has achieved a lot despite what sounds like very unfair treatment.

Hold on to that and make your own plans. A harsh lesson on an awful holiday but minimise contact from now on.

SimplySteveRedux · 24/08/2019 23:27

Her child is in no imminent danger

And this is exactly how abuse is allowed to transcend generations.

LovePoppy · 25/08/2019 01:35

@SimplySteveRedux Her child is in no imminent danger

And this is exactly how abuse is allowed to transcend generations.

Well exactly. But apparently I’m just a hysterical mumsnet idiot, so what do I know?

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